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Sitings

• We've just come across this spooky Flash Mind Reader thing, although, like Satan, it's been around forever.
• Bush, acting real presidential, gives the finger. Which is cause for TV spots like this. (t/y Ben)
• Topical Halloween costumes. If kids had cocktail parties, these would be the talk. (t/y Todd)
• WOW has had its Good Clean Porn on Trio recently. Now Galumpia goes one better with non-porn porn.
• Don't buy this product. We don't believe in turning off the TV.
• The top-earning dead celebrities, via Forbes. A few surprises. (t/y Chris)
• Oh, the "Irony of It All." The Streets debate pints vs pot.

James Has a Hangover

No Fuss. No muss. Forget flowery euphemisms and muddy storytelling. Never again will you have to read pointless anecdotes about people you don't know, food you didn't eat and clothes you can't afford. James gets to the (bullet) point. Who & What. Big picture here, people.

Sunday, October 24th, David & Kim of PAPER magazine celebrate the release of their new book 20 YEARS OF STYLE at Starshoes on Hollywood Blvd

1. Pedro!
2: Penelope!
3. No
4. Mr
5. Mickey!
6. Got
7. drunk.
8. "Where's
9. MY
10. photo?!"

Monday, October 25th. Dinner party in the Fenix resteraunt of the Argyle hotel, hosted by Details and IMG, to celebrate the release of Patric McMullan's book IN TENTS

1. Cornelia!
2. Bret!
3. Bettina!
4. Later:
5. More
6. stars.
7. Lawnboy
8. from
9. "Desperate..."
10. FAAAAAAABULOUS!

Wednesday October 20th, cocktail reception at the Viceroy Hotel in Santa Monica for GenArt's New Faces in Fashion

1. Uber-swank
2. hotel.
3. Louis
4. Verdad!
5. brooches...
6. ponchos...
7. MET
8. FUTURE
9. HUSBAND!

– James St. James

RuAlity TV

The NY Daily News' Lloyd Grove had an item on RuPaul a week or so ago about his having a tough time promoting his album, RuPaul Red Hot, and his zinging of US mag and Ellen DeGeneres on his blog. It's true that Ru blogged. . . .

i'm so very thankful for all the people who've bought my album. we've done very well, in spite of having little support at radio, and virtually no national TV exposure. once a week, i get an email saying "why don't you do ELLEN or REGIS & KELLY?". well, i usually don't respond to those emails because the answer to that question involves many different layers, including how show business works and the history of openly gay, black men who dress in drag in popular culture. . . . US WEEKLY said they didn't have interest in reviewing my album, but would i consider joining there line-up for FASHION POLICE. no, thank you. that's like telling a black person that they're not welcome at the all-white party, unless they clear the table and wash the dishes.

. . . but his single, "Looking Good, Feeling Gorgeous," is #3 on Billboard's dance chart today and is being used as the theme song for NBC's The Biggest Loser reality game show. Which makes sense if you've seen the "Looking Good" video shot by fashion photog Mike Ruiz.

Snap!

Art on the sidewalk, completely flat, not 3D, just looks it. Amazing. And then there's this other guy.

Let's Do Launch

Now that LA Fashion Week has come to a close and the parties are over, it's time to mention the week's launch event Monday night at the Fenix restaurant in the Argyle hotel on Sunset. The party began with a sit-down dinner for, oh, let's say 40, and ended with a mob that included only a few fashion types but many interesting celebrities like Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin (kind of the old-school Jennifer and Brad), Nikki Haskell (who actually had free samples of her fat-busting Star Caps), Paris and Nicky Hilton's parents (who should have known better than to show up without the kids), hot Desperate Housewives gardener Jesse Metcalf, and Warhol superstar Holly Woodlawn (who was actually at the dinner) – not to mention a number of WOW staffers. It was one of those events that featured a red carpet outside with a phalanx of photographers and a backdrop with the names of the host sponsors (Mercedes Benz, Details, McMullan's backstage-at-the-fashion-shows book, In Tents) in a repeat pattern, like you see stars standing in front of on ET or Access.

At dinner, we sat between artist Kenny Scharf and event planner/club hottie Bryan Rabin. Across from me, sitting next to each other, were Bob Colacello, whose Ronnie and Nancy book has just been published; socialite Cornelia Guest and Dolce & Gabbana's Angela Janklow Harrington, feeling good and looking gorgeous; and novelist Bret Easton Ellis, who grew up in Sherman Oaks, became famous in New York, and has moved back to Sherman Oaks – and on and off during dinner, we thought we were back at Area. Details founder Annie Flanders was there (though it's a radically different mag now), as was 7th on Sixth's director Fern Mallis, actresses Sela Ward and Fairuza Balk, last year's Next Top Model Yoanna House, lacomfidential's Laurie Pike with LAist contributor Adam Jacobson, and did we mention the gardener from Desperate Housewives? Dancing ensued and smoking commenced out on the terrace by the pool and cement palm trees.

All the while, Patrick McMullan – whose photos appear here – was a charming, genial host as always, bringing people together in a way we imagine Pearl Mesta (who?) must have done back in the day.

Photos by Patrick McMullan. Clockwise from upper right: Cornelia Guest, Jeff Klein, Angela Janklow, Bret Easton Ellis; Kenny Scharf; Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna; Constance and Holly Woodlawn; Annie Flanders, Fern Mallis, Stephen Saban.

Ask a Black Girl

She'll Hook You Up

Dear Black Girl,
What's up with those Boost Mobile "where you at" commercials? Do black people really use them or is it just a marketing gimmick targeting white boys who want to be black?
– Curious

dear curious,
it don't matter what we advertise cause white boys gone try to be like us no matter what. i done already told yall that we are the most desired people cross da boards. but for real doe, we do be usin them boost phones. my peeps that use them boost phones don't got no credit or they don't want to be traced with a bill. feel me? so they go buy time on the phones. these are called burn-outs. when the time is up they can either go buy more time or ditch the phone. also we like to use the walkie, aka chirp, cause it's free. if you ain't got no time on the phone your chirp still works. so it's all good.

Dear Black Girl,
Where do you stand on the Reparations movement for African Americans, where millions can receive monetary compensation for the moral wrongdoings and institutionalized disenfranchisement inflicted against their ancestors by the government from slavery?
– A Concerned Citizen

dear concerned,
yall know i ain't holdin my breath for no forty acres and no mules, citizen! The guvmint won't be givin us shit any time soon. ain't even no need of talkin bout that. right now, our reparations is my boy kobe's case gettin dropped. o.j. being free to walk around and parlay. catwoman winnin a oscar for smashin some white boy. denzel winnin a oscar for shootin up fools. nike payin big chips for us to make shoes and clothes that eminem wannabe's go out and buy. that's wassup.

Coffee, Tea, or Link?

A flight attendant who started to blog as a way to get over the death of her mother has been suspended. Strange reason to blog, but whatever. Everything was going fine until she posted pictures of herself wearing the Delta uniform, sadly, taken with her dead mother's digital camera. Ellen Simonetti, who called herself Queen of the Sky, was "really shocked. I had no warning," she told BBC News. Seemingly, she'd done nothing to offend the airline. She'd used that nom de blog, changed the name of the airline to Anonymous, based the carrier in Quirksville, and wrote fictional stories about her Queen character. Jeez, we wish we could read her blog now. Though there are no anti-blogging laws at Delta that anyone knows, and there are pictures of male uniformed Delta employees available on the web, she was nevertheless suspended pending investigation. The Queen of the Sky has lodged a complaint with the US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. The story makes us want a pillow.

When Live TV Goes Very Wrong

How do you explain Piers Morgan?

Until very recently, he was the most (in)famous tabloid newspaper editor in the UK. Outspoken, never far from trouble – a rogue, but there’s something about Piers you can’t help but like. And thanks to this popularity, he had no trouble becoming a TV presenter when (some would say inevitably) he got the sack from the paper for publishing photos of prisoner abuse in Iraq that later turned out to be fakes.

He was doing well as a presenter, too. Until he went live.

This week, he made a cock-up that will surely go down as one of the greats. Keep in mind that this man was a newspaper editor. Viewers tend to take what comes out of his mouth as reliable news.

Today’s Independent gives a great report of what happened. In brief – Piers thought they were doing a camera test so, for a laugh with the cameramen, announced that Al Qaida were planning a terrorist spectacular to disrupt the US election. Nobody laughed. In fact, an off-camera voice chose that moment to inform Piers that they were live. Morgan appeared startled and only had time to say: "Good morning! On today's show..." before time ran out and viewers were taken back to the chat show he had interrupted for what was supposed to have been a trailer for his own programme.

When his show began 15 minutes later, the embarrassed Piers apologised. "I want to put everyone's minds at rest. I don't know anything, so if any of you are worried that I have any inside information about any terrorist attack, I don't. I hope that clears that up. We were just having a little private conversation. It's nothing new - there have been loads of rumours and speculation but I'm sure nothing will happen. Trust me, nobody tells me anything any more."

Sitings

• Say hello to his little speech. Dick Cheney channels Tony Montana. Funny Bryan Boyce video. (t/y Rodney)
• All the condiments in your office drawer. (t/y Aric)
• E-baby. Creepy or poignant?

Snap!

WOW's Sandy Piha and James St. James at the Club Party Monster pre-Halloween Bash at Avalon Wednesday night.

New Word of the Week

In her review of the indie film Primer in the LA Times, Carina Chocano described the invention that the two protagonists turn into a small-potatoes time machine a superconductermajiggy, which we think is a fine word to describe any of those fictional contraptions around which some fantasy films are based.

In that LA Weekly piece about Abe Lincoln's being gay, Doug Ireland called the 16th president a same-sexer, and that seems to us a refreshing and snappy alternative to the tired "gay" and "lesbian" and the once-derogatory, now-ironic (and tired) "fag," "queer," and "homo." Fenton Bailey, in regard to historical characters posthumously being pulled out of the closet, is partial to yestergays.

The Lincoln Bedroom

The fact that Adolf Hitler was likely a homosexual (most actively in his pre-fuhrer years) leaves a bad taste in the collective mouth of the gay community, which is not happy when any of its historical residents are discovered to be unpleasant. But now, however, there's good news – evidence coming to light that honest Abe Lincoln, whom everyone agrees was delightful, was given to the alternative lifestyle. It's just possible he freed the slaves so there could be a Grace Jones.

In a new book, The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln, clinical psychologist Dr CA Tripp's research discovers that Lincoln reached puberty as early as age nine or 10, which is an indicator, according to Alfred Kinsey, of same-sex proclivity. After he was assassinated, Lincoln’s stepmother said that as a boy he "never took much interest in the girls." In his review of The Intimate World. . . for LA Weekly, Doug Ireland says that 40 years ago Los Angeles gay activist Jim Kepner wrote about Lincoln's long-acknowledged intimacy with Joshua Speed, with whom Lincoln slept in the same bed for four years, when both were in their twenties. Illinois poet Carl Sandburg wrote in his biography of Lincoln that both Lincoln and Speed had "a streak of lavender, and spots soft as may violets."

In a detailed retelling of the Lincoln-Speed love story — including the "lust at first sight" encounter between the two young men, when Lincoln readily accepted Speed’s eager invitation to share his narrow bed — Tripp notes that Speed was the only human being to whom the president ever signed his letters with the unusually tender (for Lincoln) "yours forever" — a salutation Lincoln never even used to his wife. Speed himself acknowledged that "No two men were ever so intimate." And Tripp credibly describes Lincoln’s near nervous breakdown following Speed’s decision to end their four-year affair by returning to his native Kentucky.

Phone Call from a Felon

The twelfth and final installment in our 12-part Thursday reading series of recorded phone calls between James St. James and superstar prisoner #97A-6595, Michael Alig. In this installment: Michael channels his inner auteur and discusses his post-prison plans.

TUESDAY AFTERNOON

James St. James: So this is it. The last one. Tell me: What do you plan to do when you get out?

Michael Alig: (Nonchalantly) Oh, I don’t know.

James: MICHAEL!

Michael: Why, you want to see a movie or something?

James: (Laughs)

Michael: No really, I have a very good idea, actually.

James: What?

Michael: And this really something that’s do-able. You know, James, I will never be able to totally distance myself from clubland. I mean, you know that, right?

James: Well, you'll also never be able to work in a nightclub or any place that serves alcohol. You can’t work at places with liquor licenses.

Michael: That’s not true. What it is, is I’m not allowed to put my name on a liquor license. So I’ll be like Steve Lewis. Steve Lewis can’t direct a club, or have his name on a liquor license, but he can be the "artistic advisor" or whatever he’s called. But that’s not my idea. My idea is to make some really, really cool underground movies with all of our friends (or whoever will be my friend when I come out) and make these movies, make them very cheap, and really sick and twisted like that BABY HATER movie that Laurie Pike made, that I read about in PAPER magazine.

James: (Slowly) So you’re going to make movies about people who hate babies?

Michael: No, no, no. In the vein of John Waters and FEMALE TROUBLE and DESPERATE LIVING and sick stuff like that. Then I’ll have premieres in, say, five or six or 10 major cities across the country (and maybe even across the world, in Berlin and London!), and take 10, 15, 20 of the stars of the movie to each of the premieres in each of the cities and have fabulous Hollywood-style red carpet premieres, with the klieg lights and everything! And the people, the fans, can come to the party afterwards and mingle with the stars of the movie! Don’t you think that would be fun?

James: (Complete and utter silence) So you want to take your club-kid friends and make movies about them, like little Warholian-type things….?

Michael: More John Waters.

James: Um, but you don’t know anything about movies or directing movies.

Michael: WELL, THAT’S THE WHOLE BEAUTY OF IT, JAMES! You know how the whole club-kid thing works! I don’t have to make the movies. It’s sort of like Andy Warhol and Paul Morrissey. Andy didn’t make the movies. Paul did.

James: So you’re going to find…

Michael: I’ve already found somebody! I’ve found a hundred people like that!

James: Jeeez – don’t get defensive. I’m just doing my duty, asking the questions….

Michael: I’M JUST SAYING!

James: So it will be like “Michael Alig Presents….”

Michael: Well, I will be there when they are actually made. I’m not going to distance myself from it. I’ll be in the room saying (in an odd Hungarian accent) “It should be taller, like a LIPSTICK! Like a POWDERPUFF!”

James: Is that a BRADY BUNCH reference?

Michael: That was Bibi Galini on the Brady Bunch. Remember Bibi?

James: Zsa Zsa right?

Michael: No it wasn’t, but it was somebody like Zsa Zsa. And she had that fag assistant, and she and her assistant were both in the same office, except they had two separate desks and two separate telephones, and whenever he needed to talk to her he had to pick up the phone and buzz her desk. And she would pick it up. And at one point one of her rivals called and he said, Bibi, so-and-so on line 5, and she said, Her I do not wish to speak to – hang up loudly.

James: We’re a little off point here.

Michael: Well, don’t you think it’s a good idea?

James: Sure, Michael, it’s a great idea.

Michael: I mean like REAL red carpet premieres!

James: I got it. Now are you still going to be working clubs, doing clubs, throwing parties?

Michael: Eventually I’ll do something. You’ve heard about what’s going on Mondays at Avalon, right?

James: No. what?

Michael: YOU DON’T KNOW?

James: No. You’re killing me. What?

Michael: Keoki! Boy George! Amanda! Richie! Tasty Tim! Sophia!

James: OMG! That’s so glamorous! Monday nights, though? Has that ever been done? How’s it going?

Michael: I don’t know, but I have spies going in and sending me pictures.

James: OK, OK, OK. Let’s keep it moving. Other than this, what other plans do you have?

Michael: Well….

James: And how do you plan to spend the rest of the time in prison? How much longer do you think you have?

Michael: Gosh, talk about not being interested in my answers. Disaffected! How rude!

James: Anyway….

Michael: (Big sigh) "Let’s get this over with!”

James: So, theoretically, you think you have a year left….

Michael: NO, WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY? I see the parole board in two years and one month.

James: Two years and one month. What happens if you don’t make parole the first time?

Michael: Well, they can tell you anything. They can say come back in six months with no tickets and we’ll let you go home, or they’ll say take this program and come back in 12 months we’ll let you out. They can say anything. BUT they can only say no up to a certain point. They can only say no twice, basically.

James: What is the purpose of saying 10 to 20 then?

Michael: Well, if you get into trouble while you’re in jail.…

James: Have you been in any major trouble?

Michael: Not enough that they can keep me beyond the two times. I’m talking about something that would get you an extra charge, like stabbing someone. And I’ve been really good the last four years. Actually, I was just told yesterday that I’m eligible for the Honor Block, which is quite an achievement, I might add. It means, if I choose to go there, that I will go someplace where I have a microwave oven, and be able to cook… JAMES! are you even paying attention to me?

James: I’m sorry, I was IMDB-ing Zsa Zsa Gabor to see if she was on the Brady Bunch. What were you saying?

Michael: I’M TELLING YOU IT WASN’T HER! As I was saying, it’s a step up. I can have a microwave and pots and pans to cook, and have a refrigerator that I can keep food in and my cell is twice the size and it's open all day long, and we have movies every day, and showers right there and we don’t have to come down to the gym for showers, so it’s a lot of privileges. The only thing is, this place is full of goody-two-shoes, everybody there is a snitch, so it’s like you’ve really got to be careful because every one is trying to be on their best behavior to get out.

James: Are you ever going to be able to take computer classes or anything? You realize when you get out you will be 10 years behind the rest of the world. Doesn’t that scare you?

Michael: They really don’t have anything like that.

James: Doesn’t it freak you out that before you went in, nobody really had cell phones, nobody was on the internet….

Michael: I think I’ll pick it all up pretty quickly.

James: Last question: You know, every day I fight the urge to wear a diaper and clown nose to work. I miss dressing up so much. When you get out, what are you going to wear? How are you going to dress? Forty is too old for club-kid looks.

Michael: I will probably do some sort of shirt-and-tie thing.

James: Huh?

Michael: You know, some kind of new-wave-y/German/electroclash look.

James: I suppose. But then after 50, we can go back to drag, right?

Michael: Oh absolutely.

Whathaveyou

The delightful Popbitch today says that "poor Marc Almond is in a coma." The Soft Cell singer, you'll remember, was riding pillion on a motorcycle in London last Sunday when it collided with a car and both Almond and driver were thrown to the pavement, Almond landing on his head. The BBC News, however, reported only a few hours ago that he's been moved out of intensive care at the Royal London Hospital. No mention of coma. Stay tuned.

Says Michael Musto in his "La Dolce Musto" column in the Village Voice:

That ASHLEE SIMPSON technical fiasco on Saturday Night Live came as no surprise to anyone who was at the dress rehearsal earlier that evening. My sources say that at the rehearsal, right before her first song, Ashlee tried to say hi to the crowd, but no one heard her because her mic wasn't on. And they say JESSICA is the dumb one! By the way, gossiplist.com points out that BETH MCCARTHY, the director of that SNL show, also directed the Super Bowl halftime show with JANET JACKSON's wardrobe malfunction. I say let her direct the election coverage—a lot of interesting stuff will surely be exposed!

Meanwhile, the world awaits breathlessly for news on the Paris-Andy-Mark-go-round. Paris Hilton, was seen kissing tennis star Andy Roddick at the Light club in the Bellagio in Las Vegas moments after she declared – in a Los Angeles store – her love for the handsome other tennis star, Mark Philippoussis aka The Scud, who had just split with and broken the heart of Delta Goodrem, a popular singer the WOW Report had never heard of, but whose singing sounds like she might have won one of those European Idol shows. Paris and Mark were identified entering a party together at the New York club Butter. Of course, everything has been denied by everyone involved, but the dish is served at news.com.au and at heraldsun.news.com, both Aussie tabsites. What interests the WOW Report most is how much air time Paris puts in, flying back and forth between New York, Los Angeles, and Las Vegas, seemingly every day, kissing and partying and opening clubs and denying as she goes. She must be really dehydrated.

Photo Marc Almond - Retna; Mark Philippoussis - David Duprey, AP

Lost Dog

I don’t know how it is in the US, but generally in Britain when you lose a pet, you advertise on trees in the area, and slowly work on getting your children used to the idea that Spot "has had to go away for a while."

But not in Ireland. (I know that Ireland isn’t technically British, but it’s close by, OK?) The BBC is reporting a remarkable story from Dublin:

Brock the Jack Russell goes missing. Several days pass. Dog considered gone. Kids told "Brock has had to go away for a while." They cry (probably – the BBC was a little light in the detail). Dad sits down to watch major sporting event on TV (with a beer, I imagine), sees Brock running around on the pitch. Family re-united with dog. Depression lifted. The end.

It’s a great story. Worthy of a film even. And if I were in advertising, I would so sign that dog up. Think of the brands he could work for! Nike. Budweiser. Paxil. The family are sitting on a gold mine!

-- Barry Shaverin

Sitings

• I #!!@! you / You #!!@! me / We're a #$!!&% family. Is Tupac alive and well inside the Barney suit?
• Treasure Box, a game. Mysterious, arduous, French.
• Eminem's new, political video, "Mosh." Shady's back.
• More conservative Goths.
• Adam Smith directs GoldieLookinChain's "Your Mother's Got a Penis." You will believe.

Porn Search

If you believe this AP story via Yahoo, internet users over the last seven years have drastically reduced their search for sex and porn and tend to look now more for commerce and business sites. Studies have been done. But we do studies too. Here are WOW's top searches, in order, for October:

Michael Alig
Porno Valley
World of Wonder
Deep Throat
James St. James
WOW Report
Porno
Michael Alig pictures
Anal bleaching
Porno trailers

Diane von Furstenphone

Diane von Furstenberg, designer of the wrap dress, has teamed up with Samsung and Vogue to create a couture cell phone. Von Furstenberg created DVF Mobile by Samsung by reproducing a portrait that Andy Warhol painted of her. DVF Mobile by Samsung is accompanied by a Diane von Furstenberg original charm and accessory called the CityBand, which allows, um, stylish women to carry lip gloss, credit card, wireless phone, and, gee, what else do you need? in one fell package. It would have been the perfect accessory to carry at Studio 54, had there been cell phones then. Can you believe there weren't? God, Andy would have loved it.

Google Shmoogle

Observant WOW Report readers will notice we no longer feature the Google banner ads under the most-recent posts of the day, the ads that ingeniously tried to be pertinent to the content: a psychiatrist's ad under Phone Call from a Felon, for example, or a plug for hemorrhoid cream under a bit about the anal bleaching fad. But a letter from Elizabeth of the Google Team last week informed us that we have become unsuitable to carry the ads because of our recent posting of Albert Crudo's portrait of a nude Donald Trump with a skyscraper for a penis. Oddly, though, it was acceptable to run a Phone Call that described a transvestite inmate chopping off her testicles with a tuna can lid. We suppose now that Google's gone public and the Google Team is richer and more powerful than Trump, it doesn't want to offend its peers at the club. Whatever. Here's Elizabeth's letter:

Hello,

Our program specialists regularly review AdSense websites for various criteria, including, but not limited to, site content, clear navigation, and compliance with our program policies. We also reserve the right to disable ad-serving to certain sites.

While reviewing your account, our specialists noticed that you are displaying Google ads on a type of website that we don't currently support in our program (http://worldofwonder.net/archives/2004/10/08/trumps_tower.php). Such websites include, but are not limited to, chat sites, sites that drive traffic through cybersquatting or domain parking, domain registration sites, sites that employ cloaking or framing, and sites that contain excessive keywords or hidden content. As a result, we have disabled ad-serving to this URL.

Your account remains active, and you can continue to display ads on your other sites that comply with our policies.

Google has certain policies in place that we believe will help ensure the effectiveness of Google ads for our publishers as well as our advertisers. We believe strongly in freedom of expression and therefore offer broad access to content across the web without censoring results. At the same time, we reserve the right to exercise editorial discretion when it comes to the ads we display in our AdWords program and the sites on which we choose to display them in our AdSense program, as noted in our respective Terms and Conditions.

Thank you for your understanding.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth
The Google Team

Goth the Vote

Yes, Virginia, thankfully, there is a Goths for Bush community. Here's an excerpt from the minutes of the last Goth Republican Convergence, in July.

To set the mood, Mistress Luciada played  music from Cadle of Filth, Angelwhore and Llacuna Coil.  The windows were then suitably duct-taped and otherwise lightproofed; the only light allowed near us was the glare reflecting from Elianore's red  lipstick.  We were satisfied  that the  facility was properly set for dominating the minds of innocents and forcing them to accept George Bush. We began with a short reading from Poe and discussed  the true horrors of life under George Bush. It was agreed that there is no hope, only pain and sadness and that he would continue to provide us with the same.  Lord Pomaratin led us to take  time to deal with our  personal  immense displeasure of living. We decided to collect money for George Bush and raised $6.00 between us. It was decided the best way to spend it would be to take the bus  to the mall and seek out others that we could convince to support George Bush and our  sadness.

(Goths for Bush)

Holly Woodlawn

1. If you had two tickets to paradise, where would you go and who would you take?
The Swiss bank vault and a gorgeous truck driver.

2. What scares you?
Skydiving without a parachute. . . or panties.

3. What can't you live without?
Other people.

4. Other than people and pets, what would you save first if your house caught fire?
My copy of Cleopatra with Liz Taylor.

5. What's your favorite room in a house?
The kitchen and my DUNGEON.

Blind TV

Which TV show contestants are apparently so horned-up after their transformative experiences that their backstage antics have apparently featured full-blown come-ons to innocent crew members?

Which new reality show features a perky family dog that was killed accidentally during the shooting (crew mishap) but is featured on the program panting and licking and bringing family members joy?

Swan Dive

The Swan's two-hour Monday special, "Where Are They Now?" left Randy Barbato with a bevy of questions. We seem to remember that Fox's The Swan was once his favorite show.

How many shots of women shaving their faces can one program feature? A LOT

Would show creator Nely Galán really tell a burn victim to "wear her scars like jewels"? YOU BET.

Does that "British" host really think she can say "work it girl" and get away with it? APPARENTLY SO, OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Would they seriously consider putting a long porno wig on that cute black girl? OF COURSE, AND A RED ONE AT THAT.

And, why do the swans always wear elbow length-gloves at the big reveal? ACTUALLY, I DONT WANT TO KNOW.

Meanwhile, did anyone notice not one, not two, but three sets of breasts featured on the "big reveal" set? OK, they were just sculpted "busts" but they featured nipples. and five more nipples than Janet showed us. Six nipples on prime-time TV!

– Randy Barbato

Great British Eccentrics #37

We love eccentrics in the UK. The sort of people that would probably be locked up anywhere else are positively revered over here.

So we at WOW London are proud to draw your attention to a story today on Sky News.

Brit Lloyd Scott, who last year ran the London Marathon in a diving suit (it took him almost a week), is now riding across Australia on a bicycle. Not eccentric enough for you? It’s a Penny Farthing. Still not enough? He’s doing it dressed as Sherlock Holmes.

Positively insane. But sooooooo British.

– Barry Shaverin

The Dog Blog

WOW mascot Edith, a mixed breed of a certain age, has a few ideas about reality TV she'd like to get off her chests.

I always want to give a woof out to PETA, but now I have to give them a tail-lashing for protesting the World of Wonder series, SHOWDOG MOMS AND DADS, before even a single frame was shot. The series will showcase the unconditional love that dog owners feel for their charges through the prism of the showdog world. The only possible complaint could be that these are people who love their dogs too much. 

This is a recurring theme of my favorite show, THE DOG WHISPERER, National Geographic's breakout hit. Cesar Millan – now that's a face I want to give a good licking! – teaches overwrought dogs how to walk across polished marble floors without their owners having to cart round a strip of carpet everywhere they go (for real). While I don't believe you can be loved too much, as a mutt I must respect Cesar's no-nonsense approach to neurotic pooches.

I give two paws down to THE APPRENTICE, which featured desperate yuppies molesting (they called it doggie massage) and tormenting (they clipped their claws as if they were debeaking chicks) dogs. Grrr, reality television can be hazardous to us four-legged creatures.

Finally – because my attention dog disorder is kicking in – why are the PETA humans silent about the ethical treatment of contestants on the America's Next Top Model? (Edith howls with laughter)

– Edith, as told to Fenton Bailey

Photo: Edith watches reality TV, Macaulay Culkin chats on the phone

The St. James Version

SCARY THINGS
I'm afraid of everything. EVERYTHING. As a child, I spent a great deal of time hiding in the kitchen cabinet. I was deathly afraid of Charles Manson (of course, of course) and ants depositing eggs in my eyelids (go figure). I was afraid of chiggers and dust bunnies and cannibals and that terrible, terrible Cyclops from THE SEVENTH VOYAGE OF SINBAD.

Because it’s October, and because I’m hung over and don’t feel like discussing my weekend, here is a list of all the things that terrify me:

- Pickles
- Sinkholes
- Blue collar TV
- The smell of old butt in your bed.
- “Pucci-inspired”
- Lox
- Defenestration
- Rouged nipples on women
- “Powder and base – together in one!"
- Colonic resorts
- Lesbian hairdo’s
- The Chunnel
- Land sharks
- Misshapen heads
- Most secretions
- Sea cucumbers
- Sinister new developments
- Jumping through hoops
- The smell of gay bars
- Spinning meat
- Ambiguous street signs
- Intimacy
- Hairy moles
- Bloody stools
- Unintentional dreadlocks
- Mutating birthmarks
- Killer Bees
- Rampaging moose
- Deviled eggs
- Festering wounds
- Grizzly bears
- Alligators in the swimming pool
- Bats in the toilet
- Ghosts in the machine
- A rain of blood
- Snuggles, the fabric softener bear
- Ringworms and pinworms
- Earwigs
- Earthquakes
- Joey Ramone
- All types of coffee, but Tanzania Peaberry in particular
- Understanding “tongues”
- Possum families dangling in my window late at night
- Seeing my doppleganger (he’s everywhere)
- FOUR MORE YEARS

– James St. James

She Fell to 'Pieces'

This morning, on the radio, her father spins the story that she had a bad case of acid reflux – which we all should know from "the MTV show" – and was too hoarse to sing without "backing vocals." Her band's drummer, however, "hit the wrong button" for her second song. So how do you explain the girl's Granny Clampett jig when the vocals started without her? Wethinks her career may have taken a bellyflop into the cement pond. If you fell asleep during the mind-numbing installment of Saturday Night, um, Live before the fiasco occurred, check out the clip at collegehumor.com.

Jenny Moves off the Block

Jennifer Lopez has just sold her Beverly Hills house and everything in it to Element Films founder, Sam Nazarian, for $12.5 million. The four-bedroom, seven-bathroom, 10,000-square-foot house with infinity pool, tennis court, and projection room, which J. Lo has owned for four years, was the site of her recent marriage to Marc Anthony. So much for sentiment. No word on what she'll call her crib now, but she does have a house in Miami. So now we're wondering if selling your house with all its contents is the new "I'll buy it when I get there" -- you know, that thing you say when you realize at the airport that you've left your suitcase in the taxi.

Remember Madonna? She's just sold a house, too. In Beverly Hills. And it's one she's owned for four years. Just like Jenny. She'd purchased the eight-bedroom, 6,500 square-foot Wallace Neff house (with pool, guesthouse, blah-di-blah, and blah) from Diane Keaton for $6.5 in 2000, was asking $10.9 for it this year, but generously agreed to accept only $8.9 from the buyer. Last year, she bought a Beverly Hills compound from actress Sela Ward for $12 million, so she and Guy won't have to rely on only that bedsit in London. Um, if you're not the Brady Bunch, do you really need eight bedrooms? (Hot Property)

Recently Dead

Betty Hill, variously named First Lady of UFOs and Grandmother of All Abductions, died of cancer last week at home in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. She was 85. One night in 1961, after a trip to Niagara Falls, she and her husband, Barney, were driving home through New Hampshire's White Mountains and were abducted by extraterrestrials, "gray, cat-eyed humanoids" (per the LA Times), and two mysterious hours later, deposited back on Earth 35 miles from their car. Frightened and awed though they were by the jet-size saucer that hovered and swooped, the couple remembered nothing about the abduction until the nightmares and other ailments began.

What makes Betty and Barney Rubble's, er, Hill's seemingly ho-hum experience so noteworthy is that, until that moment, nothing of its sort had ever happened before. It was the first reported occurrence of an alien spacecraft capturing and performing experiments on humans. Though the Hills had no interest in going public with their story (and Betty remained skeptical of others who reported similar stories), a Boston newspaper got hold of tape recordings of the Hills' psychiatric sessions and it became a bigger story than Mary-Kate's eating disorder 43 years later. (More Betty)

Photo: Betty, Barney, and Junior

She's Pro Bono

Is there a more pretentious, full-of-himself rock performer than Bono? It was reported over the weekend that a briefcase containing a notebook of lyrics intended for U2's second album, 1981's October, had been returned recently to the band 23 years after it was stolen by two women posing as groupies during a U2 concert in Portland, Oregon. Due to the loss, Bono had to re-create all the lyrics for the LP, a near-impossible task, even for genius. Subsequently, the band had a rotten time in the studio and the album didn't receive Second-Coming acclaim.

Turns out that Cindy Harris found the briefcase in 1981, the year it went missing. The case, which also contained Bono's US work visa, tour schedules, promotional photos, love letters to and from the lead singer, and hotel receipts for $32.95, was in the attic of a house she'd rented in Tacoma, Washington. Harris said she had no idea the notes had been stolen and even less of an idea of how to get in touch with the band, and then completely forgot about it as she got on with her life. Bono had made numerous requests for the briefcase during shows in Portland, and Harris finally arranged to meet Bono in a Portland hotel lobby last Wednesday, and they laughed about the hotel receipts. Oh, how they laughed. Bono made a public announcement that the return of the briefcase was "an act of grace," as if it were a lost book of the Bible. But he didn't say that from home, of course, or from a motel room while on tour. He made the statement while appearing before the World Affairs Council of Oregon, where he was opining on debt relief, poverty, and AIDS in Africa. We think Mick Jagger was the previous speaker. But a true act of grace would have been giving Cindy Harris some kind of reward -- not just a laught or two -- for not taking the eBay way out. (Seattle Times)

Sitings

• It's hot phone sex, but when you call them, Lie Girls want to talk to you about mmm, oh baby, hot hot . . . .issues like the flaccid economy and the, mmmm, growing terrorist problem. Watch the ad.
• Grandaddy sings "Nature Anthem." Absolutely delightful. The WOW Report's favorite song.
• Behind the scenes on The Machinist with emaciated Christian Bale.
• Hit and run and hit.
• Battle of the Sexes parallel parking game.
• Wipe that smile off Osama's face!

It's a Small, Long World

Somewhere outside Hamburg, Germany, television producers are right now building a town on 17,000 square feet of land and will people it with unemployed citizens to create a parallel reality just for a television show that's expected to air forever. It's like a cross between The Truman Show, early colonization of the US, The Sims video game, and, like, a really bad dream you can't wake up from.

There will be a forest, a town square complete with shops and a church tower, schools and businesses. Contestants will, it is hoped, live there for years; falling in love, going to school, even getting married. The producers hope to lure in businesses to employ them, teachers to teach them and doctors to care for the sick. Producer Rainert Laux said: "We hope couples will get pregnant and family groups will interact with all the usual family frictions."

The Guardian says that the city is being built from scratch and will be rather like a theme park; fans of the show will be able to visit the town and look at the citizens as if they were at the zoo. Germany's epic version of Big Brother, which is set to air in March, will broadcast 24 hours a day on the internet, with highlights airing seven nights a week on TV. Depending on viewer response, the show could go live 24-7 around the world. Currently, a successful yearlong version of the show is running in Germany.

Relatively Speaking

We mentioned yesterday that Bush and Kerry were distant cousins. Interesting. But today we've found a site called Bush Relatives for Kerry, where relatives of Bush explain why they're voting for Kerry. They want to do their "small part to help America heal from the sickness it has suffered since George Bush was appointed President in 2000." Oh, and they implore, "Please, don't vote for our cousin!" We have to assume that all of Kerry's relatives are voting for Kerry. So there's hope.

Prescott Bush is the father of George Herbert Walker Bush (the former President) and the grandfather of George Walker Bush. Prescott Bush had a sister, Mary Bush, who married Francis E. House, Jr. All of the people on the site are the grandchildren of Mary Bush and Francis E. House, Jr.

Ask a Black Girl

She'll Hook You Up

Dear Black Girl,
Is it really true that you can tell what a guy is like in bed by how he dances? If so, I may be in trouble because I dance like a mime crossed with a 1980s robot. How would you rate my skills?
– A Worried Mimer

dear bishop, 
omfg! am i the asian spokesgirl now? i'mma start chargin yall. can a girl get a #9 with fried rice or something. shit. for the fifty leventh time, yeah! you can tell how the strokin in the pokin is gone be from the way a dude moves on the dance floor. a proper knock down is all about rhythm and timing. yeah you in trouble tin man. what skillz? you need to stick to soupin up hondas and akaras. did this fool say a 1980s robot?
– chuurch

Dear Black Girl,
I love going down on black women. They are very vocal. I love their skin. I'm addicted to the way they taste. I would do it everyday if I had the chance. But for some reason, they are not into going down on guys. Why is that?
– Mr. Goodbar

dear mr. goodbar,
who da hell you been messin wit? you is a fool. black girls love suckin dick. we'll suck the piss out a dick. sometimes that's better than ooowee. you are being played homeboy. don't be fallin for the okey doke like that. you probably saying some corny shit to the girls you be wit. plus, for every girl that won't, there's one that will. man if you packin, and yo swipe don't look like a "goodbar" wit a hole bunch of bumps you should be gettin headsprung e'rryday.

It's Salsa Meaningless

WOW's Moye Ishimoto, who's neither Latin nor the girl in the picture, has issues with the MTV Latin America Video Music Awards. The award itself. The trophy. "Is it just me, or does it look wrong?" she asks, and is not alone when she wonders, "What is it? A tongue? A vagina? A vibrator?" And if you knew Moye, you'd know how difficult it was for her to say "vagina" and "vibrator." It shouldn't be that nice girls like Moye are subjected to large, pink, tongue-shaped statuettes of questionable import when all they want to do is dance.

America's Next Top Twaddle

"I love this show," says Fenton Bailey about America's Next Top Model. "I really do. But the heinous bitchiness is just so irresistibly infectious I can't resist. Why, just the night before last, our wannabe models were being advised, 'You don't want to look like a porn star, you want to look. . . editorial.' Some hope – as they were stripped to their knickers and stuck in a store window like showroom dummies for all New York to see. 'We want class not crass, alluring not slutty,' urged Simon Doonan, trying to bring a little zen to the humiliating ho-down. Porn stars would have looked posher. But it's not their fault, poor things. They are ho-stages in Tyra's terrorist booty camp."

Another Country Heard From

Ex-wife Joanna remembers our London days, bless her. She still lives there. She says in an email that she seems to think Biba was on King's Road and then moved to the now-defunct Kensington Market, "where I bought for five pounds that fabulous black-and-white dress that [our daughter] Chloë drags around with her." But she also thinks that she bought her makeup at Mary Quant, not at Biba, as fondly remembered by the WOW Reporter. "Did Biba in fact sell other products other than her own?" she asks, gingerly, knowing the answer. "Do you remember the box of crayon-makeup I kept for years? I remember crayoning red on my eyelids – even though there was a warning on the box not to do exactly that. But, you know, life as art and all of that.

"Oh, God, help, I do remember the entrance to Biba and the counters and it all seemed incredibly dark – very 'aubergine.' Recently it's been said that all the people coming in just stole everything and never paid." She says Derry & Toms became Barkers, which is owned by House of Fraser (UK's leading retailer of designer brands), "with two big staircases on either side as you enter the front door, with dark red carpeting." She knows this because she's spent the last three-and-a-half years patronizing "that very store with a roof garden."

And in WOW's continuing celebration of Biba's 40th anniversary, we suggest you turn to this report from the BBC.

Unlike most high street shops of the era, Biba stores were decked out with dark mahogany screens and stereos playing rock music. It's dim lighting made it a prime target for shoplifters and its fame meant it became more of a tourist attraction than a profit making store.

British Intelligence

There’s been a lot of talk in Britain over the last few days as to whether the deployment of British "Black Watch" troops to the Sunni Triangle is less to do with the Iraqi election as advertised, and more to do with the US election. How foolish we have been! Apparently the US election will NOT be influenced by events in Iraq. Instead, it’s all about whose supporters have the best rack.

We at WOW London only hope that our election next year will promote as much nudity among British students.

WOW London are indebted to the venerable MC Rebbe for this link.

The Lobbyist

Fenton Bailey sent these cell phone shots of items he spotted in the lobby of NBC, home of The Tonight Show. He's amused that Jay Leno's gag props would be displayed, and wonders, "Does NBC stand for Nazis Blowjobs and Crap?"

Snap!

"Let's update that thing!" says Lady Bunny's photographer, Aaron Cobbett. Anything to oblige a lady, er, the Lady.

The Naked Tape

Marla Maples was taking a meeting in the offices here the other day and just as James was excitedly explaining to her what the WOW Report is, this WOW Reporter ran up with his pocket cam and shot mad guerrilla video of her being gorgeous and unaware. That's Fenton on the left. (Look!)

Poor Relations

Jeannette Walls today in her msnbc.msn gossip column says that Madonna and Celine Dion are related. Not closely, but related. According to genealogist Troy Dunn, who also claims that Kerry and Bush are distant cousins, Madonna and Dion share roots. When contacted with the news, Madonna's people were tactfully mum on the subject; however, Dion's people were horrified. Horrified? Dion's people?

Be My, Be My Biba

Seems like only yesterday that the wife and I (yes, that's what I said) were shopping at the deco-rific Biba store in London, she selecting lipstick and eyeshadow in the new shades of plum, brown, and dried blood, I admiring the boutique's rolls of art nouveau wallpaper and cans of paint in the new shades of plum, brown, and dried blood. Seems like yesterday, but it was 1970. If we had known then how important and historically dolly-rocking it was. . . Well, you never know at the time, do you?

The fashionable Biba (Bee'-ba) had opened in unfashionable Kensington in 1964, as London was about to become famously "swinging" – which Biba greatly contributed to. Its proprietor, designer, and hostess, Barbara Hulanicki, would move the shop many times before, in 1969, it took up its two-year residence in the old Derry & Toms department store in Kensington High Street, as a full-on, full-service, dazzlingly impressive department store in itself, an environment of art deco/nouveau splendor complete with lush and expansive roof garden and Rainbow Room restaurant. It had been the first department store to open in London since WWII and, frankly, Macy's and Harrod's paled in its shadow. In 1975, Biba closed for good. Those were the days, my friend

The entire story of the store, the designer, the fashion, and the times are now wonderfully, exhaustively explained and lavishly illustrated in The Biba Experience, a heavenly book from Antique Collectors' Club, published on the 40th anniversary of the opening of the first store and a must-have for designers, decorators, and ordinary Anglophiles. It's a collaboration between Alwyn W Turner, an authority on '60s and '70s popular culture, and Pari, a leading expert on Biba and unrivaled collector of Biba fashion and memorabilia.

Left, Barbara Hulanicki in 1969; right, elevator designed by Walter Gilbert, in the Derry & Toms store

More...

Phone Call from a Felon

The eleventh in our 12-part Thursday reading series of recorded phone calls between James St. James and superstar prisoner #97A-6595, Michael Alig. In this installment: Michael is mistaken for crazy, and experiences the joys of second-hand methadone.

TUESDAY AFTERNOON

MICHAEL ALIG: You know, James, you don’t know any of this: When I first got to Rikers Island, do you know that they put me in the mental ward?

JAMES ST. JAMES: I think I sort of did. Why did they do that?

Michael: (Very sarcastic) Well, gee, I don’t know. Maybe it was the cover story of the Village Voice that had my picture superimposed on top of a skull (James laughs) with a heroin needle underneath (James laughs harder). All about how I’m an admitted pedophile. Remember that article? It said, “Michael Alig admits he’s a pedophile. He says he thinks it’s great!”

James: “Just clean fun, is what he said.”

Michael: Of course I said nothing of the sort. It was a complete lie. But you know the Village Voice gets handed out free to inmates at Rikers Island (a great customer base, don’t you think?). So anyway, it was the talk of the prison.

James: How did they make the logistical leap to you being insane?

Michael: Well, because they thought that anybody that goes around saying those things has to be crazy.

James: So were you in a straight jacket? Was it like The Snake Pit?

Michael: I wasn’t but, James, I’m telling you: I feel for those people who are really crazy, because they have nobody. Nobody is going to speak up for them. I was like Francis Farmer, I was in there with them and there was nobody to listen to me because I was crazy.

James: Were you afraid you were going to get lost in the system?

Michael: Oh, totally. James, listen, they put the crazy people in these trailers that are like modular units off the side of Rikers Island. This is in the dead of winter, there was no heat in these buildings, and we were all sleeping in our coats and gloves. It was just as cold inside as it was outside, and you can’t complain to anybody because you’re crazy and they’re not going to listen to you.

James: Right, right.

Michael: And I was dope sick and throwing up. I didn’t want to get in the shower because I was sick and it was cold. And do you know that the inmates threw me in a cold shower and took all my clothes off and just left me there?

James: The other mental people?

Michael: Yes, it was awful.

James: How long were you there?

Michael: About 10 days. Every so often the inmates have to go in for an evaluation and when I went in for the evaluation, right when walked in the room, the psychiatrist said "What are you doing here?" I said "What do you mean?" And she said “You’re not supposed to be here” and then they took me out.

James: Where was Freeze during all this?

Michael: Living it up at a place called NEC or something like that. Which is the VIP section, the protective custody section.

James: So you were dope sick all this time. There weren’t any drugs once you got into Rikers?

Michael: Not in the mental ward.

James: But when you got into Rikers?

Michael: Yes, when I was in Rikers, there was. And, oh God, I was buying people’s methadone from them. This is so disgusting, this is how it works: You have to go to the hospital to take your methadone. So inmates were going to the hospital, drinking it, putting the methadone in their mouth like they were going to drink it, and then KEEPING IT IN THEIR MOUTH ALL THE WAY BACK to the dorm where we were sleeping, THEN SPITTING IT UP IN MY HAND, so that I could drink it, and then I would pay them for it.

James: That’s sooooo fabulous.

Michael: No, James, it wasn’t. And you know, sometimes you don’t even know who your getting it from, sometimes it just comes to you in a little plastic sandwhich baggie—and you can tell it’s spit-up because there’s like saliva in it, and everything, and you just have to drink it.

James: What about the heroin? Wasn’t there heroin there for you?

Michael: There was – but the methadone was much cheaper. I couldn’t afford to buy the heroin.

James: No, I’m sorry, that is TOTALLY fabulous. OPM – Other People’s Methadone.

Photo montage: Justin Hrobuchak

Commie Chameleon

Just so you know, this site, Communists for Kerry, which is actually pretty funny, was recommended to us by WOW's only Republican, a lovely girl otherwise. And a visitor to this site has said, "You guys are obviously right wing, putting this site up to make people afraid to vote for Kerry. Assholes." So now that you know all that, enjoy, sing along to fresh new lyrics to Beatles and Stones classics, but remember, we really want Kerry to be president. Not Bush.

Calendar Girl

In a story on Christina Aguilera that's really just advertorial for a calendar featuring pinups of her, the UK's News of the World rag reveals that the singer really likes sex and wants to experiment with handcuffs and fantasizes pulling a fan out of the audience and fucking him in her dressing room. In what world is that news?

Earlier this year the singer, currently wowing movie-goers as the voice of a jellyfish in animated hit Shark Tale, hinted that girl-on-girl encounters could be a turn-on.