Sitings

• Gee, who to perform at your bar mitzvah/wedding/anniversary/reunion is always a problem. Check out this list of artists from the '70s, '80s, and '90s recommended by marstalent.com. Get Billy Squier for $40,000 or Billy Swan for $3,000.
• A throne made from 4,000 of those annoying AOL CDs that arrive daily in the mailbox. (stupidco.com)

Ham-fisted Reality

As you probably know, they're nuts about their animals in Britain. Nuts. If a human and an animal were both in the path of a runaway SUV, a Brit would probably, well, it's not pretty. Recently, scores of viewers complained when Rebecca Loos, famously the ex-lover of David Beckham, pleasured a boar to climax on the reality show The Farm. Well, she needed the semen. And she'd probably done it a hundred times before, under different circumstances. Calls to Ofcom cried "bestiality" and "sordid," even though the masurbatory act is not uncommon on farms. Even the RSPCA reared its head, but still Channel Five was eventually cleared of breaching decency standards. (abc.net.au)

"The task performed by Rebecca Loos is one that occurs regularly on UK farms. It was properly supervised by a qualified veterinary surgeon and was carried out for a genuine purpose, to artificially inseminate the pigs on the 'celebrity farm,'" the ruling said.

"We don't believe that the scene was degrading or harmful to the boar," the ruling concluded.

Snap!

Is this guy on his knees? Or simply kneeless? The inflatable Marine was photographed near a recruiting stall at the Fryeburg Fair in Maine by filmmaker Mark Lewis, whose films include The Natural History of the Chicken, The Wonderful World of Dogs, and, of course, Rat. He thought this image was suited to the WOW Report.

HOT CHRISTMAS CONTEST

In the 1980s, when Randy Barbato and Fenton Bailey were known in New York City as Randy Pop and Fenton Tart, The Fabulous Pop Tarts, they composed and recorded an infectious Christmas song and sent it to the various press. This year marks the 20th anniversary of "Hot Christmas," a disc this editor remembers receiving back in the day. To mark the occasion, the boys have rerecorded the festive, toe-tapping, vaguely suggestive carol, singing backup for Andrea True, whose "More, More, More" was a huge disco hit back in 1974. True also appears in Inside Deep Throat, the WOW doc hitting theaters in February.

Now here's a related Christmas contest for you. We're looking for hot hot Christmas stories. Stories to make Paris Hilton blush. OK, maybe not that hot. What was your hottest Christmas ever? Tell us your story in under 500 words. The 25 stories we deem best will win its authors an extremely limited edition CD of "Hot Christmas," which, seriously, is really nicely packaged. The five best stories out of the 25 will be posted here on the WOW Report. The First Prize winner will receive an Apple iPod Mini preloaded with the "Hot Christmas" single. Include your name and (we won't publish) your mailing address. Deadline for stories is Wednesday, December 15. Send entries to wowreport@worldofwonder.net. You must be at least 18 and a US resident to enter.

So what's "Hot Christmas" like? Here's a taste. Careful, don't burn your ears. (Listen to the clip)

The (Guest) Basement Tapes

When Nelson Sullivan, New York's extraordinary chronicler of the downtown scene in the 1980s, died suddenly in 1989, his extensive trove of footage fell into the care of Robert Coddington, who's been assembling and editing it as Sullivan might have himself – and certainly meant to. Coddington heads up the Nelson Sullivan Restoration Project, and from December 9th to March 19th some of his latest Sullivan footage will be shown at the New Museum of Contemporary Art in its retrospective of the creative East Village. Sullivan's footage is also on WOW's Party Monster documentary DVD, in the Nelson Sullivan's New York extra. In this clip from Robert Coddington's Legends of New York, Nelson shoots actress Sylvia Miles, James St. James, actress Lisa Edelstein, and the incomparable Christina, made immortal by Marilyn Manson in Party Monster, the movie. (Watch the clip)

A Program Note

We apologize to those of you who turn to the WOW Report for, um, whatever it is you turn to it for, for not immediately having whatever it is you need as fast as you need it. There are tasks, technical things that the Report editor needs a multitude of assistants to perform – uploading, digitizing, compressing, lunch, etc. – that must be executed before we can bring you the very best in blog content. Please stand by. The day's not over yet.

From Soap to Nuns

The charitable Augustinian nuns of Warmoesstraat in Amsterdam are getting too old to physically administer to the homeless in the city's famous red-light district. So when the convent sent out word that it needed funds to continue its work, Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream pricked up its corporate ear. Ben & Jerry's (a division of Unilever, the soap 'n' snacks conglom that put up posters of a flimsily dressed Sarah Jessica Parker in Jerusalem for its Lux soap) provided the homeless with a very generous supply of warm jackets, while not coincidentally taking advantage of them. (The Guardian)

On the jackets, of course, is emblazoned the Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream logo, turning the tramps and addicts and drunks and unfortunates of every mental state imaginable, from comatose to psychotic, into walking (or possibly crawling) ambassadors for this Great American Ice Cream. "We prefer to call them 'people of the street', " said a spokesnun, "The words 'beggar' or 'homeless' immediately give rise to a negative image."

Addressed to Kill vs Shameless Plug

I just wanted to say that your blog has become my favorite thing to read as of late. better than popbitch, gawker, and page six. rock on stephen.

bradford shellhammer
bradfordshellhammer.com

[Ed. note: We recommend visting Shellhammer's excellent site.]

THE greatest happening of 2004 is the outrageous WOW Report column, "Ask a Black Girl."  Black Girl kept us laughin, thinkin and reckonizin all year, fer real doe.  She's the greatest thing since Jennifer Holliday. Church.
 
Byron Devillier
Louisiana

Recently Dead

Sadly, Cynopsis reports today that the body of 14-year-old Teddy Ebersol was found in the wreckage of the 18-seat plane that crashed in Montrose, Colorado, on Sunday. Teddy is the son of NBC Sports chairman Dick Ebersol and actress Susan St. James. The senior Ebersol and college-age son Charles survived the crash and are expected to make full recoveries.

Sitings

• First rule of Glove Club: If you're going to inflate a rubber glove, don't inhale. That's the second rule as well. (b3ta)
• Is this how punksters Green Day started? (b3ta)
• For the man, a discreet, slip-in bulge for those times Cialis fails to impress. Also for the man, the Girlfriend's Lap Pillow, a welcome addition to the Boyfriend's Arm Pillow family. Not safe for, well, anywhere. (t/y Eduardo)
• Hello Miracle! Another grilled sandwich on eBay. (t/y Todd)

More Celebrities at Large

Thursday afternoon, I pulled into my local Whole Foods to buy a bottle for my Thanksgiving dinner host. The parking lot was predictably jammed, and I waited patiently for an old dear to load up her car so I could take her space. Finally she left, but just as I was inching forward, one of those horrible Toyota hybrid cars cut in front of me – going in the WRONG DIRECTION ROUND THE PARKING LOT – and nabbed the space. I honked my horn in frustration, and who should climb out of the Toyota but Alicia Silverstone! And she GLARED at me for honking!! I was outraged. But then I realized I haven't seen her in anything since Batman & Robin, so I guess I got the last laugh.

Steven Corfe

Celebrities at Large

Noon-ish on Saturday, I was at the bar on the top floor of Barneys (I took a wrong turn at the tie department, I swear) and who should I bump into, but FONZIE! Arthur Fonzarelli! Henry Winkler! Wearing THE GAYEST SWEATER EVER!! Sort of a sea-foamy v-neck. And he was just hanging out, surrounded by twinks, at the bar at Barneys!! Now I'm not insinuating anything. I'm just sayin': seafoam sweater. . . the bar at Barneys. . . . HMMMMMMM.

James St. James

Gotta Whole Lotta Lists

In 2005, the Guinness Book of Records turns 50. The anniversary edition of the book may hold the record for the most categories in a book of records, but don't quote us. Here are some of the Hollywood records, courtesy the LA Times.

Longest film documentary: "Grandmother Martha," a 1996 Dutch film about the life of ex-actress and entertainer Martha Stelloo, runs 24 hours, 12 minutes.

Most people thanked by an Oscar winner: On March 13, 1947, Olivia de Havilland thanked 27 people by name in her speech when she won best actress for "To Each His Own."

Most retakes for one scene with dialogue: It's been claimed that Stanley Kubrick asked Shelly Duvall for 127 retakes in his 1980 horror film, "The Shining."

Highest fee per minute for an actor in a TV advertisement: Oscar winner Nicole Kidman reportedly earned $3.71 million — $928,800 per minute — for starring in a four-minute commercial for Chanel No. 5 last December.

Oldest No. 1 box-office star: Marie Dressler was 64 when she became the No. 1 box-office star in 1933.

The St. James Version

Imagine my Thanksgiving Day surprise. There at the news stand:

Aaron Carter !!!
On the cover of L’Uomo Vogue !!!!!
Wearing Heatherette !!!!!!!

No really, I love it when my friends become incredibly successful. I love it when they go A-list on me. It’s just wonderful. And not at all ulcer-inducing. I love it that Richie Rich is living the glamorous life I want to live. It’s even nicer that he looks so incredibly good doing it. Have you seen him lately? No really. Yay, Richie. Yay, Heatherette. Love ya a million. I’ll just toil alone here in the dark. By myself. Supporting you, because YOU DESERVE IT. And just so you know: I’m perfectly fine with the whole Aaron Carter/cover of Vogue thing. Even though I’VE always wanted to dress Aaron Carter. Well, not so much “dress,” you understand. More “undress.” BUT I’M GLAD YOU GOT THERE FIRST. No really. Go Richie.

NOW THEN, A QUICK MESSAGE TO YOU, AARON: Honey. Sugar. Lover. I’m so glad that you are finally embracing your inner club-kid/drag queen/butt-buddy/gay porn side – it’s been a long time coming. I’ve been very patient. However, I’m not sure you need to be making these lifestyle choices in public. It really should be just between you and me and the camcorder in my teddy bear. People like Richie (God love him – GREAT GUY), the photographer Steven Klein (red hot, and very influential) and Kabuki (that nutty makeup artist, yes, he was a boy, I know it’s confusing) THEY WILL ALL TRY AND TALK YOU INTO WEARING LEATHER MONKEY MASKS TO TRY AND SELL MAGAZINES. They will tell you that you’ll tap into a whole new audience if you just grab your crotch LIKE SO. And it’s true. The prison market is very loyal. You’re huge in Attica. They love you on Rikers. But, Baby. Honey-bunny. Sugar-booger. I thought the bedazzled straight jacket was just between us!

– James St. James

Lindsay Lohan Should Have Done This Too Maybe

Yeah, we can't tell what this is either. Could be a sonogram of Britney's purported baby or a nebula in a galaxy far far away. But we're told it's an x-ray of Dutch soap star Georgina Verbaan's breast. When she was 16, Verbaan became a star in Good Times Bad Times. She's 25 now and a recent spread in a men's magazine caused a tumult when readers complained she had had a boob job, as if it were any of their business. Denying the silicone stories, saying she'd put on weight and was no longer 16, after all, she did what any good girl would do – she had her breasts x-rayed and presented to the public on her website. (ananova.com)

The Year in WOW

In December, World of Wonder and the WOW Report will be awarding the prestigious Wowie statuette (left, way smaller than actual size!) to the 100 Best Things of 2004. Movies, television, art, people, events, parties, websites, situations, scandals, products, etc. Oh, help us please. We have lots of nominees, but let us know what you think was Best this year. One hundred is a huge number.

De Werf That Could Happen

WOW researcher Dirk Hendrickx emailed us to reveal who won the Belgian reality show, De Werf, in which 12 couples live in a house and are narrowed down to one that gets to keep the house.

Who has won De WERF? Is Flanders tolerant enough to vote for a lesbian couple or did they vote for an extreme-right, freakingly Arian-looking family? Who won the house, the swimming pool, the beautiful garden, the furniture, etc?

Um, yeah, so who did? The WOW Report editor had to get up from his desk and walk over to Dirk's cubicle and ask him directly. "The girls," he said, smiling. Lesbians winning a public vote? We wonder: Would lesbians beat an extreme-right, freakingly Arian-looking family in a contest in the US?

Recently Dead

Eighteen American military personnel were killed recently in Afghanistan and Iraq, according to Sunday's Los Angeles Times Obituaries. The oldest was 27, the youngest 20.

Julia's Childs

Actress Julia Roberts delivered twins – a boy and a girl – to cinematographer husband Danny Moder on Sunday morning at an unnamed hospital in Southern California, we're guessing Cedars-Sinai. But we couldn't have guessed in a million years what they named the infants. The girl will carry the name Hazel Patricia and the boy will be known as Phinnaeus Walter. May sound weird now but by the time Haz and Phinn are hanging at the nightclub they own, all the Hollywood kids will have names like Aphrodite, Hiawatha, and Apple. And those recklessly handsome twin boys of Geena Davis', Kian and Kaiis, will be the new Paris and Nicky. (ABC News)

In a related story concerning Julia Roberts and things that are spelled with an "ae," archaeologists in Bulgaria have dug up the 9,000-year-old remains of a female and named it Julia Roberts. The blush may be off Roberts' bloom a bit since Pretty Woman, but likening her to a 9,000-year-old skeleton is just rude. Apparently, though, the diggers call the old girl that not because of her age, but her remarkable choppers.

Lead archaeologist Dr. Georgi Ganetsovski said that Prehistoric Julia had Mediterranean features and would have possessed a dazzling smile due to her near-perfect, straight, white teeth, which were almost unheard of in ancient times because of poor dental care and gritty diets that wore down enamel. "She was a rare beauty and could have competed with today's Hollywood stars with her perfect set of teeth," Ganetsovski said. "She is a Stone Age Julia Roberts. She would have had a perfect smile - it really is a puzzle."

What Thanksgiving Means to Me

It seems that even in London there’s no escape from Thanksgiving. Last night, my favourite restaurant was "closed for a private party" – expat Americans eating turkey. Harrumph!

Then my email in-box this morning had more than a handful of out-of-office auto-replies from World of Wonder colleagues and other Americans gloating that they will not be at their desks until next week. Grrr!

The only light relief, an email from my sister on vacation in LA, asking me why all of a sudden she can’t get a taxi, or food, or anything else. That actually cheered me up rather a lot. I took great pleasure in telling her that she’s totally screwed until Monday, just in time for her flight home.

You see, dear Americans, we Brits don’t actually know what Thanksgiving is about. Even Americanophiles like myself have no idea. I have asked a few American friends, and the best they can come up with is "something to do with pilgrims, Native Americans, and turkeys." Any enlightenment will be gratefully received.

Sure I’d like to know the history. But most of all I want to know why you guys are at home stuffing your faces, AND I’M STUCK AT WORK!!!

But whatever the meaning, and despite our obvious vacation envy, WOW London wish you all a happy Thanksgiving.

-- Barry Shaverin

Joystick to the World

According to a list compiled just in time for Christmas by a coalition of parent, church, and women's groups, including the Interfaith Center on Corporate Responsibility and Mothers Against Violence in America, the 10 most violent video games are, alphabetically:

• Doom 3 (Activision)
• Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (Rockstar Games)
• Gunslinger Girls, Vol. 2 (Media Works)
• Half-Life 2 (Sierra)
• Halo 2 (Microsoft Game Studios)
• Hitman: Blood Money (Eidos)
• Manhunt (Rockstar Games)
• Mortal Kombat: Deception (Midway)
• Postal 2 (Whiptail Interactive)
• Shadow Hearts (Midway)

Start shopping. (LA Times)

Snap!

Not a new image, but a Thanksgiving tradition, like not speaking to the family. All possible captions involve the word "pecker."

Jewels and Mules

On the British version of the tacky reality show I'm a Celebrity. . . Get Me Out of Here!, Princess Diana's former butler Paul Burrell told a fellow contestant that he had once walked in on Queen Elizabeth in her sitting room wearing her crown and slippers – which, of course, is what we'd be doing if we owned a royal crown and had nowhere to wear it. “She was practising wearing it for the Opening of Parliament," he said. "She sat with her crown on and her pink, fluffy slippers.” (The Sun)

Emergency Call to Pat Field

Billboards across Israel showing a grinning, slutty, half-naked Sarah Jessica Parker promoting Lux soap have been modified to be more suitable to the oncoming winter season. Supposedly. But it was a phone call to Unilever from an angry rabbi representing Israel's ultra-orthodox Jews, who do not care for their women hanging out of chichi Manhattan schmatas, that got her fleshy parts quickly covered. Now if we can just get her out of those Gap commercials. (NY Daily News)

A spokesman for Unilever Israel said Wednesday the wardrobe was altered - just days after the posters first appeared - to be more suitable for the arrival of winter in Israel. "The winter came suddenly. Last week it was summer. Now it's rainy and cold. Everyone has the flu," said the spokesman, who declined to give his name.

Erin Brockovich

1. If you had two tickets to paradise, where would you go and who would you take?
I’d go to the Turks and Caicos and I would bring everybody in my family and all my animals. And I have a lot of animals.

2. What scares you?
Flying. I do not like flying.

3. What can't you live without?
Hope.

4. Other than people and pets, what would you save first if your house caught fire?
Pictures. Get the pictures and get out.

5. What's your favorite room in a house?
The family room.

The Aim Game

Just in time for the 41st anniversary of the event, a Glasgow, Scotland, company has released JFK Reloaded, a video game that purports to disprove conspiracy theories surrounding the November 22, 1963, assassination of John F. Kennedy, while affording players the opportunity to shoot the president over and over again from the Texas School Book Depository and watch the First Lady crawl over the trunk of the car to their hearts' content. Downloadable on the internet for $9.99, the "docu-game" has been called "despicable" by Sen. Edward Kennedy, the dead president's brother. The managing director of the company that makes JFK Reloaded says the game will "stimulate a younger generation of players to take an interest in this fascinating episode of American history." Yes, there's been outcry. (More at Slate.msn.com)

While the game's ostensible purpose is simply to re-kill Kennedy as accurately as possible, you can perform any number of alternative scenarios. Shoot the driver first, and the motorcade comes to a halt, allowing you to pick off anyone you want. Or sometimes the driver dies with his foot on the accelerator, driving the car off the road and into a lamppost. You can, if you wish, kill Jackie instead.

The Cup Runneth Over

The plastic cup hurled round the world, the one that incited the biggest melee in sports history last Friday night, went on eBay's block on Tuesday and swiftly reached $99,999,999 before the seller felt compelled to cancel the sale. The bids were absurd, given that the cup thrown at Pacers player Ron Artest from the stands was impossible to distinguish from the hundreds of other cups thrown onto the court. The WOW Report, however, would have felt no compulsion to cancel the sale. $99,999,999 is a sweet piece of change. (The Detroit News)

EBay representative Chris Donaly said the cup's auction was likely contaminated by pranksters, not rabid Artest fans, driving up the bids to ridiculous levels. "It often happens with high-profile items like this," Donaly said. "EBay has become a barometer of pop culture. We often get unusual listings after current events."

Snap!

Elpusztult a Tátra - képriport (courtesy ujszo.com)

t/y Robert Coddington

Sitings

• Yiddish With Dick and Jane, a kind of yid vid – with option to buy. (t/y Laurie at LA.com)

The St. James Version (Special Book Review Edition)

A photo book of charity balls! I LOVE charity balls! The grande dames. The social X-rays. The puffy chic of Nouvelle Society. Remember the '80s? Women like Mercedes and Gayfryd and Nan – MY GOD, NAN KEMPNER! Oh, I loved those women. LOVED. THOSE. WOMEN. I once découpaged a coffee table entirely in Pat Buckley’s face. It’s true: I’m a total hag-fag. Whatever. I call it biddy-ism – my secret shame. I get hard reading Suzy.

Unfortunately, I was never exactly embraced by the uptown set. On the rare occasion I was somebody’s guest to a big society gala, I was invariably asked to leave. “Get that transvestite in the chicken suit OUT!” they would say, and a security guard would briskly escort me to the door.

I DID meet Jackie O once, at a Pavarotti concert in Central Park, but it was a bittersweet experience. I was in full-on Lunar drag, tripping on some serious Bart Simpson acid. All of a sudden, Jackie O tapped me on the shoulder and asked me a long and detailed question in Farsi.

Yes, Jackie O.

In Farsi.

As I only spoke Lunar, we were at an impasse. I gaped at her, and she at me. I jumped up and down and made strangling noises until I scared her off. It was simultaneously the high point and the low point of my life.

Anyway: you can imagine my bliss when I got my hands on this book, ACTS OF CHARITY by Mark Peterson

In the introduction, Peterson remembers spending a day following the 96-year-old Queen of New York Society, Brooke Astor, as she toddled around NY attending to her various philanthropic obligations. They went to an elementary school in Harlem where she was to present a check for the school’s library funds. This was a very big deal for the school. They had a little ceremony, brought in all the kids, and posed for pictures. The principal thanked Mrs Astor humbly, almost bowing to her. That was when Mrs Astor asked if the children still read that delightful book she had loved as a child: LITTLE BLACK SAMBO?

Crickets.

The principal diplomatically explained that that particular book was not currently in their curriculum. I mean, hey, it was Brooke Astor. She could be as culturally insensitive as she wanted, hell, she could be in blackface, as long as she kept the checkbook open.

The story is indicative of Peterson's alternating fascination and revulsion with the whole business of charity.

The first section features all the big names at all the big events. There are debutante balls, masquarade balls, museum benefits. . . There’s Brooke! There’s Blaine! There’s Katie Couric! Hey, is that Nina Griscom or Muffie Potter Aston? See, here’s the thing – you don’t know. There are no captions, no boldface names, no context to cloud your interpretation. Just the people and the party and the camera.

Pictures are shot through masks, under tables, looking up, looking down, possibly out of focus – the camera moves as we do, clicking randomly on the things we see out of the corner of our eye. Are those really leopard loafers on that man’s feet? Did I just see a taxidermied fox as a centerpiece?

The lighting is almost always brutally overhead. Or worse, on the ground shining upward, giving the pictures a lurid, sideshow quality. Petersen uses this to great advantage, gleefully capturing every wobbly jowl, every broken blood vessel, every crag and crevice on his subjects' debauched and decaying faces

Nothing’s posed. Party-goers are caught off-guard. Unaware. They are lunging, reaching, straining, shrieking, gulping, wheezing, toasting.

A man – possibly famous – stares stupidly at the camera, mouth open like trout, créme fraiche dribbling down his cheek. Frozen in gluttony.

A woman greedily shoves an enormous strawberry in her mouth. It’s decadent and desperate and uncouth.

These people are not elegant. They are loud and coarse and vulgar. The parties are needlessly ostentatious. A circus theme for lung cancer? Gambling for AIDS? It’s grotesque. As Philip Weiss states in the intro: “There’s something a little unsettling about all this pomp and circumstance. . . One doesn’t have to be a card-carrying socialist to wonder whether there may be a more efficient way to redistribute all this wealth.”

After spending an hour with this book I’m a little outraged. Me. James St. James. I find these people too superficial. And the world slides off its axis. Day is night, black is white. I don’t know myself anymore.

– James St. James

Subservient Owl

When guys get together for lunch at Hooters on a friend's birthday, someone's going to be captured on cell-phone video holding a take-out container in each hand and gripping a plastic cup in his teeth. Flap flap I'm an owl. Never fails. Such was the case when WOW colleagues Ben Le Vine, Skylar Smith, Jason Bryan, and Craig Browner, took turning-27 Tom Wolf to Hooters on Hollywood Boulevard today. (A Younger Tom)

The Basement Tapes

Hey, how do you like it? Porn star turned disco diva, Andrea True, talks about doing porn for the rebellion rather than the money in the WOW - Imagine Films documentary Inside Deep Throat, hitting theaters early next year. Her 1975 dance hit, "More, More, More," popped up as #45 in VH1's 100 Greatest Dance Songs. The listomania show, hosted by Paula Abdul, was produced by World of Wonder back in 2000. (Watch the clip)

Peter and De Werf

Dirk Hendrickx, a researcher here at WOW, tells us of a reality show he worked on in Belgium, called De Werf, which means construction site

De Werf has been on television in France, Russia, UK, Denmark, and Australia. The shows all have different names, but the format is the same: 12 couples build a house and every week one couple gets voted off by the other couples. At the end, two couples remain, and viewers vote for who they want to win the house, valued at 500,000 euros.

Currently on the Belgian show it's down to two remaining couples. One couple is a stereotypical family (Peter and Lila, with cute 19-month-old twins). The other is a lesbian couple (Nele and Fanny). Het Vlaams Belang (The Flemish Interest), an extreme right-wing party in Belgium, has been asking viewers through the internet not to vote for the lesbians and to vote for family norms and values. Suddenly, Peter is rather open on the fact that his father is a member of Het Vlaams Belang. He also says he would be happy to get votes from party members and is even willing to thank them by becoming a member himself. The girls, meanwhile, are trying to get extra votes by playing the gay card. How is Belgium gonna vote? Will it be Bush or Kerry, er, Peter and Lila or Nele and Fanny? The final episode is Thursday.

The winner on the French version was – yikes! – an interracial gay couple.

– Dirk Hendrickx

The Continuing Story

Here's an October 14 article from Jacksonville.com on the CHEERS study of infants inhaling pesticides. And, please, no more emails on the topic.

Duval County families with an infant less than 3 months old or a baby between the ages of 9 and 12 months are asked to volunteer for the study. All participating families must spray or have pesticides sprayed inside their home on a routine basis. Children's urine, food and clothing samples will be sent to the CDC for testing, Hilliard said. Jacksonville was chosen because of the community's year-round use of pesticides and previous studies showing higher pesticide concentrations in the area, Hilliard said.

Whither Pee?

Have Christian morals and Evangelical ethics trickled down and formed rivulets of absurdity into New York's hedonistic nightclubs? Are drag queens and transsexuals being prevented from using ladies rooms, a long-held Gotham tradition? Iconic trannie Amanda Lepore and her gender-illusion friends were ordered out of the ladies loo at Hammerstein Ballroom on Saturday night, says today's Page Six. Never mind that it was a reunion of regulars of the legendary Palladium. Veteran clubbers Cody Ravioli and Kenny Kenny were among Mandy's banished cohorts, though the ladylike luminaries had no problem sitting down to pee back in the tumultuous 1980s and '90s. "All the Guido girls in the bathroom were defending us," said drag queen Scooby. "They were like, 'That's fucked up!' I've never been kicked out of a woman's bathroom before. I looked better than most of the girls there." Then, apparently due to the girls' fetching attire, they were also refused admittance into the men's room.

"We walked back to the women's room and the security guard said, 'Don't even think about going in,' " Scooby relates. "They weren't just harassing drag queens — some of us have had sex changes and are technically women." Then, Scooby says, when he and his glamorous gaggle went onstage after singer Crystal Waters performed, they were promptly booted off by security. "We thought someone else was playing after her, but they just wanted us off stage," he says.

You Think?

Someone named Trish has alerted us to a different spin on that pesticide test the EPA will be conducting on newborns, the one we mentioned yesterday. Seems the EPA is rankled that anyone would think they'd purposely put low-rent children in harm's way. The other side is presented here at snopes.com, but we're still skeptical.

Dolphins Kick Ass

England. Still boring.

But New Zealand, now that’s a happening place. Especially if you’re a dolphin.

BBC News is reporting that a group of swimmers – human ones – were being menaced by a three-metre great white shark (that’s, like, the size of an SUV) in deep water way off shore. But just as the swimmers came to terms with the idea that their number was up, Jaws-style, the cavalry arrived: A pod of dolphins appeared from nowhere, herded the people together, and circled them until the shark retreated. Then everyone made it safely to shore. Seems this is not uncommon, that dolphins have a propensity towards "helping the helpless."

Attention dolphins everywhere: WOW London salutes you!

-- Barry Shaverin

Accidents Will Happen

Leonardo DiCaprio has told the BBC News that he's afraid photographers eventually will cause the death of him or some other celebrity. "I hate a lot of them," he said of the "stalkerazzi" who follow in cars and leap out of nowhere to "shoot" stars, "but I have to find a way to deal with it until there's a law. I hope there is, for my sake and the sake of many others because there may be an accident someday and we may lose somebody." Leo's publicist, Ken Sunshine, supported his client, saying that the situation is out of control. "The situation with these stalkerazzis in Los Angeles is totally out of control, and we all fear there will be another Princess Diana accident," he said, probably, like Leo, putting air quotes around "accident."

TLC at the EPA

Here's some alarming news gleaned from the Gossiplist Newsletter. Seems our very own Environmental Protection Agency is soon to start a study called Children's Environmental Exposure Research Study, or CHEERS, in which low-income families will offer up their children as guinea pigs for a two-year test to see how pesticides and toxic chemicals can be ingested, inhaled, or absorbed by kids, from babies to three-year-olds. So, Mister, will you let us take the infants' stem cells after we've poisoned them?

Sorry I Haven't Written

Just when we were beginning to feel really terrible for losing touch with Dean Johnson, our old friend in New York, he sends this email today. Turns out it was his fault we hadn't corresponded for a long time, not ours.

Sorry I haven't written. For a while, I couldn't, as a pinched nerve in the cervical spine was causing such excruciating pain in my left side I spent the summer eating pain killers and watching my hand curl up into a claw as the nerve damage progressed. Eventually I ended up in St. Vincent's for a month where they operated on the spine and put a metal plate in my neck relieving the pressure on the nerve. I'm home now but my cats weren't getting the attention they needed while i was gone and my poor old cat Luther died this morning. I put him in a DKNY (deadkittynewyork) bag and sent him off for cremation. And my mom isn't responding well to her chemo so it's been stressful. I'm a terrible pen pal. I'll be on the cover of HX nov 26th. I talked about the old days for the first time and it was kinda fun. I believe your name may have come up. big kiss.

A Program Note

The WOW Report would like to take this moment to remind any man reading this that, unless you are in fact a female impersonator with a hit Broadway show or a transvestite who earns a living hooking, there is no good reason for you to wax, pluck, tweeze, shave, electrolysize, or otherwise alter the appearance of your eyebrows. So please stop it.

Recently Dead

Fred Hale, the oldest man in the world, died in his sleep on Friday at a home in Syracuse, New York. Two weeks later and he would have been 114. Born in Maine in 1890, the year the Sioux were massacred at Wounded Knee, Hale was a teenager before he saw a car. (When he turned 104, he became the oldest registered driver.) He already had two children at the outbreak of WWI. He retired from his job as a railroad postal carrier 51 years ago. His son, Fred Jr, is 82. His youngest grandchild is 51. He has 11 great-great-grandchildren. He was still shoveling snow off his roof at 103. He might be the only person to have seen the Boston Red Sox win both their 1918 and 2004 pennants. A huge fan of the Sox, Hale probably thought, "Now that I've seen that, I can die happy." We're just saying. (signonsandiego / latimes, sub. req.)

(Photo: Li-Hua Lan. Father and son watch the Sox)

Doris Day's son, Terry Melcher, died of cancer on Friday at home in Beverly Hills. He was 62. Melcher was in part responsible for the mellow California folk-rock and surf music of the '60s. He produced the Byrds' now-classic versions of Bob Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man" and Pete Seeger's "Turn, Turn, Turn," as well as later albums of theirs. He also cowrote songs with the Beach Boys and produced such acts as Bobby Darin and the Mama and the Papas. He played piano, sang backup, composed music and lyrics, produced records and shows, including the Monterey Pop Festival, and wrote the title song for his mother's film, Move Over, Darling. It was believed that Melcher was the intended victim of the Sharon Tate slayings in 1969, having refused to produce cult leader Charles Manson's music. Manson was supposed to have sought revenge by sending his "family" to the Benedict Canyon house that Melcher and his then-girlfriend, Candice Bergen, had once rented. But after Manson was arrested, investigators determined that he was aware that Melcher had moved to Malibu. (latimes, sub. req.)

What We Noticed About It

The other night we were watching the Amanda Bynes sitcom What I Like About You (don't ask, we were sick, it was comforting, we were waiting for Grounded for Life) and we spotted a box of Tide on a counter behind one of the characters, then a Folgers coffee container in the next scene. Both objects were predominantly red, so they popped. And we wondered if they were signs of the new movement toward digitally created product placement that will be added soon to syndie classics. Has anybody noticed this? Can you let us know? Oh, and the stoopitt show was a to-be-continued and we're hooked. Crap.

Saint's Alive!

How he may have looked

WOW London trawled the British press this morning for UK-centric stories to surprise, amaze, or disgust our American readers. But to be frank, there wasn’t a lot to report. The UK is officially boring today.

But strange things are afoot in India.

Ananova is reporting that Hindus Riot After Saint Fails to Die . I figured it was a play on words or something. But no – that’s exactly what happened. "Followers of a Hindu saint rioted in eastern India after he failed to die at the anointed time," the story begins. Apparently, more than 15,000 people turned up at the Sriguru Ashram at Kharagaon in Orissa to see the priest ascend to heaven between 6AM and noon, following his declaration a few days earlier that he would attain ichha mrityu, or death by his own will. When no ascending occurred, the crowd hurled abuse and turned violent.

The saint told local reporters: "Perhaps the will of God was somewhat different. I am very shocked to have given you so much pain. I wanted to leave my mortal body, but I could not. Please forgive me."

It has to be said, it does sound like something you’d go to see. WOW London is trying to imagine the moment when he opened his eyes and had to convey his excuses to the crowd.

-- Barry Shaverin

Sitings

• How to reply to your insensitive boss' email.
• A lovely series of photos, with a punchline. (t/y Eduardo)
• Team 9 – Emotional Treason (Kasabian vs Whitney Houston) (courtesy Stereogum)

Dress-up With Dick and Jane

Used to be that, once a year, on TWIRP Day, little kids in a Spurger, Texas, school dressed up as the opposite sex, reports Yahoo News. The idea behind it was that the children could explore social roles. TWIRP is the acronym for The Woman Is Requested to Pay, a concept similar to Sadie Hawkins Day in other schools. But Delana Davies, who has two children in the school, complained that the cross-dressing would promote homosexuality and asked Liberty Legal, a right-wing Christian law group, to stop it.

"It might be fun today to dress up like a little girl -- kids think it's cute and things like that. And you start playing around with it and, like drugs, you do a little here and there (and) eventually it gets you," Davies told reporters.

Perhaps she speaks from experience? A litigator for Liberty Legal obtained permission for Davies to keep her children out of school that day, and TWIRP Day has now been changed to Camouflage Day, in which children put on clothes that hunters wear during deer-hunting season. Camouflage Day is very popular in Spurger, though the school's attorney says some of the kids still honor the tradition of wearing clothes of the opposite sex. "I understand from the superintendent that some of the boys dressed in pink shorts anyway," he said.

Alexander the Grating

The History Channel's Alexander the Great special brought in 3.1 million viewers and gave the network its best rating all year. This audience may also trounce the opening weekend for the Oliver Stone movie event. Alexander looks like a cross between a hustler and a club kid in a golden frau-wig that would make the Gorgon blanch. In this garb his sensitive pouting reads more like the simpering of a simpleton. No wonder, since Colin (b. 1976) plays the son of Angelina Jolie (b. 1975), who chews up the scenery more than the elephants. And for a father he has to outshine Val Kilmer who has only one eye but so extravagantly overcompensates that his assassination comes as a mercy killing. Then there's the gay thing, which isn't going to play well in Jesusland (or Greece). Actually, it's not going to play well anywhere; the flip-flop vibe of flaunting it one moment, turning coy the next is positively dizzy-making. At the Hollywood screening I attended no one walked out or made any kind of sound at all, presumably because they had all been cryogenically frozen into their seats by sheer boredom.

– Fenton Bailey

Lip Service

"Let the liner seductively slide out of its pink cigar tube," says Dianne Brill of her Lip Liner Duo from her Lip Lingerie collection ("a negligee of color for your lips"). "Dip the contoured brush side into your favorite Lip Lingerie Lip Gloss. With the liner side, pucker up and line. Apply in public. Make it a performance to remember!" Oh, Dianne! Why, it's just like being back at Danceteria with the It Girl herself.

The copy accompanying Brill's cosmetics on abeautifullife.net says "the playful, sophisticated packaging, and humectant and anti-oxidant rich formulations are perfect for anytime, anywhere!" We're not anti-oxident but we are pro Dianne's cunningly named lip colors: French Cut Panties, 36-24-36, Lace Up Bustier, Satin Sash, Velvet Corset. Who even cares what colors they turn out to be!

Sleight of Hand

(courtesy b3ta)

Ask a Black Girl

She'll Hook You Up

Dear Black Girl,
Where have you been? I am curious to know what you think of the recent embarrassment to the black community at the vibe awards? Why do black people always have to ruin events by fighting?
– Staying Out of the Hood

dear stayin,
serious? don't be worryin wherr i'm at. all up in mines. i was at the awards and it was bananas when that fight broke out. yall be the ones ruinin shit by callin the police and tellin like a beeitch. see we handles our bidness right then and therr. you step on a brothas ones, you gettin clocked. you spill a drink on a breezy wit her dude, you gettin clocked. man look that squab at the awards was nothin but some hood rich papis showin respect to they peoples. plus my baby daddy young buck got his pub on. i wanna ride wit you! we can get low!

Dear Black Girl,
Why is it that legally successful black men tend to go the other way when they make it and get with white girls? I am a good looking, successful sister who would one day like to marry my counterpart?Help.
– Black Man Loving Sister

sista girl,
u is trippin. take the stick out ya ass and let's talk. the 3 reasons brothas go to becky. #1 becky is slutty. she be taking it in all her holes. #2 becky is dumb as hell. who else gon' believe that bullshit when that man say "it wasn't me?" somebody gettin cut. #3 pullin up wit becky
in front of a crowd of white people is like pullin up to da spot with 24's shinin and da 15's humpin. it's all about the floss. that's what we do. for now throw that thang and get his money and hers until he come on home.
chuurch.

One Man's Meat

The Parents Television Council, which was one of the organizations instrumental in getting ABC and Terrell Owens to apologize for that tepid locker room skit with Owens and Nicolette Sheridan before the Monday Night Football game, is now going after basic cable, according to its website. Tim Winter, executive director of the PTC, called the ABC skit "grossly irresponsible" and "yet another symptom of television network arrogance, piping sexual content into America's living rooms at a time when millions of children are watching." PTC president Brent Bozell took a look at MTV, Spike, Comedy Central, TBS, E!, FX, and ESPN and saw Satan in the form of explicit dialogue, strippers, nudity, threesomes, masturbation, anal sex, oral sex, statutory rape, sadomasochism, bestiality, incest, and sodomy. “It is unconscionable for the cable industry to force families to subsidize this kind of filth in order to access the wholesome, educational and family-friendly programming available on a handful of basic cable channels,” Bozell said. So, soon TV will be all PAX all the time.

Hero in Distress

Popbitch reports that the Shanghai Noon star is chasing the dragon – or was.

Everyone's favourite laconic funnyman Owen Wilson recently made a stop off at a "celebrity relaxation centre" to help curb his "partying." However, the story coming out of Wilson's hometown in Texas suggests it may have had more to do with his affinity for horses. And not the kind of horse Texans are famously associated with.

Sitings

• Cooking with Cum. Not what you think.
• Cheesy sequel: Two Virgins on eBay. (t/y Richard Joly)
• OMG, dachshund puppy heads.
• You can't refuse the horsehead pillow. (courtesy Popbitch)

Celebrities at Large

Yesterday I was at the Laurel Canyon dog park. There was a lil brown doggie that was actively trying to get with a white dog. The brown perv happened to belong to Ryan Starr of American Idol and The Surreal Life. The camera must ad 10 lbs, cuz she was super thin – fabulous. Very tan and wearing a pair of Jackie-O, don't-recognize-me glasses. She was very friendly tho. :) Well, she asked if it was bothering anyone, and the guy who owned the white dog said "He's trying to fuck my dog." It turned out they were both male. She said, "Oh well," then said her dog was gay, then was like "Oh well," kept on talking, and then walked away. And actually the dog was her friend's dog now that I think about it.

Joe Liotta