Spin Art

This site was forwarded to me today from comedian Emo Philips. It's pretty hilarious. Look at it, then chase it with this.

Kids Send in the Darnedest Things

More jokes and riddles from "The Kids' Reading Room" section of the LA Times.

What is faster--heat or cold? Heat, because you can catch cold. (Albert, 11)

What did the pig say when he burned his skin? I need some oinkment. (Alissa, 10)

How do you let the cat out of the bag? You open it. (Nicole, age unknown)

What vampire whines a lot? Pout Dracula. (Esther, 9)

From Blahnik to Blah

Sarah Jessica Parker, the impossible-to-believe character Carrie Bradshaw on the recently dead Sex and the City, has agreed to become the face of Gap, beginning in August. So says an AP story making the rounds. That agreement (more like a pact with the devil, really) will have Mrs. Broderick wearing the chain's uniform-like khakis, jeans, and T-shirts for all the world to see. "Gap has always been about individual style, and no one represents this philosophy better than Sarah Jessica Parker," said Gap president Gary Muto, apparently without irony. "She looks as amazing in jeans as she does in couture."

If hiring Parker and dressing her down for Gap seems demented, well, it's no more demented than Patricia Field, the fashion director who put Parker in those "couture" concoctions on Sex, now outfitting the suburban cast of the grating Hope & Faith.

Weekend Watch

This morning, insane comic Bobcat Goldthwait was in the KROQ studio chatting with Kevin and Bean. The conversation turned to the subject of the FCC's strict obscenity guidelines imposed on radio and television since Janet Jackson exposed her breast at the Super Bowl. Bobcat said the concern at the time had been what parents would tell their young children who had witnessed the event. "What they should say," Bobcat said, "is 'See that girl with the boob? Don't go anywhere alone with her brother.'"

Bobcat is performing this weekend at the Irvine Improv (71 Fortune Drive, 949 854-5455). Shows are at 8:30 and 10:30 PM on Friday; 7, 9, and 11 PM on Saturday; and 7 PM Sunday. The Shakes the Clown comedian says that each of his shows is completely different "because of my Alzheimer's."

The FCC had very little control over the making of WOW's documentary on Los Angeles's male hustlers, 101 Rent Boys, which airs Memorial Day at 11PM on Trio. Of course, the doc is extremely edumacational in a sociological sort of way, but there is some prurient interest. Word is that it was one of the tapes impounded when Pee-wee Herman's house was raided.

Looking Good, Feeling Gorgeous

Whither RuPaul? He's back. . . and so is she. This summer, Ru finally has new product in RuPaul Red-Hot, an album that he herself admits is "sizzling" with dance hits and a slew of tracks both pithy and prancy "that are guaranteed to set the dancefloor ablaze." On his website, the former supermodel of the world goes on to say that "I felt compelled to make this CD because of what’s happening socially and politically in the world right now. My presence has been missing from the cultural landscape for too long, and I’m ready to shake things up a bit. My first order of business is to release an album that heralds the power of truth, beauty, freedom and love. If you can dance, you can start a revolution." In other words, Everybody say love.

Said Randy Barbato earlier today: "He is stepping back into the limelight and, frankly, it's about time! In these dark times, America needs RuPaul out there kickin' butt! Fenton and I feel that every minute that RuPaul hasn't been on TV or on stage or prancing up and down the steps of the White House has been a minute lost for all." We agree. And meanwhile, rhetorically, how glamorous is Ru in this preview of the CD's cover art? Ru says the cover is a tribute to two of his favorite LP covers of all time, but he's not revealing which ones.

Madge-ical Mystery Tour

Madonna's second night of Re-invention in Los Angeles was cancelled due to a queasy feeling. Hers, not the fans'. Fenton Bailey attended the next night and he takes over the reins here with his take on the show.

Madge took to the stage for the second time on her world tour after cancelling her previous show looking peeky. "I'm not a quitter but I couldn't get out of bed," she admitted in a rare moment of unscripted vulnerability in what was otherwise a staged spectacle of awesome sophistication.

She gave good open: spoken word apocalyptic poem led into a yoga version of "Vogue" with video backplates packed with truly disturbing imagery. At times she looked like a larva squirming. At others like a beautiful doomed butterfly in wings of finery, twitching in costumes made out of chitin. OK, so this was the Re-invention tour, right? Madge as pupa being reborn. The bug we have known and loved is ready, like the Heaven's Gate cult getting ready to board the Hale-Bopp comet, to graduate to a higher plane.

It wasn't just that the show was slightly incomprehensible; we know the kabbalah is not for sloganeers who like their messages to fit on the front of a T-shirt. It was the dark as nine-inch-nails imagery that had me twitched. For "Frozen," x-rays flickered like lightning. Fetuses, hyenas, and bio-hazard imagery--drips and blood centrifuges--abounded throughout.

Apparently, the working title for the show had been Whore of Babylon. Could Madge herself be the beast she talked about in her cold open, "with ten horns and seven heads. . . and a blasphemous name on its head"? She called herself Madonna, for Chrissake. Not every pop star names themselves after the mother of Christ (to presumably palpable papal relief). "And the whole earth followed the beast with wonder." Is that us, the devoted fools of this antichrist superstar? Spooky!

Can There Be Too Much Pixie Dust?

Isn't Peter Pan supposed to be a lovable, ageless scamp? Then why am I so very afraid of him after visiting his blog? Sure, you'll say he's not really Peter Pan--and then you see him fly.

I also started this site so that Tinkerbell would have an easier time finding me!  So first of all I should say that I'm 50, and I live in Tampa Florida. As you can see from my photo, I'm making considerable effort and (hopefully!) having some success at staying young... maybe even childlike. But "why Peter Pan" you ask? Although Peter Pan is definitely a boy, to me this character is perfectly asexual, and in his eternal childhood rejects the idea of growing up and leaving this behind.

Willkommen, Please Hold

Soon, when anyone calls World of Wonder, they'll hear these guys when they're put on hold. (It used to be William Hung until the staff revolted.) They're Das Palastorchester und Max Raabe, an orchestra from Berlin that gives a Kurt Weill cabaret spin to modern classics like Britney Spears's "Oops" and Queen's "We Will Rock You." Fenton Bailey came back from Europe with two words and an exclamation point: "They're fab!"

Aight?

To those of you who have written to ask how you can purchase David LaChapelle's Sundance-approved Krumped film, you can't. Yet. LaChapelle is expanding his 24-minute documentary to feature length. After that, blah blah, festival circuit, blah blah, release, blah blah, video and DVD. Then you can.

Ironic Website Game

The only element missing from this clever nighttime game is "guy holding hipster bingo card."

Rekindling?

Hmm. If Madonna has dropped longtime best friend Debi Mazar because she wasn't all that interested in kabbalah, then why was Mazar hanging with the likes of David Spade, Barry Diller, and a gaggle of rabbis backstage on opening night of Madge's Reinvention tour? The NY Daily News's Rush & Molloy say Christina Aguilera was there too, sporting a see-through "Deep Throat" T-shirt. Is Aguilera getting in on the early buzz for the Imagine Films-World of Wonder documentary Inside Deep Throat?

To Your Death!

Algonquin round table regular Dorothy Parker was an infamous suicide attempter. She tried her hand at wrist-slitting, drinking shoe polish, overdosing on Veronal, and taking sleeping powder. Ironically, she wrote "Résumé," the ultimate anti-suicide poem.

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

But no mention of soda. Drinking cola can bring on death in an effervescent and refreshing way--if you have the time. Thanks to the helpful punkasspunk.com, you can calculate just how many cans or bottles of the stuff it will take to do the job. We're not recommending, we're just saying. Death is the original black.

A Wank at Work and Ironing Broads

After examining trends in Internet and business traffic, a company in Denmark decided to offer its employees free subscriptions to Internet porn, reports aftenposten.no. The company's director, Levi Nielsen, likens the service to such other business perks as a company car. Nielsen hopes that the expense of about $5 per head per week will make his staff more relaxed and more efficient on the job. How do you say "sexual harassment" in Danish?

Meanwhile, in England, stay-at-home spouses are actually looking forward to some of the household chores. Or perhaps just one.

Flops Flip-Flop to Hip Net

Flops. There's something fascinating about them. And a lot to be learned from them. Flops 101: Lessons from the Biz, a cautionary tale narrated, or rather taught by Illeana Douglas and produced by World of Wonder, is the flagship doc that kicks off the month of June on Trio, the pop culture channel. Flops 101 is a course that traces the course of such costly disasters as Ishtar, Central Park West, and Broadway's The Capeman. Typically, a network is loath to air its failures, but Trio airs the flops of others proudly. "We're doing a week of Madonna films," says a droll Andrew Cohen, Trio's VP of original programming. "We're airing Cop Rock and we're airing Pink Lady and Jeff," he says. "That crazy variety show was going to be a huge show for NBC--until it bombed. It starred a comedian named Jeff Altman and an Asian singing duo called Pink Lady. Every episode ended with Pink Lady and Jeff and all their guest stars, like Larry Hagman and Sherman Hemsley and Teddy Pendergrass, in a Jacuzzi. It was the ‘70s."

Also airing during Trio's Flops Month are Heaven's Gate and a Trio original doc about the film, called Final Cut. There will also be chances to see Waterworld and Howard the Duck. Plus documentaries on New Coke and the Delorean. "And we're giving away a Delorean, as a matter of fact," says Cohen. Probably easier to find than a can of New Coke.

In July, the pop culture channel is letting Public Enemy's Chuck D loose to program what he likes for 10 days around the Fourth of July holiday. It's a creative freedom that was also given to Quentin Tarantino and Joel Stein. "And we’re airing a Trio original documentary called The N Word," says Cohen. It features Chris Rock, Bryant Gumble, Samuel L. Jackson, and Whoopie Goldberg talking about their experiences with the word--whether it should ever be spoken, its use in pop culture, about white people using it."

Recently Dead

Joseph J. Zimmermann can't come to the phone right now. He died a few months ago in Brookfield, Wisconsin. Cause of death was not announced, but he was 92, so that's cause enough. In 1948, while Zimmermann was running his heating and air-conditioning company, his lack of a secretary inspired him to invent the very first telephone answering machine. He called it the Electronic Secretary Model R1. It weighed 80 pounds and, according to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel via the LA Times, it "responded to the phone's ring by lifting the receiver from its cradle, playing a 78-rpm record with a message, then tripping a wire recorder to record the caller's response." Zimmerman began manufactuing the device with a partner and in 1957, when their Electronic Secretary Industries had sold more that 6,000 machines, General Telephone bought the company.

Have a Coke and a Heil

Those of you in London, or those of you en route to London, you have four days left to see Mark Thomas's show at the Nancy Victor Gallery, at 36 Charlotte Street. The show, called The Coca Cola Nazi Advert Challenge, concerns the soft drink company's collusion with Hitler during that messy regime in Germany. Fanta, apparently, was created to slake der Fuhrer's thirst for a carbonated orange trink. Says Thomas of the exhibit:

Nothing looks as innocent as a bottle of Coke, yet the company has a history of collaborating with the Nazi's. Coca Cola GmbH (Coke Germany) advertised in the Nazi press, financially assisting the regime. It therefore seemed fitting that this relatively unknown part of the company's history should receive some attention. Mark Thomas and Tracey Sanders Wood have assembled art works on the theme of Coca Cola in Nazi Germany. They have been created and submitted in the guise of a competition. As the Nazis and the company are two of the most striking icons of the last century it seemed fitting that they should appear together.

Tour de Forces

Randy Barbato and some of the crew at WOW went to The Forum in Los Angeles last night for Madonna's Reinvention tour. Madonna's on tour? Hm. Barbato reports:

Last night I went to see Madonna. The concert kicked off with a bang. Incredibly stunning video imagery (she's always best on video) set to her performing "The Beast Within" from offstage. Her voice sounded great (it's a spoken track).

Then she appeared, rising from below. She kicked into "Vogue," which had me thinking, Wow, I'm gonna like this. Even if most of the choreography favored yoga vogue over drag-queen vogue, I could cope. If she wants to stand on her head and shout VOGUE, that's cool by me. In fact, for the first four tracks I was pretty captivated, but then out came the military fatigues, the war footage splattered on video monitors, bombs bursting, a few limbs, all accompanying "American Life."

Meat Her? I'd Love To

OK, I was just getting used to seeing all those balloon hats being worn on Hollywood Boulevard. But I don't think I'll ever accept these. Of course, I said that about the computer.

Salon Bombay!

First, orthodox Jewish women who wear wigs to cover their own hair were told not to use wigs made of European hair because they appear too glamorous. Now the women are forbidden to wear any human hair at all, fearing it may come from Hindu heads. A story in the Guardian says that in future only synthetic wigs will be acceptable. Rabbis say it would take just one Indian hair to contaminate a whole wig. Wig makers are panicking. "We have 400 Indian sheitels which we cannot sell," bemoans one.

Harlequeen Romance

Scott Whittier and Scott Pomfret met and fell in love and now they, like most couples, need something to read. Something as romantic as "that hallowed night" they met. Something, say, in a romance novel for gay men.

Nineteen percent of all non-educational books sold last year were romance novels. General fiction came in second at 14.6 percent, while every other category was below 10 percent. So there you are. But while women enjoy looking at and fantasizing about Harlequin coverboy Fabio, most gay men have actually had him (or, rather, his ilk) and are looking for gay fiction that's not porno or featuring dead-in-the-last-chapter protagonists. There's a whole group of fags who just want to swoon, to be swept up in the dizzying seduction of it all. You know, to be held in fiction's grip like little girls. And that's where Scott and Scott come in. There was no romance fiction for men until they came along.

They studied the romance format, plowed through stacks of novels, and decided they could do this kind of writing if they were disciplined, reports the Boston Globe. "The whole line has the same point," says Pomfret: "romance and true love. We want a consistent product. The story has to end in a certain way. You can't kill off your main character . . ." So far, they have collaborated on four novels, three of which (Razor Burn, Spare Parts, and Nick of Time) are available through their website romentics.com. Take a look. It's safe for work.

Meter? I'd Love To

Todd Radnitz, supervising producer of Showbiz Moms & Dads tells me the message boards are alive now with haikus devoted to the series' families. Haikus? Good God, what next? Showbiz Moms: The Opera?

Big hair, pretty feet
Make-up gun setting on "whore"
No crown means no love.

Memorize lines, starve
Hollywood, you puzzle me
Where's the Taco Bell?

Pixie Sticks so sweet
Sugary Red Number Three
Work your magic. Win.

Exuberant beast
Such pretty and sad children
Vermont weeps for you

Pa Nutter seems gay.
Look out, Cindy, the wet spot!
Oh, oh - number 8!

Ever a Dull Moment

Ouch. You know things must be blah on both coasts when New York bon vivant Michael Musto opens his latest column in the Village Voice on a depressing note.

Why the preeminence of clichéd, boring clubs, whine-whine-whine? Well, to answer my own query, bottle service may effectively cater to rich people's wallets, but it certainly doesn't tap into any form of intoxicating creative expression (especially since it's usually Mommy and Daddy's money that's being siphoned). Add to that the city's relentless surveillance, which means that though you can buy $200 decanters of vodka, you can't do two-bit tina unless you want to spend your formative years as MARTHA STEWART's bitch. Plus, for the last six years, people who would have been labeled lazy-assed couch potatoes started being deemed ultra-cool simply because they were sitting at home watching the "edgy" premium channels (or playing around online, where muss-free intimacy is just fingertips away). The result is that a recent three-hour open-bar party at a big dance club barely drew flies, and though there was a drag queen, she was the saddest one in town, in a beret and a long face and with no discernible personality whatsoever. (This could be a reversal of the usual syndrome. Maybe as a man, she's wild and utterly hilarious.)

Manila Ice

On June 9, Imelda opens in selected theaters. The New York Times synopsizes it thusly: "a documentary about Imelda Marcos, former beauty queen, enthusiastic consumer and first lady of the Philippines. The film focuses on her marriage to Ferdinand Marcos (the two of them were in power from 1966 to 1986), their human rights record, her love for the grand life and, of course, her 3,000 pairs of shoes. Ramona S. Diaz directed."

Now, Fenton Bailey, one of two fearless, um, leaders here at WOW, has been nudging me for weeks about Imelda Marcos for this reason or that reason. Why? I don't know, but I think he has a thing for dictators (see The Hidden Fuhrer). Or pumps. I'm just saying. Anyway, this is Bailey's latest missive on the dictator's wife.

At last! The shoe lady and former dictatortrix of the Philippines returns triumphant in a remarkably restrained non-camp fest.

It's a crime no one wants to make a series about the taste of the world's great dictators, since with the current obsession with all things bling bling, they live the largest, and commit the most heinous crimes against good taste. Any totalitarian worth his salt must have an 'edifice complex' aka love of building fab palaces for the edification of the poor--at their expense of course. Imelda was no exception, building a spanking museum cum palace to her royal Evitaness smack in the middle of the ghetto. The shirtless ones lap it up!

And the widow of the Shah of Iran had something profound to say in the Sunday New York Times magazine recently: "People say money doesn't bring you happiness. But it makes it easy to live with misery in comfort." So true.

Cat Ketchup Tomato

This one is just fun. Figure it out yourself and don't expect too much of it. You can't say Fantastic without Fanta.

At this point I should send a shout-out to Ed Magaña for drawing my attention to some of the more unusual sites I've posted. And shout-outs also to Todd Radnitz and Chris McKim, for their surfing safaris on this blog's behalf.

My Sushi Tastes Brunette

Hmm, it seems that at a plant somewhere in China they've been making soy sauce out of human hair. I know. But it's right here in interfax.com.

Human hair is rich in protein content, just like soybean, wheat and bran, the conventional and legally accepted raw ingredients for the production of soy sauce.

Puffy Le Pew

Response has been modest. I mean it's not as if there were a contest or something to name P Diddy's as-yet-unnamed Sean John fragrance. These just in.

P-U
Piddle
P Sniffy
Puff Smelly
P Estee de Resistance
P Funk
Strange (pronounced Stron-jay)
Bro (after J. Lo's Glow)
Da Bland Pour Homme (in the 40-oz. size)
Puffume
PST
Here, Smell This
Combs des Garcon
Pimp
Phunk
Stank

The Gospel According to St. James

James St. James goes to Cincinnati, in his own words. Come, let's listen.

I went to Cincinnati over the weekend with Doron from casting (3rd floor, loud queen, you know him) to a party celebrating ME. It was all about ME for a change. ME ME ME. Finally, some attention.

The party was called DISCO 3000—a startling hybrid of Disco 2000 and Andre 3000. Picture it: white boys dressed like Outkast and covered in blood. I don’t get it either. But they were all adorable. Each one cuter than the last. It’s been a while since I hung out with 21-year-old straight boys. I’d forgotten how old I really was. [Ed: 37]

This is what 21 year old straight boys in the Midwest like: KILL BILL: VOLUME 1, PARTY MONSTER, pussy, chronic, and DJ Skroddleplop. I might be wrong about that last one. I’m not up on my fat beats, yo.

First question 21-year-old boys ask when they meet you: “What do you listen to?” I usually just look at the floor and mumble “Clay Aiken” because I’m too embarrassed to admit “Justin Guarini”. And that’s usually the end of that line of questioning.

At Least He Won't Have to Change His Name

Lucky David Arquette and Courtney Cox. Not only are they expecting a baby soon, but now they can also welcome a brand-new, fully grown sister into the famous showbiz family--without messy adoption. David's brother, actor and nightclub provocateur Alexis Arquette, is planning to have a full-on sex change. (Actually, make that full-off.) Eva Destruction, as the 35-year-old cross-dressing beauty is known at times, would like to have sister Rosanna get the transition down on film. It will be his best movie role since Bride of Chucky. Most of us here in Los Angeles find the sex-change story old news, but it tickles us that it's made it to Rochester, NY.

Coffee, Tea, or Plug-in?

Seventy years ago, a passenger sent a radio telegram while flying from Berlin to Vienna. Last week, reports newscientist.com, passengers on a Lufthansa flight from Munich to Los Angeles were able to access the Internet, send and receive email with attachments, and read the latest postings on The WOW Report using their own Wi-Fi-enabled laptops and handheld computers. Lufthansa, which demonstrated the in-flight wireless Internet service free of charge on Frankfurt-to-Washington flights last year, now charges $10 for half an hour or $30 for the entire flight. The system is called FlyNet and is provided by a Boeing company called Connexion.

Since spring 2004 Lufthansa is the first airline to offer a broadband Internet service with its own free portal. It means you can now use your time on board to do all the things you didn't get done on the ground or didn't have the opportunity to do in the air.

Party Friendster

Here's an odd statistic. Party Monster, the movie that marked Macaulay Culkin's return to film after a long absence, is a Friendster favorite. "Party Monster is listing as the favorite film by loads of kids on Friendster," notes Brad Simpson, one of the film's producers who now runs Leo DiCaprio's production company. "I have counted 240 so far. I spent Friday evening with Ricky Vodka and he was nonstopping quoting lines from it."

What's That Smell?

Sean "P Diddy" Combs is collaborating with the Estee Lauder cosmetics company to create a line of fragrances as part of his Sean John fashion label. "People express themselves in many ways— through their music, through the way they dress, and also through the fragrance they choose," P said last week. "So deciding to make a fragrance was very natural for me.” If the fragrance is as natural as his decision to make one, perhaps he should name it "Stank." Or "P Scent."

The Neverending Story

If you miss Showbiz Moms & Dads now that it's (sob) over, perhaps Catherine Joanna Cooke can help. She's obsessed. On her lovely website, you can revisit the Bravo series at your leisure. A flurry of sites, old news stories, the woman's nothing if not thorough. It's like a seminar on the Klingensmiths, the Tyes, the Barrons. Wondering what's up with Duncan Nutter's acting career? It's here. All of it.

And this letter, rife with exclamation points and a fresh point of view, came in over the weekend:

I am a huge fan of Emily Tye!! I think she is a little cutie and is very talented!!!! I am working on a website about her too!!! I have watched the video of her on showbiz moms and dads and she is too aodrable!!
~Alesha~

Rabbit Test

The good news is that Vincent Gallo's yet-to-be-acclaimed film The Brown Bunny has been picked up in Cannes by Wellspring and will be released in New York and Los Angeles on August 27. The film, you'll remember, features a lengthy blowjob by the lovely costar of Party Monster, Chloë Sevigny, and was generally hated everywhere it screened. Which is actually all anybody who hasn't seen it knows about the film. The other good news is that Gallo spoke to indiWIRE about the film.

"I am not an artist," said Vincent Gallo during the conversation with indieWIRE. "I don't feel entitled to make people go through the most subtle, extreme interpretations of my work -- it's for a broader group of people," Gallo said. Continuing he added, "I am not a film-festival filmmaker and I don't relate to other filmmakers and I don't relate to cinema and certainly don't like the nature of a film festival, the pretension of a film festival -- I am not a filmmaker and I am making what I think is an entertaining movie."

How to Talk Like a Ho

Wanna know what they were saying when you overheard those kids in the food court at the Beverly Center? "That macaroni and cheese was bootleg!" "You being bunk, braw. Get outta my grill!" "I've got mad grip from slangin' all that yayo." "Check out the fine onion on that betty."

At thesource4ym.com, there's a dictionary of teen lingo. But be warned that thesource is a Christian site. Stay focused only on the lingo list or you may end up in church. Church, incidentally, is "a phrase used as a generalized term of approval for something.  Derived from Snoop Dogg.  'Show up or ho' up.' 'Church.'" 

Somebody Get a Dr.

One of these girls is Mary-Kate Olsen and she was rear-ended by her bodyguard. Her car was, that is. She was driving on a Los Angeles freeway, minding her own business, when she had to slam on the brakes to avoid two blocked lanes of traffic ahead of her. I'm not altogether sure what that means, but the bodyguard, following closely behind, rammed into the back of her Range Rover when she stopped short. No one was hurt, but it took a tall glass of Dr. Pepper to calm down the shaken twin. Whew. As you know, the world's males want the girls to remain safe until they're 18.

Hollywood on the Thames

Steven, over at rubbishgays.blogspot in England, had never heard that The Wizard of Oz synchs up nicely with Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Unforgivable in a modern gay. Perhaps he's been in prison--for 20 years. And then he goes on to rant about the length of movie musicals. Except for The Music Man, I'm not much for the musical, but homosexuals really like them. Maybe you'll understand what Steven's freestylin' about:

However 'Oz' like most 'great' musicals it is far too long. Mary Poppins should end when they come back out of the pavement. Sound Of Music, needs reediting without the fuckin Baroness. With that back-combed bitch out of the way Maria's problem could be solved far earlier. Annie needs only be half hour long, it loses it when the turban man turns up. 'Ooh I'm a bit magic me 'cos I'm a mysterious person of colour with rolling eyes'. My Fair Lady, that needs a good portion chopping, mostly the bits with Wilfred Hyde-White and Hello Dolly?? Like 'Hello is this film STILL on?!.' We can never get past the bit in the dress shop, only seen the ''Hello Dolly' number' in Hooray-for-Hollywood clip type shows, like 'That's Wanking' with Fred Astaire or 'When The Lion Rims-The MGM Story', could be either.

Musical Chairs

Fenton Bailey's in London on business (or so he says). And has just seen the award-winning West End musical, Jerry Springer the Opera, which is heading for Broadway in 2005. "If you liked the 'Springtime for Hitler' production number from The Producers, then you will love this," says Bailey in an emailed mini review that assumes we can all afford to see Broadway shows even in their cut-rate LA mountings. "It's Rocky Horror meets South Park, the movie. Wicked, wicked camp."

Notably, the likes of Kelsey Grammer, Rufus Wainwright, and the Pet Shop Boys' Neil Tennant have been caught attending. "I saw Marcus Hu, grande fromage of Strand Releasing," says Bailey. "With his mother. The language is every bit as foul as on any Jerry episode [Ed: check out "Mama Gimmee Smack on the Asshole"] and it's not bleeped, so they left midway through the second act." But they didn't get away before Bailey had a chat with Hu about Strand releasing a DVD of WOW's gay-Hitler doc, The Hidden Fuhrer. Because if you liked "Springtime for Hitler," you're gonna love The Hidden Fuhrer.

American Idle

Here's a little number about the FCC that Eric Idle wrote the other day, he says, while out duck-hunting with a judge. (Not safe for work, by the way.)

Pickled

For those of you who were interested in this story, posted on April 30, and are still thinking about it, well, you need to see a therapist. But here's a followup, courtesy of sxxxy.org: the actual penis that once belonged to the Mad Monk.

At the end of 1916, a group of aristocrats decided that Rasputin’s influence had grown too great and that he had to be killed in order to save Russia. They lured him to the palace of one of the princes; fed him poisoned cakes and wine, shot him and then threw him into the frozen river.

Death Poll

An unofficial poll taken by Brit magazine Total Film puts Janet Leigh's death in the shower at the Bates Motel in Alfred Hitchcock's 1960 Psycho at the top of the 50 best movie deaths. Number two is Slim Pickens riding the bomb in Stanley Kubrick's 1964 Dr. Strangelove. Third is the big ape's fall from the Empire State Building in 1933's King Kong. Alan Rickman’s 30-story plunge in '88's Die Hard is fourth, followed by the fatal ambush in Bonnie and Clyde ('67). Other films on the list are The Godfather (22), The Wizard of Oz (13), Bambi (6), Star Wars (9), and the spectacular deaths (choose one) in Reservoir Dogs came in at a surprisingly low 23.

“It’s the sheer violence of the edit rather than any explicit gore [in Psycho]—70 different angles, over 90 cuts and those shrieking violins. It’s a master class in montage and audience manipulation," said Total Film deputy editor Simon Crook. “Knowing that the blood is Bosco’s chocolate syrup and that a pulped casaba melon stood in for the stabbing noises does nothing to reduce the impact.”

Onan the Barbarian

A guy named Rick and a bunch of his Christian cronies have sworn off masturbating for 40 days (and, one assumes, nights), the same period of time Satan tempted Jesus in the desert. "I'm only a few days into it," he enthuses on his extremely tedious blog, "but I'm really seeing how used to it that my body really is, and how I am addicted to it. As difficult as it is, I'm contending not only for myself, but the men that are on this fast with me, to be strong, and beat this addiction. Let's do it guys! We can be holy." And imagine, guys, how much more spectacular your orgasms will be after waiting 40 days, for Christ's sake!

Rick and the boys found their inspiration to abstain from the website xxxchurch.com, the #1 Christian porn site. I went there and, though I clicked and clicked, I found absolutely no porn, Christian or pagan. Then I discovered that, duh, the mission of the site's two founders is to help people overcome the powerful temptations of pornography and onanism and bring them to God--the people, not the temptations. xxxchurch.com was responsible for this ad campaign. And this. Here's how they advise one to resist the pesky onanism temptation:

"Remain calm and tell yourself, 'You don't own me, masturbation! I'm taking my life back!' (or something of that nature). If that doesn't work, you can pursue alternatives like chewing gum, blasting John Lennon's song 'Cold Turkey,' eating chocolate or whatever helps you best (not masturbation)."

Kids Send In The Darnedest Things

More jokes and riddles from "The Kids' Reading Room" section of the LA Times.

What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It made a little whine. (Chyna, 9)

How do you keep a skunk from smelling? Hold its nose. (Francisco, 10)

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm. (Alex, age unknown)

What has four eyes but cannot see? Mississippi. (Neil, 10.)

Patient: I keep seeing a pink monster. Doctor: Have you seen a psychiatrist? Patient: No, just a pink monster. (Dorian, 11)

What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo. (John, 8)

Splayed

Director André Téchiné is usually good for a few hot types doing hot things in the French countryside, and Strayed, his latest, looks to repeat history. Sure, Emmanuelle Béart is fleeing Paris with her two kids during the German occupation, but when they run into 17-year-old Gaspard Ulliel in the woods and shack up with him in an abandoned house, high jinks ensue. Here, see for yourself. Opens Friday.

The Famous Mister Ed

Ed Ruscha, the Nebraska-born California native, is arguably Los Angeles' most acclaimed avant gardist: painter, filmmaker, printmaker, and. . . poser? Who knew he was so photogenic? Beginning Saturday, the Craig Krull Gallery at Bergamot Station in Santa Monica will be showing "Picturing Ed: Jerry McMillan's Photographs of Ed Ruscha 1958-1972." McMillan has shot Ruscha in various guises, including cowboy (at right, 1970), archer, and bunny rabbit.

The gallery is at 2525 Michigan Avenue, building B-3, Santa Monica. Opening reception Saturday 4-6 PM. 310 828-6410

Taking the Piss Out

A guy in Germany has invented a device that admonishes a man if he tries to urinate standing up. The WC Ghost, as it's called, fits under the rim of the toilet and, if the seat is lifted, declares in a fierce female voice, "Hello, what are you up to then? Put the seat back down right away, you are definitely not to pee standing up. You will make a right mess." I imagine that to hear that in German would be right off-putting. Needless to say, the gadget is so popular with the Fräuleins that they've bought more than one-and-a-half million of them. Sure beats the "Gentlemen Lift the Seat" sign that's prevalent in England. (CNN.com)

Goosebumps

From the Texas A&M University Computer Science Department, we are proud to present Chris and Matt.

You Wish They Were Crickets

As you know, the great cicada invasion of 2004 begins in June. It's been 17 years since the pesky insects last darkened the skies of the eastern US. We've come to think of them as harmless little bugs that live only the six weeks it takes to reproduce, then the pupae are banished underground for another 17 years. But Cicadaville.com, Cincinnati's cicada authority, knows otherwise. Protect your children!

How do Cicadas mate? The female cicada injects her eggs under the skin of a small human child.  The cicada pupae then grow inside the child until they reach maturity.  Unless you protect your children they may become host to thousands of deadly Cicada pupae.

Who's the Leader of the Clan That's Made for You and Me?

They'll be havin' a gay ol' time at Dollywood this Saturday. Or will they? 365gay.com says the Ku Klux Klan (hiss) has announced plans to do its best to ruin the second annual Gay Day at Dollywood, gay icon (those wigs! fabulous!) Dolly Parton's theme park in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. As they've done for 12 years on Gay Days at Disney World in Orlando, gays will congregate in large numbers at Dollywood and are encouraged to wear bright red T-shirts so as to be recognized as gay. Like that's necessary, Mary. Anyway, the Klan has reared its ugly hood in Tennessee. The KKK doesn't care much for gays and would rather they didn't visit Tennessee. Ever. Klansman Randy Gray said his members would picket outside the park. ''Theme parks have always been for families. They [the gays] are going there, I believe, to rub it in our faces, to be like 'Ha, ha, we're finally getting our way,' '' he told the Tennessean. Oh, that sounds just like the gays to say that.

The Klan said it would send 20 protestors to the Pigeon Forge, Tenn, theme park Saturday where about a thousands gays and lesbians are scheduled to hold their annual party.  The Klan announcement said its demonstrators will carry banners denouncing homosexuality but will not wear their traditional white robes and hoods.

Britney Eats a Danish

Another devout kabbalah-ite, Britney Spears, took a number of people to her hotel room in Copenhagen last Saturday during her Onyx Hotel tour, which apparently will never end. The hotel party occurred after she and her posse, which included her boyfriend Kevin Federline, spent five hours boozing in the Danish gay club, Ketchup. It would have been just another normal night for the paparazzi following Brit on her usual pub crawl if it hadn't been for a certain unidentified brunette whose hand she was seen holding as they left for the hotel. Quel speculation!

At 5 am Britney, in ripped jeans and a fake-fur coat, left the club with the pony-tailed beauty. The singer appeared weary, with her mascara smudged. She led the brunette to a cab where, with Kevin and another male clubber, they headed back to her £350-a-night suite at the Marriott hotel. One reveller told us: "Britney was all over the brunette in the cab on the way back to the hotel. They were laughing and giggling and Britney made sure she sat next to the brunette, not Kevin. They all went upstairs together at the hotel. Lucky Kevin if anything happened. It must be every man's fantasy to be alone in a hotel room with Britney Spears and another woman!" (Again, it's News of the World, sorry)

Strings for Flings

Posh Spice aka Victoria Beckham has been driven into the arms of the religious cult kabbalah by her cheating spouse, reports the always reliable News of the World. Posh's husband David Beckham, a soccer person known for his bending, has recently had well-publicized and partially documented affairs with two women, who also bend quite nicely. The former Spice Girl, 30, was spotted wearing the telltale evil-spirit-repelling red string around her wrist as she arrived at a children's party with her 19-months-old son Romeo (the new Baby Spice). Romeo's hair was pulled back in a cunning ponytail, another sign that Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham is in deep with the mystical Jewish spinoff. (Kabbalah say boy not cut hair until three year.) Ms. Spice had dinner last week with kabbalah's highest-profile members, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, at the Ritchie home in Los Angeles, home of kabbalah's head office. It's getting scary.

Coldplayed Out

This was posted on Coldplaying.com today:

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow named her baby girl Apple after the little girl of partner Chris Martin's North American booking agent, it has emerged. Apple is the name of the daughter of Marty Diamond, who gave the idea his approval. The baby takes her second (Blythe) and third names (Alison) from the mothers of Gwyneth and Chris respectively. Source: ITV

Marty Diamond, Coldplay's agent at Little Big Man Booking, and his wife named their daughter, who was born last year, Apple Sadie. And they have an explanation--following the Jewish tradition of taking the first letter of a recently deceased relative, the A is after Diamond's late father, Alan, and the S is from his wife's late mother, Sylvia. Diamond, also a close friend of Martin's, downplayed any connection. "My daughter and their daughter have nothing to do with each other," he said. "I'm excited that they named their daughter Apple . . . I think it's wonderful."

(Coldplay as the Nappies.)

Unlikely Taste Makers

Ed Dubroski of the Country Cow Creamery in Woodbridge, New Jersey, is making ice cream flavors to honor devil-worshiping senior rock star Ozzy Osbourne and his shrill wife Sharon. Eww, no, the ice cream doesn't taste like the couple, any more than Cherry Garcia tastes like the dead Dead man or rocky road tastes like a difficult undertaking. Ozzy's Carnivorous Carrot Cake is cinnamon spice ice cream with carrot cake soaked in hazelnut liqueur; Sharon's Death by Sharon is dark chocolate ice cream with chocolate fudge and bits of chocolate brownie soaked in Godiva liqueur. Thankfully, there are no planned flavors for Kelly and Jack. Have you seen them lately?