NEW! Ask an Asian Girl

Welcome to "Ask an Asian Girl." I know I have some very big shoes to fill after Nicole's "Ask a Black Girl," but we had a very long discussion about this, and I realized that with the amount of racial discrimination in this country (and online), someone ought to keep up the hard work of creating dialogue between racial lines to deconstruct the institutionalized disenfranchisement that affects the minority diaspora of America. Or something like that. Plus, Nicole's too busy keeping the company running. (Actually, Saban just wants me to do his work for him. He says I should stop obsessing over Andy Samberg.) [Ed note: Yeah, but now Saban has to do extra work by typing this note to say that he did not tell Asian Girl that about Samberg, whom he loves a lot.]

Dear black girl,
Why sistas don't want a cool nygga thenn complain about they loser boyfriend/baby daddy? And why 90 percent of black chicks in my city is hoes? if that ur pic ur ass is phat damn!
Dirtyjoe

Okay, first off, you should stop using the n-word. That's a very offensive term for African-Americans and judging from your writing skills, I'm guessing you're some white boy from New Jersey who thinks he's being funny by attempting to speak in ebonics. Well, I'm all for supporting ebonics as a valid language with its own linguistic system, but dude, don't. Even. TRY. And no one uses the word "phat" anymore. Poser.

Dear Asian Girl,
What is it like to be part of the supeior race?
Kevin

It's awesome! But as we all know, with great power comes great responsibility. And by great power, I mean the inherent ability to invent increasingly miniscule and highly efficient electronic technology, and by great responsibility, I mean teaching everyone else in the world how to use it. With lots and lots of ninjas. Everywhere.

Dear asian girl,
I am considering asking a Korean-American colleague of mine out for drinks, however I know she gets drunk just from sniffing a beer mat. Might she be offended? Should I consider some other evening activity? Or will it increase my chances of sleeping with her?
Asian Fetishist

Oooh, I hate that! I always turn so red after a single drink; I can't even finish a beer! And then I get tipsy after the second one and, by then, my blood alcohol level is way too high and I'm on my way to passing out on the bathroom floor.

Let me set one thing straight: Asian girls (and boys) don't like to go "out for drinks." That's what white people do. You know, when you go to a bar and order a drink and talk. And talk. And talk. And talk. Maybe order another Guinness, and then talk some more. Trust me, it's boring. We like to go out and have fun, which involves some sort of activity like karaoke, eating, clubbing, or starting fights at seedy places like Prive in K-town cause some girl dissed another girl's outfit and she's totally going to get her Oppa to come and beat her up. Unless this girl is a total banana (you know, yellow on the outside, white on the inside). Then she definitely won't get offended and will probably be really excited that some white boy asked her out. Go for it.

Wait, is this someone from World of Wonder? Cause for the last time, I am NOT Korean. That's it. This column is over.

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