The Weekend Docket

Normally (or occasionally, it seems) in this space I tell you what to do over the next two days. Today, I'm telling you what we are going to do. Nicole Flowers and Liz Carriere, from accounting, for example, claim they'll "be partying this weekend until Monday. We will be enjoying a weekend of spa and pleasure at the most expensive places around LA." They're not lesbians; it's their birthdays, Liz's following on the heels of Nicole's.

Some of the WOW staff who are not having birthdays have made plans and bought tickets to see k.d. lang and Rufus Wainwright perform Saturday night at the Hollywood Bowl, with the Los Angeles Philharmonic. Of course, the legendary Rev. Al Green is performing the same night at the Greek Theatre in Griffith Park. WOW tape operator Laura Shady is torn between the two concerts on Saturday, but is going to the Hollywood Farmers Market on Sunday afternoon. She'll run into Robin Nelson there. Robin will have spent Saturday, starting at noon, organizing a community meeting to save the Belmont Subway Tunnel and Graffiti Park (1304 W. 2nd street) from loft developers and Starbucks.

Moye Ishimoto will see Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle sometime over the weekend because, she says, we have to support Asian Americans in film, and this is the first major feature with a lead character who's Asian and doesn't have an accent.

At 8:30AM Saturday, In Pacoima, there's the Blessing of the Cars in Hansen Dam Park, but that's the day Jason Bryan is playing tennis in the morning, followed by swimming, followed by a tour of used book stores in the Valley, he says. Then he's boozing it up at a house party. On Sunday, he's doing laundry and reading the books he purchased on Saturday.

David Schiff is playing golf on Saturday but won't say where.

James St. James is overly excited to be going to the Egyptian Theater to see the Steve Martin starrer Pennies From Heaven at 5PM on Saturday (Christopher Walken dances!) and staying seated for the double bill of The Apple [Ed. note: worst movie ever] and Can't Stop the Music (directed by Nancy Walker!), starting at 7:30.

Saturday night, just about everyone who's not at k.d. or the Reverend or sitting through the double feature at the Egyptian will be going to star-studded (literally) Hollywood Forever Cemetery for an outdoor screening of The Big Clock, directed by Mia Farrow's dad, John. Very romantic, very noir. The only thing more Hollywood than watching a movie is watching a movie under the stars – and over the stars whose movie you're watching. OK, and a little creepy.

On Saturday, I'll be doing laundry and vacuuming in the morning (kidding) and reading newspapers and magazines so I can throw them out. My Sunday, as usual, will be spent in court-mandated community service.

Photo of Liz and Nicole by Aric Laferriere.

Technical Support

And speaking of techies, today, officially, is System Administrator Appreciation Day – celebrating its fifth year of no one knowing about it. You're bound to know at least one System Administrator who would welcome a "thank you" along with his paycheck today. Take us, for example, here at World of Wonder. We have Tom Wolf, a hard-working, God-fearing, computer-understanding geek, um, Technology Manager, as he likes to be called. We would be hand-writing everything and using Kodak Brownies without him. He helps us when Safari, Internet Explorer, Eudora, or other wretched paraphernalia becomes recalcitrant (I mean, what the hell is Avid?), and he reluctantly helps me when a photo I'm posting rebels and rearranges its pixels without warning. I say reluctantly because we sit thisclose and I'm always technically needy – even I'm sick of me. Tom performs extreme makeovers on ugly technology. Don't tell him I said this, but we appreciate him on this day of appreciation.

Blog Jam

For those who care or have at least minimal interest, here are some followups of recent WOW Report blogging.

Seems that 49-year-old Donatella Versace's cocaine consumption was so intense that not only was she shedding weight (good), she was also shedding hair (bad). In my past life I knew users who burned holes through their septa, developed permanent post-nasal drip, and hogged the conversation, but they all had full heads of hair. I'm thinking 'Tella's hair fallout might be caused by, um, let's see. . . bleaching perhaps? (dailyrecord.co.uk)

Shar Jackson (right), mother of Kevin Federline's two kids, names all of her dogs after popstars. She's really pissed now, though, that she named one of them Britney. How was she to know? (southflorida.com) But the savvy sister has her eye on cashing in. Variety reports today that the former Moesha actress is pitching studios an idea for a 30-minute “docu-soap” that would follow her as she tries to launch a career comeback while raising two kids. (via eurweb.com)

Nick Russell, who puzzled us that he had so much free time that he could surf the Net all day and barrage us with posting suggestions (which we appreciated, don't get us wrong), writes to us to say he is, in fact, gainfully employed and doesn't have a lot of spare time. "The WOW Report has a special place in the cockles of my heart," says the techie who originated the Report back when it was a monthly. "I'm working on catalog production for a travel company in Berkeley and have spent the last three months updating copy; I just discovered RSS [Really Simple Syndication] and my work. . . requires that I be up on trends and news and such." So there.

Recently Dead

The man who helped make it nearly impossible to get away with murder, Francis Crick, codiscoverer of the double helix structure of DNA, has died of colon cancer at 88. When the English-born Cambridge University grad switched his studies from physics to biology in 1951, he began working with American biologist James Watson (at left in photo, with Crick). By 1953, they had determined the molecule that carries the codes for genes, revolutionizing biology – and eventually criminal investigation. Crick and Watson and colleague Maurice Wilkins won the Nobel Prize in 1962. In the '70s, Crick's interest took another turn, this time toward neuroscience and the brain, and until his death yesterday, he was on the faculty of La Jolla, California's Salk Institute. (BBC News)

"He treated me as though I were a member of his family," James Watson said in a statement. "Being with him for two years in a small room in Cambridge was truly a privilege. I always looked forward to being with him and speaking to him, up until the moment of his death. He will be sorely missed."

Plan-It Waves

Julia Roberts. Don't hear much about her anymore. Married. Pregnant. Twins. Then nothing. Now this. Sloan Bella (at right), one of the psychics who walked through burning sage counseling spirits in the pilot episode of WOW's Housebusters reality series, has predicted not nice things for the actress on her website sloanbella.com.

On a psychic level, I looked at the twins and Julia's pregnancy. Sometime in August there appears to be a loss of one twin, a boy. I believe Julia is carrying two boys, one of which will transcend early.

In the romance department, Danny and Julia are doing well for now. It's a dicey situation as Julia really requires what is the typical, traditional man-woman relationship. However, Julia has a hard time actually settling into that role, making her own experience an emotional roller coaster, especially romantically. Julia continually changes the rules, which makes it hard to keep up with her. This is a fear-based action causing an anger reaction within loved ones.

This is a sad time for Eddie as some truths are put into perspective and his behavior is questioned. Watch for children to play a role in this downfall and questions arise as Eddie's sexual orientation become apparent. The timing is becoming intense and those old issues from the late 1990's and the befriending young transsexuals seem to become evident. This year signifies a death of image and the star faces his own inner demons.

Once in a Whilst

The WOW Report often receives mail from Nick Russell, former techie here at WOW, with suggestions for postings. So often, in fact, that Tom, the current techie, and I have wondered aloud what on earth Russell could be doing these days that he has so much time to spend cruising the net and sending emails. His latest correspondence, received today, still doesn't say, and it makes us scratch our heads even harder. Oh, but I wish all our mail was as literate.

A year ago at this time, I sat in the second conference room of World of Wonder (also known as Boardner's) with wildman veteran producer John Sergeant listening to travel tales from every corner of the world, attempting to picture in my mind the cities, landscapes, and people so vividly related in his stories. One locale in particular, often resurgent for Sergeant, was China; in particular, he said to "stand on a street corner in China and look out at the sea of people" and by looking into this froth and churn of one of the most ancient civilizations in the world, I would realize a true sense of cultural relativity and a true limitation to the influence of Western superiority and thought. Ever since, I have wanted to broach the border of the most populous country of the world and have my sensibilities recast.

And I finally get the chance to do just that. And have it all captured on DV tape. I arrived in San Francisco in April and whilst looking for work, stumbled across an opportunity to take part in the second installment of a documentary series that takes Americans into Asia and records their traveling experience. After several application rounds and a screen test, I was selected as one of the two to strike out on this adventure. On the 4th of September, an American lawyer named Chris and myself head out with backpacks and a small film crew in tow for an arrival in Beijing to explore and train down the Chinese coast finding out just what goes on inside the Great Wall. For two weeks, we will attend cultural events, interact with local people, dine on local fare, and absorb everything in front of us. This adventure will result in a hour-long DVD and broadcast on outlets currently unbeknownst to me (although I have been told there will be both American and Chinese distribution).

At the end of 2004, I will have traveled overland on three continents, been the subject of a reality documentary, and acclimated to a new city (working with another former WOW alumnus, the brilliant Lucian James). Through it all, I carry endearing memories of the crew at 6650 Hollywood Blvd. #400 and grow warmly nostalgic when your faces cross the webcam; I hope you all are well and take care. :)

Best,
Nick

Photo illustration by and of Nick Russell, at left

Is Smithers Gay?

Harry Shearer told an audience at the University of Georgia that Smithers and Burns are "just friends." Yeardley Smith says that one day, for no particular reason, the writers on The Simpsons started throwing in homosexual references and intend to continue. Here are "innuendoes and general weird behavior" from the show regarding Waylon Smithers, from The Simpsons Archive.

(t/y Todd Radnitz)

Entirely New Word of the Week

galien (gay'-lee-n) n. A homosexual who has taken up residence in a foreign country: Because they seem to be so unapologetically everywhere, galiens are the new Eurotrash; adj. Being gay in a foreign country: Graham Norton has added a dash of galien culture to basic cable, don't you agree?

Sects in the City

The TV reality concept is stretching itself mighty thin these days. Amish in the City, in which five Amish twenty-somethings (who look 40) from rural communities, experiencing the Pennsylvania Dutch rite-of-passage called rumspringa, move in with six city kids in a tacky modern house in the Hollywood Hills, was an idea that might have sounded good at the meeting: Witness meets The Real World. Unfortunately, it gives off that UPN stank. The urban kids are cretinous in an unphotogenic way and the Amish are, surprisingly, way too sophisticated to make interesting television – in fact, they know all about TV and sex and beer and seemed unimpressed with limo rides and cell phones and one of them suggested that STUD be shaved into his chest hair. They even play well with the grating house queer, who would find it difficult being liked in an all-gay community.

Meanwhile, back in the Big Brother house, Jase, Scott, and Holly spend a lot of time bemoaning the burden of being beautiful. (They aren't, by the way.) Jase says that women, initially attracted by how good-looking he is, are always surprised to discover he is also smart. (He isn't.) That's because the women he attracts are like Holly, who seems to have had the greater part of her brain sucked out and pumped into her chest. But the real fun in watching the show is knowing that Jase's alliance with the other males in the house ("The Four Horsemen" – but of what?) is his closeted version of sharing a house on Fire Island with Scott, who's even more stoopider than Holly.

Here's a little video montage of Jase and Scott stealing precious moments, from the folks over at Fleshbot, who posted it with permission from TVGasm.

To Chav and Chav Not

Can you say "bling" with an English accent? Chavs, also known as Neds, Townies, Kevs, Charvers, Steeks, Spides, Bazzas, Yarcos, Ratboys, Kappa Slappers, Skangers, Janners, Stigs, and Scallies, depending on which part of the UK you're from, are "Britain's peasant underclass that are taking over our towns and cities!" says chavscum.co.uk. The Chav style seems to be a mix of gangsta rap, cholo, rave, and trailer trash. The How to Spot a Chav section is helpful in identifying Chav fashion and Celebrity Chavs lists Christina Aguilera, 50 Cent, and the Beckhams among the offenders.

Chavs listen to only 3 music genres: Rap, R&B and Dance. Rap for the boys, R&B for the girls and Dance for both sexes. Extensively most of the music they listen to is in the Top40 or has been at some point in the last year. The Rap music the male Chavs tend to listen to is whatever is usually flavour of the month with their favourite wigga DJ, Timothy Westwood.

Sitings

• Dubya does dollars. Blair does Bush.
• Wasn't this the plot of a Law & Order?
• We don't read Deutsch, but we think he thinks he's hot. (t/y Todd)

Recently Dead

The body of a high-ranking official in the Nixon administration, who was rumored to be Deep Throat, was found yesterday by a maid in a hotel room in Biloxi, Mississippi. Fred LaRue apparently had died Saturday of natural causes at 75. LaRue, the bagman who delivered payoffs to keep participants in the Watergate scandal quiet, had been present at the 1972 meeting where the plan to break into the Washington complex allegedly was hatched, and later served 4 1/2 months in federal prison. (CNN.com)

After his political career ended in scandal, LaRue returned to his home state of Mississippi to work in his family's oil company and with its real estate holdings. LaRue discounted rumors that he was Deep Throat, saying the mysterious source for Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein on the Watergate story was not one person, but probably a combination of several people.

Currently Courting Catherine

Our source in the LA courthouse where Dawnette Knight is on trial for stalking Hollywood power couple Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones says that right now, at this very moment, Catherine is holed up in the jury room awaiting her 1:30 call to the stand while Michael is giving his testimony. First question the Fatal Attraction star was asked, we hear, was "Don't you know that female stalkers aren't dangerous?" (info)

The T Tuck

Cute WOW segment producer Aric Laferriere was walking around the office the other day with his too-big white T-shirt tucked into his jeans only at the point just behind his belt buckle, leaving the remainder to hang free. Laferriere, you may remember, had that dance-off with Justin Timberlake at XES not long ago, so we're respectful and props-heavy when he's around. We questioned him about his T-shirt arrangement and he said it's called the Tallahassee Tuck, and can be applied at any point around the waist. Why Tallahassee? Gainesville boy Aric had his T tucked like that a couple of years ago when his friend from Tallahassee claimed the look as his. The look is so best, as the folks at Stereogum like to say, because it can show off that souvenir buckle you're so fond of or hide an unsightly love handle if tucked just so. But just the one.

Mmmm, Tube Steak

You know gay's a wholesome TV staple when one of the Springfield residents comes out. In January, a beloved Simpsons character will be revealed as an ass bandit in the series' 16th season, reports eonline.com. "We have a show where, to raise money, Springfield legalizes gay marriage," producer Al Jean said last weekend at the Comic-Con in San Diego. "Homer becomes a minister by going on the Internet and filling out a form. A longtime character comes out of the closet, but I'm not saying who." Show creator Matt Groening joked that Homer will be the homo – d'oh! – but it could be Mr. Burns' long-suffering toadie, Waylon Smithers, who collects Malibu Stacy dolls – or even Ned Flanders.

According to online fan scuttlebutt, there are other characters who might be secretly having a gay old time in Springfield, including Homer's regular-guy cohorts at the nuclear plant, Carl and Lenny, as well as Moe the bartender, the Reverend Lovejoy, Principal Skinner and Comic Book Guy. Of course, the producers didn't rule out a lesbian wedding, either.

Haute Cocaine

That explains it! – why all her designs looked like they were meant for Israeli transsexual hookers and Jennifer Lopez. She was really really really high! Donatella Versace, who became head of brother Gianni's fahion house after his murder in 1997, has been admitted into a rehab center for treatment of a lengthy cocaine addiction, which in 2004 is not so hot a habit. She's old enough, after all, to have already done that and got over it back when people were doing and getting over it. According to wtev.com, the designer's representative told pagesix.com, "The family views this as a private matter. We hope the press will respect this as such." Yeah, good luck with that.

Bands on the Run

If there were unlimited degrees of separation, then even I would be linked to Kevin Bacon and this Band to Band Links site would be more fun. Took me three tries just to get any result (then I noticed there were only 726 eligible bands in the game). Finally, the Who linked to the Beastie Boys after 25 shifts in personnel.

A band is officially regarded as connecting to another if they both share a legitmate band member (as opposed to guest appearances) who played on a particular band recording which was released publically as either an offical band album or as a compilation appearance. The nice part about the program's algorithm is that it guarantees the shortest route between two bands regardless of their degree of separation.

Remotely Interesting

I was scrolling down boingboing.net just now and came across this delightfully complicated experience from engadget.com: how to turn your iPod into a universal remote. Natcherly, I don't have an iPod, but if I did I wouldn't have the patience to program it to replace my myriad other remotes. I'd ask Tom the techie to come over and do it for me, which he wouldn't, and there I'd be. But you're not like me.

This week’s How-To is a fun one, we take an iPod and turn it in to a universal infrared remote control which can be used to control all your home electronic equipment, or just about anything that uses a remote control, for example in our place we have our iPod controlling our TV, DVD Player, Direct TV, Ultimate TV PVR, Media Center PC, Xbox, XM Satellite Radio, Roomba and a few other random things like a Robot.

Trailer of Lies

The surviving partner of Ben & Jerry's ice cream is using an old "Scooping Tour" promotional idea to underline the lies he believes Bush has told as president. Ben Cohen is traveling across the country with a 12-foot tall image of President George W. Bush with his pants on fire. To me that's so hilarious that I don't need to know any more, but if you want details, you'll find them on mensnewsdaily.com via agendainc.com. Or go here.

The emotive Bush "PantsOnFire-Mobile" is actually a trailer hooked up to a car. The image of Bush shows him wearing a "Mission Accomplished" flight suit, a derogatory reference to the sign posted on the USS Abraham Lincoln after the major battle in Iraq was over last year. On the front of the Bush character is an electronic ticker denoting the "lies" told by Bush.

Ken Lisaius, spokesman for the White House, said Cohen has the right to express his opinion about the president, although most Americans support Bush and his policies.

Harry Potted

The only names I recognize in this story are Prince Harry and Scarlett Johansson. Perhaps you'll fare better. Harry seems a bit out of control, bless him, and makes the Hilton and Bush girls seem stuffy by comparison. (The Sun is so British: The only pictures that clicking will enlarge are the ones where there are breasts to pump up.)

It's a Musical Thing

Martha Stewart didn't sing in court, and she's not gonna belt it out on stage either. But America's favorite homemaker soon will join the country's favorite schlockmeister, Jerry Springer, as a TV icon who's been converted into a theatrical production. Springer has his acclaimed Jerry Springer The Opera; Stewart will have Martha & Me: A Musical.

The play, scheduled to run for six nights at the New York International Fringe Festival next month in Lower Manhattan, is staged by a small company called, aptly, Perfect Salad Productions. It's the story of a housewife trying to attain Stewart’s maniacal perfection while preparing Thanksgiving dinner. The show's music-and-lyrics writer, Robert Rokiki, said Stewart is not a character in the play. "We didn't want to slander her and have a show full of Martha-bashing," he said, "so we created a foil: Betsey Parsait, an obsessed fan." (NY Times, timesonline)

The ImClone scandal and Ms Stewart’s public humiliation before the court provides the backdrop for the show. Rokicki said: “As we developed the idea and talked to people about the project, we were surprised by how strongly people felt about her. Some vehemently hated her, some adored her. I started to realise that the effect of Martha was perhaps more interesting than the woman herself.”

They'll Be Combing Round the Mountain

Hail, Marys! Everything new is old again. The Lady Bunny has announced that she will be shampooing, blow-drying, and teasing New York's legendary Wigstock for yet another year. Now as part of the second annual Howl Festival, the hair-raising event will take place free of charge on August 21, in its original Tompkins Square Park location. Since its inception 20 years ago, it has kept wigmakers and Aqua Net in business and the Tri-State area's gay population manageably corralled once a year. (more)

Hilarious drag suprastar Bunny, the event's cofounder, organizer, and hostess, has confirmed the performances of RuPaul, Boy George, Jackie Beat, HRH Princess Diandra, Miss Guy, Sugga Pie Koko, The Ladies of Lips, Milan, Cashetta, Flotilla Debarge, Lily of the Valley, and "dozens of other freaks." It promises to be a veritable Lollapalooza, though stationary Warped Tour is more like it. "Last year's show was an absolute panic!" says Bunny. "The weather was gorgeous, there was a huge turn-out and the air was thick with that old school East Village vibe." And redolent of ozone-busting chemicals, I'm sure.

The 20% Solution

In case you were too lazy or disinterested to click on the Shitty Tipper Database at bitterwaitress.com yesterday, I'll make it easy today by whetting your appetite. Serena and Venus Williams left a 7% tip and a lot of resentment in a Boston restaurant; Jennifer Lopez left $2.16 on her $752.34 check in Vancouver, then did virtually the same in London. Read why waitresses everywhere call such rich celebs as Madonna, Britney, and Rosie "cheap fucks."

British Intelligence?

Another sparkling report from Jacques Peretti, our man in the London office:

PRINCE RINGS BELL
Royalty, doncha lovit? Ex-Diana beau and love rat James Hewitt, on remand with gf and news reader Alison Bell on charges of possessing cocaine, now suffers the ultimate indignity: His laydee lost her flower to Prince Edward – the most ludicrous of all the royals – when she was just sweet sixteen.

Bell's ex-husband, Mike Bell, a secondhand car dealer, claims in the Sun that Alison and Prince Edward (known in gay circles as "Dockside Debbie" on account of his alleged but unproved penchant for rough-trade) were lovers at a collegiate school in Wanganui, New Zealand, in 1983, where Dockside Debbie spent two terms teaching.

Apparently, DD got Alison drunk on gin and tonic. She ended up chucking up in his bathroom, after which the royal made a move on her, and they had sex. So romantic.

OH, BROTHER
Don't know if u like this, but over here, the reality show obsession du jour is Big Brother. This year, the promise of the producers was to be evil to contestants, which has translated into little more than not giving them cigarettes and painting the walls a rather hideous green. Today, however, they handcuffed the contestants who don't like each other together in a bid to make the last couple of weeks vaguely interesting.

Posh tottie Shell has been tied to dreamboat Stuart, much to the disgust of Stuart's girlfriend in the house, the super-thick and jealous Michelle (they were the first people to actually have sex in the house. I for one felt a little dirty, watching the tablecloth under which they fondled and groaned – but not that dirty).

Big hunk Jason, an air steward of dubious heterosexual credentials who claims to have had sex with over a thousand "people," is constantly being wooed by openly gay Dan ("I hate poofy men"). Though they have rubbed fake tan into each other's butts, the first gay sex on a reality show looks nothing more than a distant twinkle in Dan's eyes.

Sitings

• Shitty tipper database. (t/y Jennifer Gibbons)
• Oreo Barbie (t/y Moye Ishimoto, who says, "Next up: Chiquita banana Asian Barbie.")
• British word count (t/y Nick Russell)
• Gucci black rubber ice trays (t/y Ed Magana)

Malibu Britney

Britney, out on a Sunday boating adventure with fiance Kevin, wears a shirt sure to amuse her stalking photographers and faithful bloggers. Her head treatment, though, is more sheik than chic. Posted by Ruben at worldofbritney.com, who also posts that:

Meanwhile, last week, seeking shelter for the growing extended family their union will create, Brit and Kev went house-hunting and fell in love with this $4 million five-bedroom villa in Malibu. Or at least they fell into each other's arms and their lips met in the driveway and said howdy. Britney finally spent time with Kevin's older child, two-year-old daughter Kori. "Britney painted her fingernails and it really seemed like they had a blast," said a remarkably well-adjusted Shar Jackson, Kori's mother who just gave birth to Kevin's latest, son Shaz, on July 20.

The St. James Version (Rubber Edition)

No, but seriously, do I really need to write an introduction here? You know what's in store.

I usually try and avoid the rubber underwear crowd. I stay away from that whole cyber/fetish/goth-a-billy/vampire bar scene. It’s just the same old glam/dom rubbermaids, techno-trannies, go-go-ghouls and (Ann) Rice Queens that we’ve seen for the past twenty years. The girls are all stocky horrors, stuffed into identical rubber dresses, wearing that same damn corset night after night after night. And bangs! What is it about big girls and Betty Page? The boys are prematurely bald, chronic masturbators with lumpy multiple penis piercings. It’s sad, creepy, self-indulgent and unoriginal.

I just want to sit them all down and explain to them that LIQUID EYELINER IS A PRIVILEGE NOT A RIGHT, PEOPLE. That means no cobwebs, no crucifixes, no random pattern of dots that extends to your temple, and absolutely no cyborg computer chip doodles on your cheek.

#1: It’s not tromp l’oeil and you’re not that good
#2: It runs when you sweat.
#3: You sweat a lot
#4: because it’s SUMMER and you’re wearing a RUBBER NUNS OUTFIT

Anyway. That’s why I avoid those places.

I do however make an exception for Miss Kitty’s. Mostly, because Miss Kitty herself is so fun. And, the crowd isn’t as artless and offensive as some places. There is a high glam/low glum quotient, and the ‘kitschy witch’ factor is kept to a bare minimum.

Fat's Amore!

Giovanna Guidoni has won the Miss Cicciona beauty contest in Forcoli, Italy, reports Reuters via Yahoo! We congratulate her. And we'd award her our coveted WOWie trophy, but we're afraid she'd eat it. She's really fat, weighing 416 pounds. Fortunately, it's a contest for fatties; the mimimum weight for entrants is 220. Guidoni is part owner of a restaurant, so piling on the extra bread and pizza didn't cost her. Ciccione loosely translates as chubby. Isn't that Madonna's last name?

Lowe and Behold

When Rob Lowe made the move into his trailer on the WB lot for his new TV series, Dr. Vegas, he felt, um, uncomfortable, if not actually otherworldly. He sent immediately for a spiritual adviser, which most Hollywood celebs keep on retainer. The adviser indeed felt there were evil spirits afoot in the luxe bunker (maybe the trailer had belonged to Margaret Cho in another life) and ordered containers of ionized water to be placed around the edges of the trailer to clean the air. Voila. (via Pop Bitch)

Sounds like an episode of Housebusters, the eerie home-invasion reality series WOW created in the UK, where possessed houses are rid of their unwanted "visitors" and forces. WOW's US version of the supernatural makeover show is currently being piloted at Bravo. In fact, Bravo VP Frances Berwick jokes in an email that the Rob Lowe adventure is "our episode 5. Sadly, the Feng Shui didn't help him with The Lyon's Den."

Someone Usher Him Out

If you believe Popbitch – and who doesn't? – Usher is the very latest in pop pretension. At the Sean "P Diddy" Combs party in New York last week, the R&B actor, wearing a white T-shirt with his own image on it, came up with the idea of not talking directly to the bartender. Good one, Usher. And classy. The singer whispered his order into his bodyguard's ear. "Usher will have a Bellini," the bodyguard interpreted for the bartender. When the drink was ready, the bartender handed it to Usher, but was intercepted by the bodyguard, who explained that he was the only one allowed to hand Usher his drink. Rinse, repeat, etc. Later, Usher gave the bodyguard the important task of separating a bag of M&Ms into five wine glasses by color for the bar staff to deliver to the young star.

It's odd that Usher would even be at a Diddy do, since, according to Japanese fansite Always Usher, the star recently criticized Puffy for "failing to offer him financial help in his time of desperate need" – a teenager starting out in the music biz. "I looked up to Puffy," Usher whined, "but he turned his back on me. I went to him once when my record company wasn't doing me so well, when I was about 17, and I'm like, 'Yo, Puff, you know, I need some money, I don't have any money, man, and can I borrow $5,000?' And he's like, 'Nah, man, I haven't got it.' And yet he was walking Versace, you know?"

Monkey Biz

Any excuse to run a photo of a monkey. But this has an accompanying story that implies that humans may be walking upright because of brain damage. Seems this adorable black macaque, Natasha, who lives in the Safari Park zoo near Tel Aviv, began walking on her back legs exclusively after recovering from a life-threatening stomach flu. It was after she was released from the zoo's clinic, reports CBC News, that her behavior changed.

Monkeys usually alternate between upright walking and moving on all fours. A zoo veterinarian says he's not sure why she has altered her behaviour, speculating that the illness could have caused brain damage.

British Intelligence?

'Ello, 'ello, what's this then? Once we get the kinks worked out (probably tomorrow), Jacques Peretti, hilarious series producer in WOW's London office (pictured), will be posting the latest doings in Blighty actually from Blighty itself so, with the extraordinary eight-hour time difference at work, you'll have something to read and larf at first thing in the morning. Here's a short first installment of what we call British Intelligence – with a question mark.

Christina Aguilera is opening a "British themed restaurant" in Soho, NY.
Apparently, she "fell in love with all things British" on a recent visit,
and was so impressed with our unique cuisine (disgusting greasy egg and
chips washed down with milky tea) that she wishes now to inflict it upon
discerning New Yorkers. We're just waiting for her to start sporting a
cor-blimey cockney accent like Madonna.

THE NEW POSH AND BECKS: SPLIT
Whilst David Beckham holidays in the Sun, snapped wearing nothing but tight white Y-fronts (the same style he was snapped in on a balcony in Portugal a month ago) the new Posh und Becks –  Wayne Rooney and gf Coleen McCloughlin, an aspiring model – have split. . . because he HAD SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE.

This hardly marks fat-faced Rooney out from other British soccer stars, but Coleen thought she heard wedding bells, and more importantly, a string of endorsements that made Posh and Becks look smalltime.

Rooney is considered the greatest Soccer talent in Britain in 40 years, but is encumbered by a) the fact he is very ugly b) he is very stupid c) he looks like a criminal and comes from Liverpool. Hence the popular chant that soccer fans sing whenever he appears: "He's fat, he's Scouse, he'll rob your fucking house." All of which is undeniable.

LGBTCC TV?

The new, all-gay TV network, LOGO, announced today the programming it's readying for its launch in February of 2005. The network has already accumulated a library of more than 150 movie and documentary acquisitions and has in active development more than 20 projects with such stars as Cher and Chastity Bono, Alan Cumming, Margaret Cho (right), and others, reports usnewswire.com.

Along with commercial films like The Birdcage and Philadelphia, LOGO also has smaller films like Jeffrey, Edge of Seventeen, and The Broken Hearts Club. And it has tons and tons of original alternative-lifestyle programming. Tons. A whole lot of shows and movies and whatnot and, um, you should really go to usnewswire and read the exhaustive story yourself if you're interested in this fine channel's lineup. I'm exhausted.

Oh, and, in all correctness, LOGO is meant for what is known as the LGBT community, the LGBT standing for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender. But crossdressing and curious are not represented in that acronym, so I figure all or nothing. Either make it all-inclusive or call it gay.

And can it still be called an acronym if it doesn't make a pronounceable word?

You Thought Tying a Knot in a Cherry Stem Was Something

You've seen chewing gum used as a painting medium. You've seen chewing gum as a source of annoyance on your shoe and in your hair. But it was designed to be chewed. And that's exactly what a 30-year-old gum-sculpting electrician from Transylvania does, and can be seen doing in WOW's upcoming six-part series, Wack TV Passport, on VH1. All we know about the man who can make tiny animals in his mouth using only his tongue and teeth comes from Tasha Newsome, who did some research on him:

"He prefers to work with gum that is past the expiration date. It takes him about three hours of chewing to get a piece of gum the right consistency for art. Once he's done that, it takes him only 30 second to make a turtle, 20 seconds for a pig, and over a minute for something complicated like a UFO. Unless he's out and about handing the sculptures to unsuspecting kids, he submerges the tiny artifacts in water to harden them. When he's really on his game he can do as many as 20 an hour."

(Watch the clip)

We Have Always Lived in the Castle

Are Harold and Kumar looking to go here? That's not a big burger place. No, they're on their way to one of these, at right. And the adventure of getting there is all in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, opening July 30. In the meantime, a full-scale replica of a White Castle restaurant has opened on LA's Sunset Strip, at 8301 Sunset Boulevard, across from the Standard Hotel. From now until August 1, the joint will be giving away 50,000 of its tasty little sliders, as a promotional tie-in with the film. No shoving. There's enough for everyone.

Meanwhile, if you can't get out of the house for the giveaway, try this DIY recipe, from Recipes of the Damned via batemania.com:

WHITE CASTLE CHEESEBURGERS

1 pound super-lean ground beef (7 percent fat)
16 dinner rolls
1/2 small onion, minced
salt
pepper
16 slices fat-free American cheese

1. Prepare the patties by separating the ground beef into 16 1-ounce portions. On a sheet of wax paper, form the portions into square, very thin, 2 1/2-inch patties. Using a small, circular object, such as a straw or the tip of a clean pen cap, create five holes in each patty. Make one hole in the center of the patty and four holes surrounding the first one, with each about half an inch in from each corner. Freeze these patties, still on the wax paper, until firm.

2. Toast the faces of the dinner rolls, either in a hot frying pan over medium heat, or under the oven broiler.

3. In a hot frying pan or skillet preheated over medium heat, arrange tablespoon-size piles of onions, 3 inches apart. Salt and pepper each pile of onions.

4. Spread the onions flat, and then place a frozen beef patty on each pile of onions. Salt each patty.

5. Cook each burger for 4 to 6 minutes. If you made the patties thin enough, steam from the onions will rise around the meat and through the holes in the patty, cooking the meat thoroughly without having to flip it.

6. To build each burger, turn the bottom half of a dinner roll over onto a patty, then hold it down as you scoop a spatula under the meat and onions, and turn the sandwich over onto a plate.

7. Cut a slice of American cheese into 2-inch-square portions and place a square onto the onions on the beef patty.

8. Complete the burger with the top half of the roll. Repeat with the remaining burgers, and serve hot.

(From Top Secret Recipes Lite , Todd Wilbur, NY: Plume/Penguin, 1998)

The Weekend Docket

FRIDAY

CLUBS

Hot Couple Contest at Miss Kitty's Parlour, 6510 Santa Monica Boulevard, Hollywood. James St. James will reign over a Hot Couple Contest at, some say, LA's most shocking dance party. The dancefloor vibrates with electroclash, industrial, and nuwave '80s sounds. Go, get wasted. Meet James. "It's a guaranteed fabulous fetish/drag/goth/cyber/clubkid/
electroclash good time for all!!!!!!" he just announced. 9PM - 2AM. $10 cover. (more)

SATURDAY

OUTDOORS

2004 LA Tofu Festival, 237 South San Pedro Street, Little Tokyo, 213 628-1183. Unleash the secret power of tofu, if you haven't already. If you have, you'll know what, um, fun tofu can be. Meet Iron Chef Morimoto. Battle the dreaded tofu ninja. Enjoy spaghetti, ice cream, and soup – all made with tofu. Noon – 8PM. $8. Also Sunday. (more)

MUSIC

Cindi Lauper at the Greek Theater, 2700 Vermont Avenue, Los Angeles, 323 665-1927. The quirky '80s icon still just wants to have fun. 7:30PM. $34 and up. (more)

MOVIES

Donnie Darko: The Director's Cut at the ArcLight, 6360 Sunset Boulevard, 323 464-4226. Now, even better! Brand spanking new re-release of Richard Kelly's 2001 cult film starring Jake Gyllenhaal as a sharp suburban teenager who may be hallucinating a six-foot rabbit. It's Harvey for the Y generation. Opened Friday. $11. (more)

THEATER

Airplane! The Reading! The Return! at S. Mark Taper Foundation Amphitheatre, Coldwater Canyon Park, 12601 Mulholland Drive, Beverly Hills, 888 922-3846. ACE’s Classic Movie Theatre Players present a free-wheeling re-imagination of the first table-reading of the script for the movie that’s ranked #10 on AFI’s list of 100 Funniest American Films! Cast includes Robert Culp! 8PM. Also Friday. $15.

SUNDAY

OUTDOORS

Charo at Warner Park, 5900 Topanga Canyon Boulevard, Woodland Hills, 818 704-1358. Come on, you know you must. Latin pop goes all coochie coochie when Cugat's ex hits the stage. 6PM. Free. (more)

ART

Rodney Graham: A Little Thought at MOCA at the Geffen Contemporary, 152 N. Central Avenue, Los Angeles, 213 621-2766. Thirty works spanning 25 years in this midcareer survey. The exhibit focuses on Graham's film and video work, in which he's the lead actor in his own absurdist costume dramas. 11AM - 6PM. $5 - $8. (more)

MUSIC

Chromeo at the Knitting Factory, 7021 Hollywood Boulevard, Hollywood, 323 463-0204. Kitschy synth pop with influences ranging from Yaz to Hall and Oates. 8PM. $8. (more – a site too clever for its own good)

Inconceivable

It's always good to know what reality shows are on in Britland, since they inevitably swim across the Atlantic like Asian snakehead fish and are snapped up by the US nets. In the "basic Idea" stage over there, reports the Sun, is Make Me a Mum, in which a woman would choose a father for her unborn baby on the grounds of sex appeal, personality, wealth, and fitness, and a second man would be selected for genetic excellence and the quality of his sperm. Somehow, the woman gets impregnated at the end of the six-part series. A thousand men will try out for the honor, like eager sperms themselves. The program comes from the company that makes Big Brother.

A spokesman for the anti-abortion campaign group Life called the idea "despicable," saying: "We're opposed to this all the way. It's exploitation with no consideration for the child that may or may not be created."

Sitings

• Turkey & gravy soda
• Freedom or evil?
• Hypnotic stick figures

A Stranger Among Us

There's a Republican working here. I know. But it's her right as an American. When we posted the Sloganator earlier today, she sent this email to the Report:

"Now Stephen, we don't want to alienate all of the WOW Report readers who might support Prez George Bush just a little bit, now do we? Therefore, I think you should post http://www.blogsforbush.com/ for those who enjoy reading about 'the other side' once in a while."

The John Kerry Waffling "Flip-Flopper" Doll. 5.5" tall, Squeezable "Stress" Foam. He's holding a stack of Waffles, wearing Flip-Flop sandals and has a bottle of Ketchup in his back pocket. Pioneer sale on now - special launch price. Recently profiled in the Roanoke Times.

It's Still Fun to Be Fundamentalist

Isn't it time you got back to Tammy? Play Tammy Faye's The Price Is Righteous shopping game from eyesoftammyfaye.com.

Entirely New Word of the Week

diablogue n. Online intercourse between two or more web journalists; v. tr. To express as or in a diablogue; v. intr. To converse in a diablogue. Fleshbot, Gawker, and the WOW Report had a brief diablogue about chewing gum art.

Blog Jam

Yesterday, we posted a couple of portraits made of chewing gum, with a brief history of where the pictures had been before they got to the WOW Report. "Gawker got the site from NewYorkish," we said, "who got it from Everything Important, who got it, apparently, from Kronenwald." Today, we get a letter from our friend Jonno over at Fleshbot, who adds, ". . . who got it from Fleshbot, who got it from Body Collector five months ago." And, in fact, it's all true. Fleshbot must have cc'd his letter to Gawker, 'cause Choire over there sent this giddy note: HEY, WHERE ARE MY PANTS? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? WHAT'S GOING ON? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Bush/Cheney 2004

Kidding. Enjoy the results of the Sloganator.

Nothing Lasts Forever

The Institute of Contemporary Art in Philadelphia is the core of a citywide show of nothing much, or, rather much nothing, reports FT.com. The Big Nothing, as the show is called, features 60 artists from the 1970s and beyond who explore images and ideas of nothingness in five groupings. There are the metaphysical nothings via film and video, and a section on the vacuity of consumer culture, with Gabriel Orozco's yogurt lids. There's also Pennsylvania-born Andy Warhol's Invisible Sculpture, a piece which if I'm not mistaken he created for the New York City avant club Area back in the '80s.

It is a brilliant idea. The ancient Greeks found zero a powerful idea. Hindu religion revered the void. A Dada poet declared "Art does not exist," while Marcel Duchamp elaborated: "Dada is nothing." In 1958 Yves Klein trumped that with an empty exhibition, topped at the 2003 Venice Biennale by a perverse Closed Gallery. But the masterpiece of negativity remains Robert Rauschenberg's Erased de Kooning Drawing from 1953

Paint Misbehavin'

A selection of thirty photographs called New Body of Art, which features painted bodies, is on view at alisonholland.com. The series is a collaboration between photographer Andrew Dunbar and painter Anthony Chiappin.

Dunbar says, "Painting the body is a tribal thing, Indigenous people from many countries adorn the body with paint: we still paint our faces." The 'painting of faces' is challenged by the Dunbar/Chiappin partnership which transforms Elvis' eyes onto the breasts of a headless woman. New Body of Art challenges preconceived ideas of art: it creates its own distinctive path in the culminating effect of painting, photograph and sculpture.

(Thanks, Nick Russell)

Boob Camp

According to a story in the July 26th issue of New Yorker magazine, between 2000 and 2003, military doctors performed 496 breast enlargements and 1,361 liposuction surgeries on soldiers and their dependants. All four branches of the U.S. military can get plastic surgery of any type – face-lifts, nose jobs – for free as long as they get official leave from their commanding officers. (Yahoo)

"Anyone wearing a uniform is eligible," Dr. Bob Lyons, chief of plastic surgery at Brooke Army Medical Centre in San Antonio [said]. The magazine quoted an Army spokeswoman as saying, "the surgeons have to have someone to practice on."

The Provenance of a Post