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Entirely New Word of the Week

meetnik (meet'-nik) n. A person who enjoys meetings and administrative events and attends as many as possible. I try to stay away from meetniks for whom getting together is an end in itself.

adminisphere (ad-min'-iss-feer) n. The levels of management where big, impractical, and counterproductive decisions are made. The president and CEO thought it'd be a good idea to replace all 700 of our servers with three mainframes as a way of speeding things up. I'm telling you the bigwigs and the meetniks don't get enough air in that adminisphere.

Courtesy unwords.com

Sitings

• Designed for top-level global brand marketing executives, the 2nd annual What Teens Want conference will deliver a wide range of innovative marketing and sales strategies that get results. In Beverly Hills!
• Jeb Bush is impartial.
• They're called the Beatle Barkers and they sing Beatles songs. They're dogs. Why aren't they called the Beagles? (Listen to "I Saw Her Standing There")

Snap!

We are so blessed here at the WOW Report. First we discover we have a Survivor connection sitting in the suite, er, room next to ours. Now we find that one of our producer-editors went to high school with Cheresse Pentella from The Bachelor's current season. We threatened him with demotion to blog gofer if he didn't cough up a senior yearbook pic. Here she is in 1991, lovely as ever, at Lafayette High, just outside St. Louis, Missouri.

Same Sex and the Simpsons

Speaking of surprise outings, we told you here a while ago that one of The Simpsons characters would come out in a story shocker. We thought it might be Smithers or Flanders, but we never suspected it would be a woman. According to Brit tabloid The Sun, it's Patty Bouvier, one of Marge's chain-smoking, MacGyver-worshiping twin sisters, the one who once dated Principal Skinner. Sick of the het dating scene in which she rarely scores, she allows herself to be seduced in a bar by a butch lesbian and, in a typical delicious Simpsons plot convolution, gets married to her seducer by Homer, who's been ordained as a minister. The episode is titled "Homer's Phobia."

Out and the City

Michael Musto in his peerless Village Voice column, "La Dolce Musto," opines from his knowledgeable perch on the outing of Cynthia Nixon by the press and press outings in general of late. (Last item)

Things have progressed so much that, far from the old-style furious outings of a more closeted era, the Nixon reports were done in an angst-free, even positive way, with pains taken to point out how successful and happy Nixon is. I'm thrilled she has an Emmy and a girlfriend. I'm just upset that this is one scoop that eluded my otherwise perfect gaydar. I thought she was just a fag hag!

Phone Call from a Felon

The eighth in our Thursday reading series of recorded phone calls between James St. James and superstar prisoner #97A-6595, Michael Alig. In this installment: Michael explains the solitary life and how he came late to believing 9/11.

TUESDAY AFTERNOON

James St. James: Let’s talk about your stay in Southport.

Michael Alig: What do you want to know about Southport?

James: You were in solitary confinement there — for how long?

Michael: I was in there for about two and a half years.

James: Wow. So for two and a half years, walk me through your typical day.

Michael: You know James it’s really difficult because you're not allowed to wear a watch or anything, and there’s no windows, so the only way you know when the day ends is by the meals. Breakfast comes at six AM, lunch comes at 11:30, then dinner at four. And so from four in the afternoon until six in the morning, you don’t have anything to eat, and so you never know what time it is.

James: And what do you do during that period?

Michael: Well, I tried to write a lot but, you know, they limit you to one pen a week and that would go dead after one day, with me, so I would have to trade my food for pens, and so it’s really like a never-ending hustle of trying to keep yourself in pens and paper and stamps.

James: So all this time you are just in a cell. How big is the cell?

Michael: Oh, it’s pretty big. It’s about 10 x 10.

James: That doesn’t sound big, Michael.

Michael: Well it’s almost twice as big as what I have now.

James: You didn’t have a television?

Michael: No.

James: Did you have a radio?

Michael: When you behave for a certain amount of time they give you one of those receiver things like Lily Tomlin had when she played Ernestine the Operator on Laugh In. You plug it into the wall and you have to hold it up to your ear. It’s not like a headset, it’s only one ear, and you have to hold it to your ear because it doesn’t attach on in any way, and it doesn’t reach from the wall to the bed, so if you want to listen to it you have to go stand next to the wall.

James: I remember you telling me about this. There were only three stations, right?

Michael: Yes, there was rap, sports or Spanish. (James finds this hilarious) And every once in a while they’d let us have, like, an ABC special or something.

James: So for the two years you were there you didn’t see TV at all? Not even BUFFY?

Michael: Oh no. In fact, you know – you’re going to think I’m crazy – but I didn’t believe that 9/11 really happened for a long time.

James: Wait, what?

Michael: I thought it was a joke. I thought they were joking with me.

James: Who came to you and told you the towers had fallen?

Michael: Another inmate, and he was speaking in half-Spanish. He was telling me something about a plane crashing into a building. . . I was waiting to go to the dentist that morning, and when you're waiting in the dentist's office there are cages in the waiting room – you’re in individual cages, and there are six cages. . . .

James: OMG – that sounds just like MY dentist's office!

Michael: Anyway, I was in one cage and the guy next to me was telling me that a plane hit a building on West Street. Now I didn’t really know what West Street was. The more he was telling me in his broken English, the more it was sounding like the World Trade Center, and I said you can’t mean the World Trade Center, and he said: "Jes, jes" — and I said, “That didn’t happen.”

James: No guard came to you and told you?

Michael: Well, then about half an hour later a guard came in the room and said, “That’s it! The building collapsed’ – I guess that was the first one – and I thought he was playing with us, because cops do that all the time in here, they play with your head all the time.

James: Sure.

Michael: I didn’t believe it at all. Then I went in and the dentist is looking at my teeth and whispering something to the officer behind me and the officer was whispering something to him and I’m all paranoid thinking they’re talking about yanking my teeth out or whatever, I don’t know what they’re talking about, you know – you get really paranoid when you’re in solitary confinement.

James: I can imagine.

Michael: You get really super paranoid, like if I didn’t hear from somebody in X amount of time I would write them CRAZY letters like "what have I done, why aren’t you responding?" – just crazy stuff. But anyway. so then I went back to my cell, and nobody’s talking about it and nobody says anything for lunch or dinner and it was almost a week before I really believed.

James: You don’t get newspapers in solitary?

Michael: No, in fact, the way I found out about it was from New York magazine.

James: So you were able to get magazines?

Michael: Somebody had gotten me a subscription and it was on the cover a week later. By then I’m thinking that there might be some truth to this. So it wasn’t like a total shock. But it was just the proof that I needed.

James: Tell me more about that time in solitary. It sounds so crazy. I want to hear more about how paranoid you get.

Michael: Yeah, you get really paranoid. I thought they were fucking with my mail. OK, well, first of all, I had this problem – this nerve problem – and it was making me, you know, impotent. I felt like they were putting something in my food, and I even discussed this with you. It makes sense: you’re in solitary confinement, a bunch of guys, and I was in a place where there are a lot of sex offenders and it makes sense that they would put something in the food to make you not get aroused, you know? And so I was thinking that, and I was paranoid to eat my food and so I was switching food with my neighbors and my neighbors were paranoid to eat my food and you just get that way. Then the doctors were telling me it’s all in my mind, and there’s nothing wrong with me. . .

James: . . .and you think they’re just fucking with you because they’re on the payroll.

Michael: Oh yeah.

James: What about the guards – were they mean?

Michael: Some of them were nice to me because I got so much mail. I don’t think they’d ever seen that much mail, you know? I was just getting piles and piles of mail, and the guards when they see you having contact and visits – when they see you having contact on the outside – they treat you differently. Either they respect you more or, in my paranoid mind, they were treating me better because they knew that if they did anything wrong, I would be able to get the message out to people.

James: Right.

Michael: And that’s kind of true. If they know that you have no relatives or friends or people visiting or writing you, they can treat you anyway they want, because they know that nobody’s ever going to find out about it. That’s really scary.

James: That IS scary. So you were there two years. . . .

Michael: Two and a half years. I am always meeting people now who are saying, "Oh I met you at Southport," but I don’t remember anybody there because I was just in a daze, you know? And it’s like, any time you leave your cell, even to take a shower, you are in shackles. You’re handcuffed and your feet are shackled.

James: So when you would take showers with people. . . .

Michael: You don’t take showers with people.

James: So no contact with anyone, ever. You were alone except for the guard and the porter.

Michael: Except for the porter, who was the junkie, coming to my cell every day and nodding out on my bars, drooling on my bars.

James: Were YOU still a junkie at this point?

Michael: No, but this was when I had my relapse.

James: You relapsed? Why?

Michael: WHY? GEE, I DON’T KNOW. "WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?" (James dissolves in laughter) “COULDN”T YOU FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO?”

James: How were you getting money for it?

Michael: This is the thing: I wasn’t . And I was racking up bills.

James: As is our way.

THE REST OF THE CONVERSATION IS UNPRINTABLE

British Intelligence

A Nation Apologises This schoolboy sure has had his ass spanked by legions of offended Americans! My mailbox was OVERFLOWING this morning with comment and info from outraged Yanks amazed that I (speaking in behalf of my country) did not know who the Olsens were.

So I officially apologise. The Olsens rock.

The best email by far was from a David C. Carlet, with the following link: Olsens, Explained. And I've been looking at some pictures too, including a frankly X-rated one found in an email from Popbitch... Which leaves me with just two questions: 1) Do they ever come to England? 2) When exactly are they legal?!

When Earth Attacks

It's a fact. We're all doomed. Los Angeles is going to be covered in lava spewed from the mouth of Mount St. Helens, followed by the earth opening up and swallowing us. The St. Helens volcano, a-rattle with a hundred tiny earthquakes is about to erupt, and the World of Wonder building has been rocked twice in as many days by cataclysmic tremors from the 6.0 big one that ripped the state from San Francisco to Los Angeles yesterday, and its 5.0 sister that tousled Bakersfield today. The WOW floors shook, computers malfunctioned, and not a few of us felt some level of nausea. And adding insult to inevitable injury, neither volcano eruptions nor earthquakes are given the dignity of being named, an honor bestowed on even the paltriest of tropical storms that die out before a single rowboat loses its mooring.

Yesterday's quake.
Mount St. Helens.
Today's quake.

Addressed to Kill

In the "Snap!" of Larry Tee and Lahoma's Hot Body Contest at the Limelight in NYC, WHICH ONE IS MICHAEL ALIG??? Please settle the debate. Is that a naked Michael Alig?? Come on. . . do tell!! Your devoted WOW reader,
Victoria Piro

[Ed. replies: Yes.]

James St. James needs an iPod! My dear how do we stand it? The wailiings of Mr. James St James must stop! I simply cannot bare to see him like this! WE MUST PIECE TOGETHER A PLAN TO GET HIM A PINK MINI IPOD! After all, he surely deserves it. Isn't there some kind of telethon we could do, or a benefit concert during which he could wear that FAB new black cashmere cape and flash his newly pearlized teeth? Ralph Lauren would certainly attend. I mean, why wouldn't he? This is such a worthy cause after all and it would look stunning in the sunday papers. "Mr. Ralph Lauren Aids Cherished Celebutante at Charity Rave" Oh James, just think of it. . .
sammygirly
Ontario, Canada

Mr J. St. James,
There's a site called gemm.com. You can get just about any album there and usually for more reasonable prices than on eBay. They had the soundtrack to the 1970 documentary "What Do You Say to a Naked Lady?" on LP. I was very impressed. Maybe you can
find the Blossom Dearie album you're looking for there. Good luck bringing down the other $36,700 or so.
Dustin Cosentino
Vienna, Austria.

Sitings

• Own Brad Pitt's white briefs. Hurry. Omigod, what if he had to come over to get them back! t/y James
• Trailer trash recipes. Mmm. t/y Eduardo
• Every four years, pictures like these surface from the Olympics. t/y Jessica

A Shot in the Dark

The Baja Beach Club in Barcelona, Spain, allows its VIP guests the opportunity to have a syringe-injected microchip implanted in their upper arms that gives them exclusive access to the club's VIP lounges and acts as a debit account for their cocktails and, we imagine, um, other services. The chip – a 1.3mm-by-1mm glass capsule the size of a large piece of rice – is the same kind of Radio Frequency Identification device that is commonly implanted into animals. Around the pool, VIPs find the almost imperceptible cystlike lump under the skin a godsend, allowing liberal access to their alcoholism when bikinis and Speedos provide no pockets for cash or credit cards. Science producer Simon Morton reports on nightlife's latest convenience first hand (or arm) for BBC News. (t/y JJ Smiley)

Four aspiring VIP members sat quietly sipping their beverages as the nurse Laia began preparing the surgical materials. Like a scene from a sci-fi movie, latex gloves and syringes were laid out on the table as the DJ played loud dance tunes that made my heart thump, or was it just fear?

5ive Questions

BRADY FINTA

1. If you had two tickets to paradise, where would you go and who would you take?
I would go where there are secluded beaches, thatched roofs, and a lot of umbrella drinks. And I would take Broni, of course. Other than that, I'd like to go to the Super Bowl and take the San Diego Chargers.

2. What scares you?
Disappointing people I love.

3. What can't you live without?
Football.

4. Other than people and pets, what would you save first if your house caught fire?
Photographs and my guns.

5. What's your favorite room in a house?
The Hugh Hefner Room.

Stryker Son Struck

We're not as up on our gay porn news as we ought to be, apparently. We turn to Fleshbot for that (although Fleshbot's more nudes than news). But yesterday's Basement Tape here got reader Richard Joly to remind us that about two weeks ago a certain 14-year-old Joseph Peyton was assaulted outside his high school probably because he was the son of Charles Peyton, better known in gay porn circles as Jeff Stryker. Adult FYI reported that young Peyton, who had recently transferred from a school in North Hollywood, was surrounded by nine kids, beaten, his nose broken, and his face stabbed at Ulysses S. Grant High School in Van Nuys, California. Stryker said the attack was racially motivated; students told reporters that there had been incidents involving Hispanic and Armenian classmates. "Our principal said that the beating was racially instigated," says a student of U.S. Grant High on hunkvideo.com. "I wonder now if they found out his father did gay porn. I had my truck tagged last year at this school with the word 'faggot' on it."

Book 'em, Dano

George Lindsey is just one of hundreds of beloved celebrities earning a second income by speaking at your affair. And, yes, for some it's their primary income, which is all the more reason you should look into booking them for your fundraiser. From Ron Palillo to Adrienne Barbeau, Robert Vaughn to Cher, The Love Boat's bartender to Bob Newhart's receptionist, from the fields of sports, art, science, music, and business, they're all available from corporateartists.com.

For years, George Lindsey's classic portrayal of Goober has filled our hearts with love and laughter. While he may be best know as the "simple" gas attendant on the "Andy Griffith Show," Lindsey's talents extend well beyond the city limits of Mayberry. In fact, Lindsey is an established veteran character actor of tremendous range.

British Intelligence

Japanese Women – Smart Japan's single women are being offered the ultimate sleeping partner - a comfort to cuddle up to, but one which does not snore or make demands, reports BBC News. The Boyfriend's Arm Pillow, shaped like a man's torso with one sturdy arm, has been on sale since December and has so far been snapped up by 1,000 singles. The pillow is only available in Japan, where it costs $80, and is available in blue, pink, or green. One woman, Junko Suzuki, said, "It makes me relaxed. I can hold the arm and feel something warm at my side." Suzuki, who is separated from her husband, says the pillow has other advantages. "It keeps holding me all the way through. I think this is great because this does not betray me."

We at World of Wonder see this working well for guys too – buy one for your girlfriend and you won’'t wake up in the middle of the night with a totally numb hand. Great also for one-night stands –– take your Arm Pillow along and no coyote-style chewing of limbs for you in the morning!

[Ed. note: Two words – Jeffrey Dahmer.]

Britain – quite a big place, just west of New York Remember when you were at school, and the whole class was talking about some subject or other, and for some reason you didn’t have a clue what they were going about? So you sat there for a while, thinking you would eventually pick it up, too embarrassed to admit that you were missing something. How could they all know about this huge thing, while you didn’t? Did you miss a class without realising it? Were you abducted by aliens for a short period? What on earth is going on?!

Well, this has been happening now, for some weeks, on an international scale. So, on behalf of Britain, all 65 friggin’ million of us, with no care for what the rest of the class will think, I’m putting up my hand and asking –
…
WHO THE FUCK ARE THE OLSENS?!!!

Please explain this (American?) phenomenon to us! When did it happen? What were we doing that we didn’t notice?

[Ed. note: You aren't meant to understand. Any more than we Yanks are meant to comprehend who all those football stars and news presenters who people the pages of The Sun are.]

The Basement Tapes

Back in 1995, World of Wonder made "wraparounds" for Showtime Nighttime's late-night four-hour block of soft-core movies. The premise was that, between the short films, the lonely nerd host would talk via TV to his various friends who lived in cyberspace. In this clip (watch it), sex star Lisa Boyle is joined by her cyber "cousin" Jeff Stryker, the supersized gay-porn superstar. Today, of course, Stryker is a country singer.

Slugging It Out in the UK

Going with the premise that salt kills garden slugs (sadly, one of the joys of this editor's childhood was pouring Morton's on opisthobranch mollusks), the Food Standards Agency in the UK has "hired" an animated spokesslug to head a £4 million campaign that suggests salt also kills humans and calls for restricting salt in foods. Sid the Slug is very cute, but the Salt Manufacturers Association has lodged a complaint against the Advertising Standards Authority, claiming that salt supports life and there's no evidence to show that it has ever been responsible for death. (News-Medical)

The SMA has attacked the government-backed FSA campaign, for ignoring the need for more conclusive research and failing to make a proper assessment of the risks it could pose to some population groups. It believes some groups, such as the elderly and pregnant women, may be at risk from following blanket advice to reduce their salt intake.

Whathaveyou

Reach out, touch floor. Marilyn Manson's drummer, Ginger Fish aka Kenny Wilson, broke his wrist, suffered a concussion, and was hospitalized after falling off the Köln Arena stage in Cologne, Germany. The band had been performing a cover of Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus" at the time. So, you musicians, stop thanking God for your Grammys and MTV Music Awards and such, because God and His son Jesus really don't think as highly of you as you think they do or they wouldn't have put, say, Gloria Estefan in that bus, the Big Bopper on that airplane, or sent Brian Jones and Jeff Buckley swimming, would they?

"Tell Me Something Good," indeed. The legendary Chaka Khan is in need of good news now that her 25-year-old son, Damien Holland, has been arrested for first-degree murder and held on $1 million bail. Los Angeles police were called last Friday after a gun that Holland and an 18-year-old guy were fighting over went off and struck the youth, who died later in the hospital.

Let's get this party started. France finally has an all-gay TV channel. It's called Pink. Was there already a Puce? It launches Oct. 25 on cable and satellite; monthly charge will be $11. The channel plans to contribute to the debate on homosexuality but will not be militant. The UK, of course, already has two gay channels: GayDate TV, a shopping channel, and GayTV, a late-night soft-core porn channel. But Pink is the first nationally broadcast gay channel of its kind and is aiming for at least 180,000 subscribers, half of whom will live in some Paris arrondissement or other. In the US, it seems every channel is either gay-friendly or gay-glutted, but next February the all-gay LOGO network will launch anyway.

Surviving Survivor

It just so happens that Bronwen, the adorable Aussie redhead in the casting department here at WOW is affianced to Brady, the superhot superhunk contestant on CBS's top-rated reality adventure series, Survivor, which airs Thursdays at 8PM. She's sworn to secrecy, actually under contract not to reveal what she knows, but we've cajoled her into telling us everything the law allows about her man and life with a survivor as his survival plays out on TV.

We had hamburgers at the house of a friend who kindly donated his living room to view the show; it is actually very fun watching with a big group. The comments are classic, the sadness amongst the men when poor old sheep farmer Dolly was voted out left us all with a heavy heart.

But I would like to start at the beginning of the show and share my feelings of frustration, sadness, anger, resentment, and pure dislike. The fat guys are ruining Brady’s chance at a million bucks. Which of course directly affects me. I need new shoes! I couldn’t believe the poor attempt to cross that balance beam. Watching Brady stand alone (he was the only one who made it across) while the other guys shared some extremely gay moments trying to pass each other was a disaster. Usually I would be cheering for the girls hands down but this men’s team makes the girls look like a bunch of superheroes. So the boys lost AGAIN and the girls won blankets and pillows. My guy froze without fire for another three days.

If you notice, in the photos of Brady on the island he is wearing a necklace. I had bought him a little tag that said “My Hero” that would make him feel good when he was alone and cold and missing home. Don't laugh. When he came home the engraving was completely rubbed off. He said the nights were so long he would rub it for comfort and, well, he rubbed it raw. My mom had also sent him Saint Peregrine for protection when he first joined the SWAT team. Saint Peregrine came from a wealthy family and was spoilt and selfish in his early life. After dedicating his life to God, he did not sit down for the next 30 years; he is known as a bit of a tough guy. Perfect for Brady. When Mom told him this story, Brady swore he would never take if off.

Now flash back to him going up that 20-foot pig-fat pole. He touched his metals on the way up and by the time he got back down, Saint Peregrine had disappeared. He tried to be positive and think that the Saint had some work to do on the island and Brady had the spirit stone in its place. But it was also about this time, Brady says, that he started to lose it. He knew his head was on the chopping block and he was working hard to fix it. The spirit stone was proving to be good for nothing. So they built a pole and attached the stone to the top and they all decided to pay it a little more attention. It worked. They won the next challenge. Thank God!

At this point watching the show I could relax. I grabbed another wine and watched Dolly get herself voted off. Sad. We love Dolly!

Why M. Night Shyamalan's Signs Didn't Scare Angelenos

Photo: Aric Laferriere

Withdrawal Symptom

Posting seen in New York.

Recently Dead

Harold Zinkin, the first Mr. California and the inventor of the Universal Gym Machine, died last week in his home in Fresno. The 82-year-old bodybuilder fell, hit his head, lapsed into a coma, and never regained consciousness. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger was among those who recalled Zinkin on Thursday. "Some of my fondest memories of our friendship are of the two of us doing balancing acts together on Muscle Beach," Schwarzenegger said in a written statement. (blogcritics.org)

As a teenager in Los Angeles, Zinkin became a regular at Muscle Beach in Santa Monica, and fell in with a group of athletes who were not only bodybuilders but also had an acrobatic bent. They would form human pyramids, and Zinkin, who was just 5 foot 7 inches tall and in incredible shape, was often the guy at the bottom.

Snap!

Brandi Arteaga was sifting through the pix on that Czech site devoted to the Olsen twins when she came across Mandy Moore as Amazon: "Is this an optical illusion?" It's probably the horizontal stripes.

Sitings: DIY Edition

• Choking? No friends? Administer the Heimlich maneuver on yourself.
• Remix a dance video to your own liking. Hot. (t/y Eduardo)

Snap! Again

This may look like Mary-Kate Olsen is being kidnapped, but she's just being escorted into New York University for her first day of classes. The pic's from a Czech site that shows the girls in various activities of paparazzi interest – watching tennis, leaving restaurants, and the like.

Whathaveyou

Does anyone other than the WOW Report think it's skeevy and unsavory that Lindsay Lohan would go to Scores with her father and that her old man talks to the press about the authenticity of his daughter's breasts? Do they? Anyone?

Speaking of breasts, CBS is considering billing Janet Jackson for the $550,000 fine the FCC recently laid on them because she took her tit out for some air at the Super Bowl last year. Justin Timberlake won't be sent a bill, however, says Page Six, because CBS, er, believed him when he said he had no idea the "malfunction" would happen. And that's the network that has CSI, remember. Have they learned nothing?

The reality of TV is slowly improving. Barbara Walters has started her gradual remission from our plasma screens by leaving 20/20, and now we learn that the hilarious Conan O'Brien is to replace the strenuously unfunny Jay Leno as host of The Tonight Show. Unfortunately, it won't be until 2009, but better later than never. (CNN)

Addressed to Kill 2

After haranguing you guys to pick my son and I for the next Showbiz Moms & Dads, after this weekend I knew you really went wrong. How your production crew would have thrilled at spending yet ANOTHER weekend in the closet safe room as we played games and did art projects to pass the 14 hours of high winds and tornado warnings of Jeanne. At least we evacuated to Nashville for a pageant. How could you have passed up such a riveting time. LOL. Can't wait to see the next group! Love the SNAPS and WOW Report. I have to try not to drink anything while reading or risk shooting cola out my nose.
Hóllie R. Bethany

i can't be 100% sure, but there is a very good chance that that's me in the white tank top standing near the stage in that pic you posted today. i remember being there, and standing near the front, and i did wear white tank tops a lot in those days. . . but i also did a hell of a lot of K back then too, so maybe i'm reverse hallucinating the whole thing.
Jonno
www.jonno.com

The St. James Version

JAMES ST. JAMES' TO-DO LIST FOR OCTOBER

$3,000 – Laser peel. Please God, I’m tired of looking like Edward James Olmos.

$1,000 – Something in a fur stole. No letters, please, I’ve made up my mind. This winter, it’s all about the glamour. As the ancient philosopher Cynthia Heimel once said: “When in doubt, act like Myrna Loy.”

$600 – BRITE SMILE. My teeth are orange. ORANGE? Like little slices of Velveeta, all in a row. I disgust myself.

$5,000 – Pink boucle Chanel jacket. This season, for the first time, Karl Lagerfeld has made eight outfits from the fall collection available in men’s sizes. IMAGINE MY GIDDINESS! Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamed of owning a pink Chanel suit. And now, for five thousand dollars, I can. SQUEEAL!

$4,000 – I need a vacation. Someplace warm, with palm trees and a beach. I’m so sick of LA.

$1,200 – Detective service to, um, locate something.

$1,200 – Bally’s personal trainer. Either that, or a breast reduction ($7,000). SOMETHING’S GOT TO GIVE, PEOPLE!

$1,300 – Black cashmere cape from Ralph Lauren. Well, I just need it, of course.

$19,000 – Simple diamond tiara with egret plume. For formal and semi-formal occasions. Really, how have I gotten this far without it?

$250 – That damn pink mini iPod nobody seems willing to buy me.

$180 – Get winter clothes out of hock from the drycleaners.

$75 – Blossom Dearie album off eBay. I’ve been searching for this album since that bitch Betty Ruple scratched my copy in 10th grade. THAT WAS 22 YEARS AGO. I’ve been looking for it ever since. And people wonder why I’m crazy.

OK, let’s see. Just add that up. Carry the two. Carry the four. No. Wait. Hmm. Do it again.
OK. All I need this month is $36,805, and if I can get an 11-month advance on my salary, and accidentally knock over a liquor store, then that just ought to do it.

Ishtar

Over the weekend, Randy Barbato caught up on his TV viewing, turning to TiVo to sort it out for him. He sent us this observation about CBS honcho Les Moonves' piece, Julie Chen, the grating host of TV's most addicting reality show:

okay, julie chen is not janet jackson, but im wondering who is asleep at the wheel over at CBS. chen, the host of big brother, wasnt flashing any nipple during prime time last week, but she was definitely sporting a camel toe. in fact, quite a pronounced camel toe. i freeze framed it a few times to confirm. tivo doesnt lie! im thinking everyone was too busy trying to figure out the dynamics between finalists drew and the cowboy – just who is the bottom in that relationship?

Photo courtesy goodplasticsurgery.com

Snap!

Larry Tee and Lahoma's Hot Body Contest at the Limelight in NYC, circa 1993. Find Richie Rich, Amanda Lapore, and Michael Alig. Oh, and Waldo.

Photo courtesy entensity.net

British Intelligence

Fenton Bailey has been in London, from whence he sent this email to the WOW Report. It arrived in Los Angeles shortly after he did.

Bottoms Are the New Vaginas My ten days in Britain were spent mired in manure. Ben Frow is the person responsible and very much television's man of the hour. When at Channel 4, he was responsible for the smash hit How Clean Is Your House, hosted by its pair of pooh-sniffing pervs. Before leaving 4 he set up the sequel Too Posh to Wash, about how the toffs are all dirty pigs. The trailer featured an extremely dirty pair of underwear that might redefine the term "dirty bomb." Now over at Channel Five, he is readying The Farm. Billboards all over London show a high-heeled shoe abandoned in a cow pat, with the non-sequitur "Fame counts for nothing." But obviously pooh does! He has also just had the hit show Cosmetic Surgery Live, which features the urban myth of anal bleaching not once but twice. When I asked him what he was thinking, he replied, "Bottoms are the new vaginas." Appropriately enough, the single from breakout UK phenom the Scissor Sisters (even tho they are American) is "Filthy / Gorgeous" – and the video is being directed by John Cameron Mitchell.

Addressed to Kill

Stephen, or Steven, Etienne, Esteban or however you spell it,
Just wanted to thank you for including my tasteful description of the much maligned pen on your website.  One of your astute readers emailed me with your site, and I was pleased to read some of the horrid stories you post there. Appreciate the exposure.  Now if someone would buy my fucking cat shirt, I would be almost complete.  If you enjoy reading, swagger yourself down to my kitty pad, and check out my purrrrrrrfectly adorable designer shirt for sale. Muchas grassyass,
Sparkygonewild

Magma Cum Loudly

Scientologists Seismologists are reporting hundreds of tiny earthquakes around the Mount St. Helens volcano in Washington state, reports Local6. Although the quakes, which are occurring under the crater's dome, are not dangerous, nor barely even noticeable, it's recommended that visitors to the volcano duck, cover, and hold, or look for a potential triangular void.

Out of Africa

She didn't even say she intended to go there, yet Madonna has been banned from Egypt. All of it, not just Cairo. Egypt's parliament has demanded she not be allowed to set foot anywhere on the country's soil. It's because, as her alter ego Esther, she took a tour of Israel's tourist spots, including the Wailing Wall, and loved every minute of it, announcing it was no more dangerous in the Holy Land than it is in New York. She probably wouldn't have liked Egypt anyway, seeing as how the country's leading paper recently came out denying the Holocaust, and she being all into the kabbala and everything. Still, it's kind of awesome to be banned from an entire country. I know a photographer who's banned from France. And I hear that if you're convicted of a felony, they won't allow you in Canada. Canada. Aren't people trying to leave Canada? (worldnetdaily)

Nipped

Just as we suspected, virtually nobody really cared that Janet Jackson's tit was exposed due to a so-called wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl. Only 17% of viewers (parents, actually) polled by the Kaiser Foundation were "very concerned" over Nipplegate, reports the Guardian, which means that the fucking FCC's ban on indecency that's been forcing genital-deprived families to seek out pirated Oscar screeners, nude beaches, afterhours S&M clubs, and whores and sailors down by the docks was totally unnecessary. Although more than 90 million people watched the offending halftime show, only 542,000 viewers complained about it, but that was proof enough for the FCC to issue a prohibition on TV obscenity, Goddamn it.

Federal Communications Commission officials pointed to the complaints as evidence of a nationwide outcry against the amount of nudity and bad language on TV. Soon after the show was broadcast Janet Jackson issued a video apologising for the show, but she and Howard Stern have both recently accused the Bush administration of manipulating public opinion to try and shift the spotlight away from the ongoing political turmoil in Iraq. The two have pointed to the links between the FCC and the Bush administration. The FCC chairman, Michael Powell, is the son of US secretary of state Colin Powell.

"I truly feel in my heart that the president wanted to take the focus off himself at that time," Jackson also told the gay magazine Genre in an interview planned for its October issue. "And I was the perfect vehicle to do so at that moment."

Ask a Black Girl

She'll Hook You Up

Dear Black Girl,
Where's all this coming from? Are you straight up black or an imposter? We love your column but want to be sure you're keepin it real.
– Racially Diverse Friends in Louisiana

dear racially diverse friends,
ah hell naw. fo sho i'm black. i keeps it real. i don't even like yall playing wit my emotions like that. i thought you knew. this is coming straight from the streets of l.a. so don't trip.

Dear Black Girl,
Don't get me wrong, I like to move and shake to the latest hip hop music as much as the next guy, but in all honesty, I don't understand what my favorite rappers are saying half the time. What entails getting "your eagle on"? And how exactly do you do "the Rockaway"? It took me months to fully grasp the word "krunk" and feel confident in using it in a sentence, but apparently you people have moved on. Please help. (The "you people" line is a Chappelle Show reference and is not to be taken offensively.)
– Lost in the Dark

dear krunk 101,
gettin yo eagle on means dropping yo ass down to the flo. spreadin yo legs open and flyin real low. pausin for a second and grindin real slow. if you do it right, rodeo you go! when you be doin the rockaway, you just pull up your pants and lean back. krunk is not just a word. it is a way of life. go to da club and throw some bows. break a bottle.

Tremors

Doug Copp's 10 Tips for Earthquake Safety that we posted yesterday caused the earth to open up and spew beg-to-differ email. In fact, we haven't had so much sudden mail all at once since readers found out James St. James and Michael Alig weren't speaking. Copp had emphasized the futility of ducking and covering during an earthquake and instead suggested finding a triangular void to curl up into. Bif Brigman seems to have started a round robin among fellow earthquake professionals in answer to Copp's tips.

Steve:  Drop, Cover and Hold is still the best advice for individual earthquake protection.  It is not just duck and cover, implying that you just need to lie down on the ground or floor with your hands over your head.What Drop, Cover, Hold means is get underneath some overhead protection and hold on until the earth shaking stops. Getting underneath overhead protection also will create the voids that the article discusses.  In the classroom setting, Drop, Cover and Hold means getting underneath desks or tables and hold on.  What is most important is that we must convince people to avoid standing in doorways, running out of buildings or just crouching down in the middle of open work cubicles.

Addressed to Kill

"You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights with song"
 
Yes, Debbie Boone has expressed my feelings exactly.  I live in Florida, I should be out boarding up my home.  I should be hoarding the white bread and Campbell's soup.  I should be stocking up on my tabloid magazines.  But NO, I must get my WOW fix before the power goes out again.  Who needs food and water????

Apryll Feeney-Silverman 

Is That All There Is?

It's official. Cynthia Nixon is queer, bless her. As promised, the NY Daily News this morning put the redhead on its cover with the giant headline, SAME SEX IN THE CITY. After all the fuss, the accompanying story is really just a gentle whisper, acknowledging that Nixon has been in a romantic relationship with a woman since January. She told the newspaper, "My private life is private. But at the same time, I have nothing to hide. So what I will say is that I am very happy." A friend of the couple said that Nixon's girlfriend is "just a private citizen who would like to remain private." And we say good luck with that.

British Intelligence

Another British Institution Deflowered

The Dorchester – it's well posh, innit.

The Dorchester Hotel is the epitome of Victorian Britain, and its hallowed restaurant the true home of the Great English Breakfast. Picture a vicar sipping tea, two elderly ladies in twinsets eating strawberries and cream, and a Winston Churchill-alike layering swaths of butter on toast from a silver toast rack and you get the idea. As it happens, none of these people could get a seat yesterday because the hotel had been block-booked for a conference, so the men in suits were at every table.

Every table, that is, but one.
…
Wearing – please don't be shocked here – JEANS!! – was a small group in the middle of the room who can only be described as breakfast terrorists. At the tops of their voices they discussed rude, even unmentionable subjects that drew more than a few embarrassed glances from the assembled gents. The final straw, the lowest of low points being when one of the party was overheard (even across the street) shouting, "Straight men getting fucked up the arse by their wives?!!" Cutlery clattered. Waiters gasped. The men cried into their Earl Greys.

And who was responsible for this outrage? Who dared desecrate such a hallowed, respectable dining room and so upset these nice accountancy men? We are NOT afraid to name the guilty! Hang your heads in shame World of Wonder’'s Fenton Bailey, Adam Perry, Janet Lee, and Jacques Peretti.

British Intelligence

The Taiwanese Are Rude, Vile Pigs* Apparently

Elton, we salute you!

There's no question that Her Royal Highness Lord Elton of John is a British, nay, international institution. It is almost with an air of pride that the British press are this morning reporting that Sir Elton John branded photographers in Taiwan "rude, vile pigs" today in a furious airport bust-up.

The star arrived in the country to play a concert, the last date in his tour of the Far East. But after touching down at Taipei's Chiang Kai-Shek airport by private jet in the early hours of this morning, he was besieged by photographers and TV crews. "Rude, vile pigs!" he shouted. "Do you know what that means? Rude, vile pigs. That's what all of you are."

One of the photographers shouted back: "Why don't you get out of Taiwan?" Sir Elton replied: "We'd love to get out of Taiwan if it's full of people like you. Pig! Pig!"

Two things strike us at World of Wonder’'s London office. Firstly, how will Elton now take to the stage and say, – as performers always do, "It’'s great to be back in Taiwan (or wherever) again, you are such a lovely audience," when all of them will now know that he thinks they are just a bunch of rude, vile pigs? But we also cannot help but wonder what on earth has caught the attention of the man standing behind Elton in the airport photo! When did you ever see someone look so shocked? Your suggestions welcome.

* These sentiments do NOT represent the views of World of Wonder or its staff or the British populous in general, who all firmly believe that the Taiwanese are actually rather cool on the whole.

Sitings

• Oh-oh, Satan's voting for Bush in November. And, as you know, his name is legion, which means he's probably registered to vote more than once.
• Chat online with a cyberbot. Oddly familiar.
• Mynx is so LA. A music clip courtesy of Fleshbot via Defamer.
• Abercrombie & Fitch's Powder Puff all-girl football team. Heaven.

Poison Pen

Since when did eBay become the poor man's blog? Is it the message board for vitriol and revenge? Or is it just the place any fat-fingered fuck can unload the stupid, hateful pen his flabby skank of a wife gave him for his birthday? Ah, but his pen comes with a lengthy, lengthy provenance. Lengthy.

I received this stupid pen on my birthday years ago from my ex-wife, and even before I divorced her flabby body, I hated the pen.  I have no idea why she bought me this piece of crap.  Sure, it writes fine and could "seem" kind of cool, but I hate it.  The color is ugly, it barely fits in my banana sized hands, and it comes with some weird carrying case.  King Kong could barely write with it. Every time I open up my drawer and see this waste of space, I am reminded that I used to be married to that skank who gave me a stupid pen for my birthday. 

Entirely New Word of the Week

passhole 1. n. An idiot who drives too slowly in the fast lane. 2. A person who has been driving slowly for miles but speeds up the minute one tries to get ahead of him. Because of this passhole, we're going to miss the 7:30 show.

Courtesy unwords.com

Nixon Loves Bush?

Gawker has been teasing its readers all day with the idea that Cynthia Nixon could in fact be a fierce lesbian. And now we have it on good authority* that she'll be fessing to that fact in tomorrow's NY Daily News.

*Email from a stranger.

When the Earth Moves

Doug Copp is the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most experienced rescue team. He claims to have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings and is a member of or has worked with rescue teams from 60 countries. He was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years and has worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985. So his 10 Tips for Earthquake Safety are da bomb, sweeping away what you thought you knew, and ultimately saving your life in the event of. He doesn't mince words.

1) Most everyone who simply "ducks and covers" WHEN BUILDINGS COLLAPSE are crushed to death. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are crushed.

6) Most everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the doorjamb falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!

Addressed to Kill

Can I Just Say that the WOW Report is the absolute best. It’s what the internet was invented for. I love you all. Especially James. Oh, and you too, Fenton.

Alix Sharkey

I've written to you guys before about my strange obsession with Michael Alig's outrageous (but somehow thrilling) stunts during the '90s, but I just had to jump on the I-have-to-have-my-Thursday-Phone-Call-from-a-Felon-Fix bandwagon. So here's my two grams (I figure James and Michael might like that instead of two cents). Please pass this on to both of them if possible.

First of all, girls, girls, girls, what's the matter here? You've left your most devoted fans starving for that special kind of jailhouse gossip and insight that only you two can provide. I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation. You have the best reality show ever going on via a simple phone call once a week. It's like a Spelling soap opera crossed with Survivor, except Michael doesn't get kicked off, he just keeps getting moved to another island once in a while. Last Saturday I had just finished cleaning my apartment, when I decided to chill out and surf the net for some light hearted entertainment. Then it hit me, I haven't read Phone Call yet this week! So bam, I rush to the WOW Report site, only to be thoroughly disenchanted, let down, disappointed, dismayed, and stunned. There's no report from the big house. No twisted, yet mesmerizing humorous anecdotes from the two foremost authorities on the socially bizarre. My day had been ruined.

His So-called Glam Life Pt. 2

Randy Barbato reports on another of his boring nights in Los Angeles. Take a deep breath and begin:

yes, my life in LA is very boring. last night, my friend brian and i went out to dinner in beverly hills. on the way into the restaurant i saw my friend songwriter sami mckinney standing outside talking on his cell phone "hey patti, its sami sweetie, calling to remind you its my birthday tomorrow and i saw the sweetest picture of you in the globe" yes, he was talking to patti labelle. other people's lives are so glamorous. we went inside together and he started telling us this story about jocelyn wildenstein meeting rupaul. apparently jocelyn had her hand on the back of ru's wig, and there was an anxious moment when ru thought the catwoman might inadvertently pull off her lace-front. since most wigged queens know not to touch each other's hair, jocelyn's hand placement came as a surprise to everyone. anyway, in the middle of this story, sami and the room went silent. i turned around to see who had entered and gosh darn if it wasnt latoya jackson, looking good and feeling gorgeous. sami pulled out his phone to call rupaul about the spotting, and hey, im usually a pretty laid back guy about these things but i pounced. i have worked with latoya before (i love writing that!), and ive always felt that she was the real star of that family. and now, i am here to tell you she is ready for her close up. she was wearing a huge cowboy hat, long straight hair, and form fitting chic sweats. the face, the body, the attitude were TENS across the board. also, i might add that everytime ive talked with latoya, ive always noticed that her skin always feels freshly moisturized. i love that freshness. it took the entire meal to calm down, at which point a birthday cake was brought to the table next to ours. after this pretty ordinary looking guy blew out the candles i looked at the name on the cake and it said SCOTT. as in scott baio. he was with a young blonde girl with an extreme hairdo. yes, LA is boring but sometimes there are happy days.

Phone Call from a Felon

The seventh in our Thursday reading series of recorded phone calls between James St. James and superstar prisoner #97A-6595, Michael Alig. In this installment: James and Michael have made nice. Michael explains the politics of double-bunking and the art of wrapping.

TUESDAY AFTERNOON

James St. James: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Suzanne Somers!

Michael Alig: What do you mean?

James: Holding up production of Three’s Company!

Michael: (Laughs) I want a raise! I want top billing on the West Coast! We all know this is about me!

James: Whatever. We’re fine, right? Let’s do this. You know, most of what I know about prison comes from Days of Our Lives, so it’s probably not that accurate. I want details. Tell me – what does your cell look like? Do you decorate?

Michael: You know how lazy I get, James. Sometimes my cell is really nice. I’ll get into these cleaning frenzies where I’ll really clean and clean and clean, and then I won’t clean for a month.

James: Is it just one person per cell? Or do you have a cellmate?

Michael: I’m not allowed to have a cellmate because I’m gay. I’m openly gay. If you’re not openly gay you can have a cellmate.

James: Is that a fact? That is so weird.

Michael: Well, it makes sense. Because if you’re openly gay, and you get raped, you can sue and say, “Well, you knew I was gay . . .”

James: So if you said you weren’t gay, then you could have your lover move in with you?

Michael: Right, right.

James: Is that what generally happens?

Michael: Yes.

James: So you shot yourself in the foot by saying you were gay.

Michael: Yeah. Exactly. And so many people, SO MANY PEOPLE, have asked me to bunk with them. OMG James, there is this boy on the mess hall line that is just my ideal Puerto Rican boyfriend. I mean, like, you know I don’t like skinny boys, and he’s, like, big and thick, but with that soft baby Puerto Rican skin, you know how they have that beautiful skin . . .

James: Are you going anywhere with this? Do you have a point?

Michael: He wanted to share a cell with me, but I couldn’t.

James: Why don’t you just say that being in prison has made you straight?

Michael: (Laughs) I don’t think they’d believe me. But it’s frustrating because so many people have asked me to double-bunk with them. I mean, it’s a blessing and a curse because once you get to be double-bunked with somebody, you know the cells are very small, and you’re in there almost 22 hours a day with somebody and it’s like, you don’t want to see them going to the bathroom and all those things. You become turned off by them once you move in with them. You know how that is. In order to keep the fantasy you almost have to not live with each other. But I mean, there are ways around that.

James: You’ve mentioned how exciting it is to sneak off with someone.

Michael: When you’re in a situation like this, where there’s really not a lot of human contact, it’s like you spend a day or even a week, sometimes, planning to have 30 seconds alone with somebody so that you can touch or kiss or just brush up against them – it makes it so much more exciting.

James: I can imagine that.

Michael: [My ex-boyfriend] Mike would spend the whole day figuring out ways where we could, like, pass the same corner. That’s so romantic, you know, I really enjoy that. It’s so much better than, you know . . .

James: . . . The person taking a dump and then turning to your bed and saying, "Service me, Mama."

Michael: Right.

James: So anyway, back to cell decoration.

Michael: Well some of the guys in here are really, really good at it. You would not even know it’s a cell. You walk in and it’s like a room. They buy lots and lots and lots of towels and sheets and blankets and then they wrap or cover everything in towels or blankets – they even put carpeting down.

James: Explain this wrapping thing.

Michael: Well, like, the lockers and the tables, they’re old, so when you move into a new cell you spend the day scrubbing it down and cleaning the walls and cleaning everything, and then wrapping everything, covering it with towels and blankets so that everything is soft.

James: So it’s just like the inside of Jeanie’s bottle!

Michael: That’s just what I was going to say. Or a fort. Everything is wrapped in blankets.

James: And the guards don’t mind? There are no cell regulations?

Michael: No, no. And then they take colored gels, you know, like at clubs, and cover all the lights with red or purple or pink or blue. Then they take their Walkman and they make these speakers-- people in here are electronic geniuses-- they take the headphones and they open them up somehow and they re-wire them. Then they make cones out of cardboard and attach them to the headphone speakers, and it makes them loud. They put them up in the corners of the ceiling, and then they have pink lights and the furry floor and the covered up cushion-y everything, and it’s like a little club, and it’s really cool, they’ll play like house music or disco or "the rap."

James: "The hip-hop."

Michael: (Doing an unlikely Bill Cosby impression) With the hippin and the hoppin and the bippin and the boppin . . . But it’s actually a really cozy little nook.

James: How big is your room?

Michael: About nine by e