The Pod Squad

Moye's the cute one in pigtails, btw. Randy and Fenton give James a Christmas present: Jonathan Adler's book about etiquette, on the subject of which James, somewhat surprisingly, is an aficionado. Randy reveals his secret to getting out of opening a present in front of someone if he feels disappointment lurks inside. Flaming gay Egyptian manicurists discovered in tomb! How Brokeback Mountain changed James' life. How King Kong did not affect Moye's – "Girls are never gonna go for a gorilla." Lord of the Rings. Andy Serkis. An oddly animal-free LA Zoo. The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power's light festival, a drive-thru Christmas display. Fenton deconstructs Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Movie mediocrity. Legacy work. Woody Allen. Salman Rushdie. Oscar winners as high school prom queens: Where are they now? Andy Samberg on SNL – very doable. Is Eminem's "Curtain Call" his curtain call for realz y'all? Retail discoveries. Paris, Lindsay, and other celebrities at The Grove, LA's answer to a village. Cameron Diaz has bad skin. Oh yeah? Well so does Jamie Pressly. Mark McGrath morphs from rock star to used-car salesman. The Pussycat Dolls. The Antin Clan. And Ricky Martin and Nate Berkus in love. With each other. The two of them, an item.

(Watch the video)
(Listen to the audio)

NEW! Ask an Asian Girl

Welcome to "Ask an Asian Girl." I know I have some very big shoes to fill after Nicole's "Ask a Black Girl," but we had a very long discussion about this, and I realized that with the amount of racial discrimination in this country (and online), someone ought to keep up the hard work of creating dialogue between racial lines to deconstruct the institutionalized disenfranchisement that affects the minority diaspora of America. Or something like that. Plus, Nicole's too busy keeping the company running. (Actually, Saban just wants me to do his work for him. He says I should stop obsessing over Andy Samberg.) [Ed note: Yeah, but now Saban has to do extra work by typing this note to say that he did not tell Asian Girl that about Samberg, whom he loves a lot.]

Dear black girl,
Why sistas don't want a cool nygga thenn complain about they loser boyfriend/baby daddy? And why 90 percent of black chicks in my city is hoes? if that ur pic ur ass is phat damn!
Dirtyjoe

Okay, first off, you should stop using the n-word. That's a very offensive term for African-Americans and judging from your writing skills, I'm guessing you're some white boy from New Jersey who thinks he's being funny by attempting to speak in ebonics. Well, I'm all for supporting ebonics as a valid language with its own linguistic system, but dude, don't. Even. TRY. And no one uses the word "phat" anymore. Poser.

Dear Asian Girl,
What is it like to be part of the supeior race?
Kevin

It's awesome! But as we all know, with great power comes great responsibility. And by great power, I mean the inherent ability to invent increasingly miniscule and highly efficient electronic technology, and by great responsibility, I mean teaching everyone else in the world how to use it. With lots and lots of ninjas. Everywhere.

Snap! Cap

H-AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-D!!!!! (kyly)

Shameless Plug

We deserve a nice meaty treat. Or, better yet, a bite on our vagina. Reality Blurred has posted its five top reality shows of 2005, and WOW's Showdog Moms & Dads came in at number 3, just above number-4 Being Bobby Brown.

Bravo’s Showdog Moms and Dads. In the middle of the season, a random woman’s dog attacked a random guy in a park. From the driver’s seat of her van, that woman explained in broken English that even she was scared by her vicious dog. She said, “He bite me in my vagina. When I’m walking and he sees other dog, he right away, he jump on my vagina, because he get so crazy!” With peripheral cast members like her, plus an extremely strong, fanatically obsessed group of dog owners, is it any wonder that people watched attentively? The show was easily the best of the Moms and Dads series, and one of the best series of the year.

(Related) (See also)

He So Horny

The thought of this even making sexual advances toward pre-teen girls makes our eyes water, never mind committing lewd acts on them. But that's what has-been rocker ("Rock and Roll Part 2") cum pedophile Gary Gliltter has done, allegedly, in Vietnam where he now lives. He's paid an underwhelming $2,000 each to the families of the two girls he's accused of raping in the hope they'll persuade authorities to drop the charges (which can bring the death penalty if he's convicted). At the very least, "If we pay the money for the two families, when this case goes to court, maybe Mr Gary will receive a lighter penalty," said the singer's local lawyer.

(Previously)

Celebrities at Large

Being a celebrity is apparently a 24/7 job, with no time off for holidays or even a quick T.O. to grab a shot and a beer. I'd find that really annoying (especially the last part), which is why I'm not a celeb. Fortunately, there are others who happily take on the chore. To wit: While my girlfriend and I were at LAX en route to Boston for some post-Xmas vacation, we stopped at the bar in Chili's for some pre-flight prep. Between drinks, we struck up a conversation with a young Marine on leave from Gulf War II who was waiting for a ride down to Camp Pendelton. He was a nice enough guy, and as we paid up and headed for the door, my girlfriend commented on how sad it was that the poor Marine had to spend the day after Christmas sitting around an airport bar talking to strangers. Then she noticed that he'd struck up a new conversation with the pretty blonde who'd taken our spot – none other than celebrity libertine (and man-in-uniform supporter) Tara Reid.

To be honest, Tara was looking good in a pink wool watch cap, white hoodie, and deep tan, and (most attractive of all) she was happily chatting away with our formerly forelorn friend. From what I saw, she's classy and down-to-earth, and I'm sure there are some other celebs who could stand to tear a page from Tara's style guide (not that I'm thinking of anyone in particular – besides Eva Longoria).

– Chris May

Alum-inati: Putting on the Ritz

In this jazzy, beatnik promotional film for Ritz Fine Jewellery in London, Party Monster star Chloe Sevigny plays She, a girl we all think we know, would like to, or are trying to forget. Fallen from a misfit cloud, She's imbued with wisdom peeled off a 3AM sidewalk, says the narration. She comes in from the cold and always leaves by the back door. With her pocketful of choice, the magnificent mess can do no wrong. And She dreams of him when you dream of her. You know the drill. (Watch the film)

Hair to Stay

Please, Marg Helgenberger, for the love of God, please choose a hairstyle and stick with it.

Sitings

• Madonna gets lypsynched in this toothy, can't-look-away clip sent to the Report, possibly by the syncher himself. Patrick, is that you?
• A wicked fierce Motorola commercial involving a bunny and a brief history of film. (t/y Eduardo)

Snap! Cap

Bill looked too mortified to explain to Gene that the moratorium on Matrix gags has yet to be lifted. (lonecomic)

The Family Circuit Queen

O Little Town of Hancock Park

Ray Cochran writes:

Sometimes I miss New York. I miss that in New York City you can get a turkey club with fries, a live eel, and a dwarf delivered to your door within an hour, and no one will ask you any questions beyond "wheat or rye?" That's very exciting. New York is also exciting during the holidays. I spent this Christmas in LA with the boyfriend and all his friends. I love my boyfriend but oh my God, LA is so boring at Christmas! For dinner, we ate turducken, which is a chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turkey and which was beyond vile and looked like one of those food chain dioramas at the Museum of Natural History.

After dinner, we piled into the car and headed for the House of David, which is a house in Hancock Park decorated with lots of Christmas lights. Everyone was very excited to see it. They kept telling me it was worth the drive, but talk about a let-down. It's called the House of David because several Michelangelo's David statuettes are placed liberally on the lawn. Classy. And each David sports a Santa hat, which everyone thought was just hilarious! I stood over to the side watching my friends with a mixture of boredom and contempt like one of those teenage girls stuck with their parents on a Sunday drive. It made me wonder if my years in New York had sort of ruined me for Christmas. After all, once you've seen an 80-year-old homeless woman dressed like a Santa-elfish thing pull down her pants, shove her ass against the subway wall, and take a shit, all other yuletide activities pale by comparison.

Of Interest

You saw this coming. Emperor Palpatine and Liu Fangyuan.

Let the Listing Begin

After learning yesterday of Sugar mag's top-10 most inspirational figures currently inspiring teen girls in the UK, it should come as no surprise that the NBC newzak show, Access Hollywood, would have an only slightly less lame list of 2005's top-10 US newsmakers. They are: 1) Michael Jackson, 2) Eva Longoria, 3) Britney Spears, 4) Tom Cruise, 5) Jessica Simpson, 6) Donald Trump, 7) Martha Stewart, 8) Jennifer Lopez, 9) Jennifer Aniston / Oprah Winfrey, and 10) Angelina Jolie. Jennifer Aniston tied with Oprah? And we don't remember J Lo being in the news much at all in 2005.

No Diamonds for Diamond Star

Former Mets pitcher Jeff Reardon, who also played for Montreal, Minnesota, Boston, Atlanta and Cincinnati and earned more than $11 million during his career, was arrested yesterday for holding up a jewelry store, purportedly at gunpoint, in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. He made off with $170 before being caught by cops in the parking lot only minutes later. The ballplayer blamed the low-and-outside heist – apparently without irony – on anti-depressants he started taking after one of his sons, 20-year-old Shane, died of a drug overdose last year.

It's Not Easy Seeing Green

How we'll be viewing the world from the World of Wonder for quite some time. (Previously and before that)

Of Interest

Festive, holiday-garbed Pope Benedict XVI and an Emperor Palpatine mask. (t/y Mike & Brent)

Saving Face

And speaking of bird flu and Asia, a report on China's People's Daily Online concerning an 11-year-old girl's upcoming face replacement surgery, is heavy on pigeon English. Seems the little girl, Liu Fangyuan, had vitriol liquor thrown into her face by her aunt who was angry at the girl's father over losing a lawsuit. Whatever – the girl needs a new face. Liu said that despite the risk, "she would rather die from the surgery than committed suicide one day in autism." It will be the first such operation at General Hospital of Nanjing Military Commands.

(Also)

Chicken Shit

Now it's possible to get the avian flu from fish. How is that possible? you ask. In Asia, fish grow fat and juicy in their fish farms because they're fed a diet of chicken feces. And if those dumping chickens are infected, well then, Bob's your sick uncle. But not to worry. Yet. A story in The Independent says, "Although no mention has been made of the possible links between manure-fed ponds and influenza in the recent alarm over bird flu, the issue has been raised before, and the UN's Food and Agriculture Organization...is well aware of the threat."

Let the Backpedaling Begin

Jeannette Walls at The Scoop says Jake Gyllenhaal is telling reporters he doesn't remember shooting the gay scenes in that cowboy movie he made. Which kind of gives fresh meaning to "blocking a scene." And he's not the only one with amnesia. "Heath says he can't recall filming those gay scenes for Brokeback Mountain," says Jake, "and in a way I can't remember either. I think we showed up and knew what we had to do." How did they know?

Love Me Do

Any girl "born female and between the ages of 18 and 45" who'd like to cosy up to an adjacent legend and untold millions would do well to check out Page Six today. John and Yoko's boy Sean is asking the gossip column to help him end his loneliness and find a girlfriend, claiming "I'm completely alone and I'm completely miserable." Of course you can't be born between the ages of 18 and 45, silly, but that's just awkward wording. But his list of requirements is actually a bit longer. For example, the 30-year-old's not interested in a lady if she has a clinical or psychological disorder, a third leg, or a fifth nipple. Oh, and she has to be beautiful, with an IQ over 130. No wonder he's lonely. But it makes you wonder how many third legs are out there that he'd have to mention it.

Snap! Cap

Emo Philips and Danny Devito on the set of Ang Lee's latest film about forbidden love between two sideshow carnies. (sparks)

There's Something About Mary

Randy Barbato writes:

I just can't get enough of Mary J Blige. Matt Drudge can't either – and lots of other gay things... but I digress. Recently, he linked to this story, with the headline: "The blacker you are, the worse it is for you." I wasn't surprised by Mary's candor but was confused, given she looks TOTALLY WHITE on her new CD cover. When it comes to Mary J, I'm happy for her to have her cake and eat it. It's hard being Mary!

As I read the article, I realized it was written by one of those journalists who are convinced that THEY are the story, rather than their subjects. Zoe Williams kicks off the piece describing how she interviewed Mary years ago. Having heard that Mary was "sulky and withdrawn" and knowing that they were the "same age," she thought she'd bring her a gift to "cheer her up." Soooo she brings Mary J Blige an English civil war biography of the Cavendish sisters. To cheer her up? Say what? I'm not sure what's more inappropriate, the choice of the gift or spending three paragraphs telling your readers about it as a setup to a profile about Mary J.

Andy Samberg + Moye = Crazy Delicious

Moye Ishimoto writes:

Everyone, I have a very important announcement to make. I have a new crush.

First, I must extend my apologies to my last crush, the lovable and adoringly normal Jim Halpert from NBC's The Office. I'm sorry to say that I knew it would never work out between us, so I have to end it now. See, we're just from two different worlds. I'm on my way to take over the whole world (now, mostly checking email) while Jim's in some dead-end job as a sales rep for Dunder-Mifflin. Plus, that stupid Pam Beesley always gets in the way, but who could NOT love Jim? He's just so cuuuuute. Did you see that episode when he bought a teapot for Pam for the Yankee Swap? And got his whole office into a round of Office Olympics? I LOVE IT. :) :) :)

Anyway, I'd like to introduce my new fling: Andy Samberg. Yes, yes, I know. He's been around as a new cast member on SNL and as Ardy of the Dudes from The Lonely Island. Shut up, you high-and-mighty 373T3 H@x0rZ internet nerds who will immediately respond to this post with the typical, "This is such old news, Andy Samberg has been around forever, etc etc." Shut up. No one cares what you think.

Cornering Cristo

New York City's Central Park had its multimillion-dollar Cristo installation, The Gates, not long ago. Now, covering World of Wonder's Hollywood Boulevard headquarters is a considerably cheaper knockoff we like to call The Gays. And it's a work in progress.

Recently Dead

Vincent Schiavelli, the mournfully eerie, instantly recognizable character actor who appeared in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Ghost, Amadeus, Batman Returns, and more than 140 other films and TV shows, died of lung cancer on Monday at his home in the Sicilian village of Polizzi Generosa. He was 57. Born in New York, the six-foot-five Schiavelli studied acting at NYU, and was in Vanity Fair's 1997 list of America's best character actors. He also wrote about food, publishing three cookbooks and contributing articles to numerous magazines.

Something to Chew On

A researcher at London's King's College has made some startling discoveries. In a study of "100 or so" volunteers, it turns out that people tend to find those with good teeth more likable than those with rotting teeth. Straight, white teeth good; rotten, crooked teeth not so much. And it seems women are judged more harshly than men when it comes to presenting a toothsome toothy appearance. Who knew? The good news, according to Professor Tim Newton, is that "if you are attractive and have a bit of decay you can probably get away with it." Other incisive conclusions from the report:

• People who are not classically beautiful may have other attributes that make up for it, such as outstanding wit.
• Tom Cruise once lost a front tooth, but had it replaced.
• People who are already above average in attractiveness stand a better chance of carrying off a less than perfect smile than people who are not so naturally attractive.
• After looking at pictures of so-called "perfect smiles," people are likely to be less satisfied with their own facial appearance.

Oprah Who?

According to the UK teenzine Sugar, Sienna Miller has been voted the most inspirational celebrity of 2005 by its young readers. Because of her saintlike suffering and eventual acceptance of her boyfriend Jude Law's very public dalliance with the nanny, the Casanova star landed at the top of the top-10 list of affecting personalities. The other role models on the list are just as unsettling. From 2 to 10: Gwen Stefani, Kerry Katona, Kylie Minogue, Hilary Duff, Charlotte Church, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Jessica Alba, and Christine Aguilera.

Ru-Pum-Pum-Paul

You might have to wait to hear RuPaul's new single, "People Are People," but right here, right now, you can hear its festive B-side, "I Just Can't Wait (till Christmas)."

Our Lady of Latex

A prank perpetrated by a London artist resulted in an for an "Extra Virgin" Mary published in a Catholic magazine. The advertising department of America apparently failed to notice that the copy read, "a stunning statue of the Virgin Mary standing atop a serpent wearing a delicate veil of latex." And it looks as if the Holy Mother even has a reservoir tip. The editorial department, though, was compelled to issue an apology. "When our ad person saw it in black and white, she didn't see anything," said the mag's associate editor, Rev James Martin. "When I got the magazine in color, I noticed the ad, I thought it was a little odd, but we regularly get ads for all sorts of strange religious art.... We're Jesuits. I don't think you could have found anyone in the editors' room who has seen a condom."

Holiday Traffic

Actor Brad Renfro was arrested yesterday evening in downtown LA's colorful "skid row" district as he tried to buy faux heroin from undercover cops posing as drug dealers. In the heinous, disreputable sting operation, the police made 14 arrests, calling out "Cancel Christmas!" as each suspect was cuffed. This is not the first time 23-year-old Renfro has been arrested, but that time back in 2000 he actually did something wrong. Renfro, you'll remember, starred in Bully, Apt Pupil, Sleepers, and The Client. Below, Brad Renfro as we prefer to picture him.

Snap! Cap

Angel Melendez discovered alive, well, and living in Parsippany NJ. (sparks)

Runner-up: The Ghost of Christmas Ass. (Pete)

Celebrimas

What are the stars blogging this time of year? Let's see. There aren't a lot of celebrity-helmed blogs and most of them aren't frequently updated – if at all. We visited a few that were the most recentest, virtually all of which were free of holiday sentiment.

Jeff Bridges:
the Dude wants Peace and Love!
[Bridges, btw, wins an early and permanent Wowie for the best personal blog there ever was.]

Jenna Elfman:
Hello! Well, good news: CBS has just announced that my new TV show "Courting Alex" (I play Alex) will premiere on the network Monday, January 23rd 2006 at 9:30pm!! I am very excited. I'll keep you updated as we go along, but wanted to share the good news right away! Until next letter...

Barbra Streisand:
I will be taking a break from posting any new statements until after the New Year. Have a happy holiday!

Sprucing Up

We like to think the Shane Building, World of Wonder's headquarters on Hollywood Boulevard, gets cleaned and refurbished every 50 years whether it needs it or not. Like Halley's Comet, it's something that most of us won't see again during our lifetime. And how lucky we feel to be privy to having cute workers looming right outside our windows. (Hey, there's one now!)

The St. James Version: Naughty Edition

Dear Santa,

By now, I’m sure you’ve heard about “the incident” – most everyone has – and by now I’m sure my “good boy” standing has plummeted. But if you really know everything, Santa, you know that it wasn’t really my fault. You know that the cocaine just blew up my nose, and that I accidentally fell onto that straw with the bag of K attached to it. And it wasn’t even my fault that I was at the party. If you’ll recall, I had gone home and gone to bed. I WAS ASLEEP, SANTA. Check your surveillance cameras. And if my dear friend Eva hadn’t dragged me out of bed and BACK to the World of Wonder Christmas party, I never would have snuck across the street to the Spotlight, and done the drugs that led to the psychic premonition which prompted me to go to Beverly Hills the next morning and cause that scene at Ralph Lauren and accuse the managers of lying to me about the black velvet opera slippers. If I could take it all back I would, Santa. BELIEVE YOU ME. I’m pretty sure I blew my chance of ever getting those damn slippers. Which is why I’m appealing to YOU.

Let me start from the beginning. I know things are hectic this time of year, and you are hearing a lot of cases from a lot of bad little boys and girls, and the facts must all be blurring together at this point. Let me break it down for you.

The Basement Tapes

We're not really sure either, so don't blame us if you get creeped out by this holiday moment. It's a clip purloined from Christmas Feelings, a public access special perpetrated by one Eugene in Somerville, New Jersey. WOW found it in 1996 (though it's obviously way older) and used it in TV Pizza, its Channel 4 series in the UK, which is how it wound up in our basement in the US and now onto your computer. All right, go ahead and blame us. (Hey, watch it!)

High Style

The Home section in today's print version of the LA Times has a story on Sierra Towers, a high rise here in Los Angeles. Reported to be the home of Lindsay Lohan and Matthew Perry [Ed: and Kate Moss is said to have taken rooms there], the story is about fabulous high-rise living and how it's the new black. Many individuals were interviewed for the story. But more interesting to me was the couple, Franck & Martin, residents who are also the lead photo to the piece. Franck, a Belgian hairdresser, and his partner Martin are photographed sitting in white chaises on a terrace high above the fray with an amazing view of all Los Angeles.

OK, maybe this is a bit overwrought, but it made me think of two fictional couples, Anne Darrow & Kong and Jack Twist & Ennis Del Mar. Also huddled together on high, I wonder what they'd have to say about being photographed to sell their own particular "lifestyle."

– Ray Cochran

Harumph!

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to watch the Being Bobby Brown Christmas special, Christmas with the Browns, last night. I'm stuck at a Best Western in Parumph, Nevada, and they don't have Bravo. Oddly enough, they do have a complimentary bedside novel by author Brenda Novak entitled A Family of Her Own. Only in Parumph, people!

Anyway, my friend Clancy did get to watch Bobby and she had this to say: "If the dark crusaders closed down Dave Chappelle for pointing out the foibles of African Americans, what kind of contract is out on Bobby Brown?"

– Randy Barbato

(More)

His Big Fat Gay Wedding

Judging by these photos, you'd think people were arriving for Elton John's wake instead of his wedding reception. That's Sharon and Kelly Osbourne at top, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton clutching hands below, and Victoria Beckham looking forlorn. And what did Santa say when he saw Donatella Versace, Liz Hurley, and Sharon Stone? "Ho ho ho." After John, 58, and his boyfriend David Furnish, 43, were joined in a legal same-sex union at a tiny civil ceremony in Windsor yesterday, a very grand party followed at his nearby estate for 700 guests who appear to have wished they were somewhere else. (Photos: Reuters)

(More)

Sitings

• Letterman's Top 10 Signs You're a Gay Cowboy. (t/y Todd)
• Scandinavian reality show, Gay Army. "The most feminine men ever to put on a uniform." (t/y Eduardo)
• The Pretty Thingsss' holiday grating greeting. (t/y Chris)

Snap! Cap

And I still don't get the Style network! (MarcSpice)

How to Act

When Michelle Williams spoke to Newsweek about her role in Brokeback Mountain and her boyfriend Heath Ledger, she was asked how she prepared for the scene in which she discovers her husband is loving a man. She says she prayed and "tried to be soft and penetrable. I tried to be like water. I remember treading really lightly before that scene – not to hurt the air too much." So is that the Lee Strasberg or Rob Schneider method? Then there was this question:

There are now naked photos of Heath on the Internet that the paparazzi shot while he was filming a skinny-dipping scene for “Brokeback Mountain.”
Those bastards. I know how hurt he was by it – for a lot of reasons. You feel let down by the people who are supposed to be protecting you and who are creating a safe working environment. You're aghast that there are people out there who could profit on such a private moment. The thing that's a shame about it is that I remember him coming back from that day at work. He was feeling exuberant – and enlivened. Then, to have that taken away from him. All of a sudden it was this public moment. That's just such a shame. That's such a bummer.

She must have been referring to this sort of thing.

Of Interest

The Bachelor's Andrew Firestone and Bel Ami porn star Lukas Ridgeston.
(t/y Ryan)

This Justin

Fenton Bailey writes:

Camwhore. That's the buzz word. Kids willingly selling themselves via webcams to predatory pedophiles on the net. On Monday in the New York Times, in "Through His Webcam, a Boy Joins a Sordid Online World," a sure-to-be pulitzer prize shoe-in, Kurt Eichenwald laid bare what seems to be a subculture that has – until now – flourished beneath the media radar. The star of this show – and it is a show (the New York Times does TV too) – is Justin Berry.

In any other context, Justin's story would be a model example of a young apprentice grabbing his piece of the American dream. But we are told that Justin's entrepreneurial instincts were merely the results of evil pedo-puppeteers who came swarming like locusts within minutes of his posting his first webcam image. We are also told that Justin was quick to cash in: a shirt off for $50, a hand job for $500, and a personal visit for $1,000-plus.

The Basement Tapes

In 2003, WOW produced a special for VH1 called Heroes of Bad Taste, in which the various likes of Elton John, Celine Dion, Marilyn Manson, Christina Aguilera, Donald Trump, Cher, and so many others were taken to task for looking and/or acting tacky. And the whole thing was narrated by superstar tastemaker Simon Doonan. Apparently not reverential or fawning enough (or at all) to the stars, the show never aired. But it didn't go away. We keep it in the basement, where it's beginning to take on an iridescent patina and a layer of dust. Here's a sample clip with Lil' Kim.

Wonkawood

Fenton Bailey writes:


Finally saw this film. Have to admit I'd avoided it till now. But my nieces were in town and we'd already watched Wallace and Gromit, Chicken Little, Corpse Bride, and Peter Pan. So Wonka was next.

I found it to be a fascinating, tortured, and amazing film all about Hollywood. Hollywood is the chocolate factory. And Willy Wonka is Steven Spielberg / Tim Burton, etc. Once upon a time Wonka had the whole world hooked on the amazing creations, but then the ingrates stole his intellectual property and illegally slipped it to his competitors. Sound familiar? So Wonka fired everyone and filled his dream works with Oompa Loompahs, workaholic chocoholic pygmies with a big gay gene (they dress alike in silly outfits and burst into spontaneous musical numbers). Now if only they could do that in Hollywood. Maybe they do.

Heavenzapoppin

Last night, Barbara Walters was knock-knock-knocking on heaven's door in her two-hour TV special, Heaven: Where Is It? How Do We Get There? But guess what? Nobody answered! [But the public watched.] The show was totally random, except of course for the endless costume changes. If Barbara makes it past those pearly gates one thing's for sure – she's gonna be the best dressed! The most curious moment came when she asked the Dalai Lama if she could kiss him. Was she actually blushing? Was Barbara Walters hitting on the Dalai Lama? Hot!

– Randy Barbato

(Photo montage by Ted Kupper)

The Pyramid Club, ca 2000 BC