The 2004 World of Wonder Wowie Awards

We had meetings and came up with the following seemingly random but without a doubt best list of end-of-the-year superlatives you're likely to find anywhere. Each and every one wins a stunning, shiny, and much coveted Wowie statuette. Congratulations to all. No purchase necessary. Allow six to eight weeks for delivery. Results may vary. Not legal in some states.

Stinkiest TV show: How Clean Is Your House?

Best UK TV show: Sex Inspectors

Best US television network: Trio

Blingiest, most extravagant, only-in-America TV show episode: Oprah's Favorite Things giveaway on Oprah

Biggest bitch on TV: Tyra Banks

Cutest reality star: America's Next Top Model's Norelle

Best TV comeback: the girls of SNL

Most annoying TV host: The Swan's Amanda Byram (please shut up)

Best TV show featuring a former cast member of Star Trek: Boston Legal

Late-night switch that can't happen fast enough: Conan O'Brien replacing Jay Leno

Best performance on Everwood by a former girlfriend of Ellen's: Anne Heche

Most disturbing, rarely seen commercials: The Sims

Awesomest, most singalongable commercials: HP Photosmart System's "Picture Book" (works the Kinks out?)

Cutest commercials: dancing dollar bills for Orange Savings Bank

Best supermodel: Gina Davis

Best book to put in your cart: On Target: How the World's Hottest Retailer Hit a Bullseye by Laura Rowley

Best memoir written by a valet: Mr S: My Life with Frank Sinatra by George Jacobs

Sexiest book about porn with the porn stars removed: Obscene Interiors: Hardcore Amateur Decor by Justin Jorgensen, Todd Oldham

If there has to be a book about a pedophile, this would be the best: All That Glitters: The Crime and the Cover-up by Raymond Chandler

Most blatant display of ego: Tom Ford's book cover

Book Andy Warhol would have loved: I'll Be Your Mirror edited by Kenneth Goldsmith

Best book to enjoy on the subway: Hip Hop Files by Martha Cooper

Photo book that launched last year but, appropriately, partied well into this one: Patrick McMullan's so8os

Most embarrassing interview: Madonna on NPR pushing her third children's book

Best part of Paris Hilton's book: the sweat suit chapter

Best part of Paris Hilton: her name

Humpiest documentary: The Story of the Weeping Camel

Best movies about the learning process: The School of Rock, Mean Girls

Best set decoration in a movie: the croissants as Paris cobblestones in Team America

Most retarded performance: Adrien Brody in The Village

Best Linda Lovelace impression: Chloë Sevigny in The Brown Bunny

Best promotional tie-in toy: The Incredibles' Interactive Talking Edna Doll

Lawsuit that's a bit of a stretch: Sharon Stone suing her plastic surgeon who didn't perform a procedure on her

Best imitation of a robot: Laura Bush's handwave

Best single by a former cast member of Star Trek: William Shatner's "Common People" with Ben Folds and Joe Jackson

Most underrated album: RuPaul's RedHot

Instant pop classic: Gwen Stefani's Love, Angel, Music, Baby

Best album of cover songs sung in a nostalgic style and with a German accent: Das Palastorchester und Max Raabe

Least hackle-raising track on William Hung's album: "Rocket Man"

Sexiest blog: Fleshbot

Cleverest gossip column: Michael Musto's "La Dolce Musto"

Best fashion blog: Clothes Hoarse

Best new luxe hotel: The Parker in Palm Springs

Best restaurant "room" in LA: JAR

Chichi-est sushi room in LA: Geisha

Cosiest East Village bohemian hang in New York: Apocalypse Lounge

Cosiest East Village bohemian hang in LA: Club Screwball Tuesdays

Best LA party guest: James St. James (if you can get him)

Swellest LA party planner: Rabin Rodgers

Best snack food: pomegranate seeds

Best new fruit: the grapple

Best new candy: Reese's Swoops

Nattiest former holder of P Diddy's umbrella who now has his own line of $200 umbrellas: Fonzworth Bentley

Best drag: Bruce Vilanch in Hairspray (who knew he had it in her?)

Best reason to go to Las Vegas: the Celine Dion souvenir shop at Caesars

Best example of product copying art copying product: Campbell's limited-edition Andy Warhol soup cans

Best foaming facial: Murad Vitalic Energizing Pomegranate Cleanser

Biggest new magazine with the most readable content for people like us especially while waiting to get our hair cut: Giant

Vainest, most annoying celebrity: Star Jones (she probably thinks this list is about her, don't she?)

Celebrity we love to hate: Catherine Zeta-Jones

Hairiest new scent: Donald Trump the Fragrance

Sweetest sour grapes: Sofia Coppola's blanc de blancs sparkling wine in a can

Best whine in a can: Kirstie Alley

Highlights for Grownups

This Year at the WOW Report

• George Clooney stumps for his dad's run for the House of Representatives.

• People die in record numbers at and en route to The Passion of the Christ. And are moved to confess to murders they'd gotten away with.

• Ashton is 30, not 26?

• The Grey Album.

•  Homersexuality.

• Audience sues Creed for a lackluster concert.

• Idol Moments for Women, Idol Spirit for Men: perfumes inspired by American Idol.

• Paris Is Burning's voguer Willi Ninja schools Paris Hilton and other socialites in how to walk.

• Wardrobe malfunction = TV dysfunction.

• An iPod in every room, a gay on every sitcom.

• Showbiz Moms & Dads.

• Stephen Sprouse dies.

• Winston Churchill's parrot still alive, still railing against Hitler and the Nazis.

• House of Clues host Reef Karim makes People's Sexiest Men Alive list.

• The all-gay TV channel, Pink, launches in France.

•  Rebecca and Michael McCall, whose toddler son is named ESPN after the sports channel, renewed their wedding vows over a cake in the shape of an iPod.

• Anus bleaching.

• Guys Gone Wild, the DVD collection.

• Testicle tucks lift men's morale.

• "Doing a Lynndie" becomes a fad pose in the UK, inspired by the infamous photo of Abu Ghraib's Lynndie English.

• Marge Simpson finally makes the cover of Maxim.

•  Matt Haber's dog, Missy, blogs the Oscars for Low Culture.

• Pumping parties.

• From the grave, director John Schlesinger accuses Madonna of contributing to his death.

• Vincent Gallo gets Chloë Sevigny to blow him in his movie The Brown Bunny.

• Courtney Love allows a fan to suckle her at a New York Wendy's.

• Cupcakes are the new birthday cake.

• Rick James dies.

• The Hidden Fuhrer outs Adolph, then Larry Kramer insists he was a meth head as well.

• Party Monster, the movie, creates a monster cult.

• Prisoner #97A-6595 blabs long distance to James St. James.

• Antonio Sabato Jr gets pummeled backstage at a Heatherette show.

• Burger King creates the Subservient Chicken website.

• Madonna re-invents her name as Esther, for kabbalah's sake.

• David Lee Roth becomes a paramedic.

(Coming up soon! The 2004 Wowie Awards! A list not to be missed!)

Sitings

• Just about the only thing SNL does well now – forget sketch comedy, that's dead – is fake commercials, those brief bits of filmed genius. Here's a hilarious one that Kelly Ripa did a while back. Her All My Children training didn't go to waste. (t/y Jay)
• We're not sure what this is, but there's an irresistible repel/attract thing happening. (t/y Robert)

Celebrities at Large

I go to the Bay Area for Christmas to see my family, escape from the LA lifestyle, and return to my bohemian/hedonist roots for a bit. And what happens? I go to a vintage clothing store in Berkeley and when I come out and head across the street to a coffee shop, I see Naomi Watts sitting in the front chatting with a friend. She's looking very Berkeley, wearing a creamy shabby-chic sweater and knit jacket, and I'm pretty sure the friend is Robin Wright Penn. (My friend and I decide that if she's friends with Sean Penn and he's in Marin County, it makes sense she could be with his wife.) I'm flipped though, because she is literally two feet away from me, and I really do love David Lynch and, by default, anyone he has worked with, so I'm too flustered to even pretend I'm on my mobile so I can get a picture. And by the time I give my mobile to my friend to do the deed, Naomi and company are headed into the shop we had just left. But what is that about? Movie stars in Berkeley?

– Terrance Austin  

Andrea True

Disco queen ("More, More, More") and costar with Linda Lovelace in Deep Throat Part II.

1. Describe yourself as if you were writing a personals ad.
Happy, curvaceous senior citizen. Blonde with even disposition loves good food, travel, dancing, music, cats. Seeks tall handsome multi-billionaire of any age.

2. What's the title of your autobiography?
To the Max

3. Who plays you in the movie?
It probably would be Sharon Stone, or it could be Sissy Spacek.

4. Who do you go to for advice?
God. And I have a best friend in New York I consult with.

5. What makes you cry?
Cruelty to animals.

Recently Dead

Jerry Orbach, who starred for 12 years as Detective Lennie Briscoe on the Law & Order prototype, died yesterday of prostate cancer in Manhattan. He left the police-procedural show last year and had begun production on its third spinoff, Trial by Jury, to debut in 2005. Though in recent decades he'd become known solely as the hard-boiled, wisecracking Briscoe, Orbach made his name in Broadway musicals, including Promises, Promises (he won a Tony) and the original Chicago and 42nd Street. He was 69.

Recently Dead

Legendary author, critic, and all-around intellectual, Susan Sontag, has died at the Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in Manhattan, most likely from leukemia, reports Reuters today. She was 71. Sontag made a literary and cultural splash in 1964 with the publication of Notes on Camp, her take on the homosexual sensibility and the concept of "so bad it's good." An Associated Press writer, Hillel Italie, must have taken that camp concept to heart when writing this description of Sontag in an obituary:

Sontag called herself a "besotted aesthete," an "obsessed moralist" and a "zealot of seriousness." Tall and commanding, her very presence suggested grand, passionate drama: eyes the richest brown; thick, black hair accented by a bolt of white; the voice deep and assured; her expression a severe stare or a wry smile, as if amused by a joke only she could tell.

Sitings

• Donner Party snow globes. A little hard to swallow.
• Mad props must go out to DataWhat? for unearthing this 1977 video of the Tommy Seebach Band's "Apache/Bubblesex." And also for finding this plaintive anthem to stop child abuse, "Please Mr. Jesus," ostensibly sung by Lisa Steinberg.
• Watch the trailer for Nicolas Cage's upcomer, The Weather Man. Looks brisk.

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A Program Note

We're taking today and tomorrow off. If anyone asks, we're "sick" – with the required-by-law air quotes. But we'll leave you with couple of bits of tomfoolery so your visit shouldn't be a total waste.

Sitings

• Santa gets stopped by the cops. What's that in the trunk of his sleigh? Snow? (t/y Jay)
• The Scared-of-Santa Gallery from South Florida.com. (t/y Moye)

Merry Christmas, WOW people.

Kelly Ripa's Sugar Plum Martini

INGREDIENTS:
2 oz. chilled Stoli Razberi
1/2 oz Chambord
1 sugar cube
Splash of Moet & Chandon

1. Place sugar cube in bottom of martini glass
2. Saturate with Chambord
3. Strain Stoli into martini glass
4. Top off with Moet & Chandon

According to "What the Stars are Drinking Now!" in LIFE & STYLE magazine, this is Kelly Ripa's favorite holiday drink!
Now it's mine too! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

– James St. James

Party Animals

Elephants in couture!

What a marvelous idea!

I don't know if I'm coming late to this story or not, but in the January issue of W magazine, Bruce Weber asked top designers to design couture outfits for Rosie, Dixie, and Tai, a comely trio of Asian elephants on a California game preserve. And the results are adorable.

Marc Jacobs made this fabulous pink Louis Vuitton frock, Dolce & Gabbana created a 'flirty pink corset" and Karl Lagerfeld created a swelegant tweed suit avec chapeau.

I find this last one particularly interesting as it comes from the man who threw a hissy fit when H&M dared to make his clothes for sizes ten and up. "I only create fashion for slim, slender people" he has famously proclaimed. And elephants, I guess.

While we're on the subject of Kaiser Karl – here is a choice excerpt from a recent interview in fashion.telegraph:

"Those who are undisciplined become fat. There is something distasteful about their inability to control themselves. To be thin takes control and rigour," he says.

At Christmas he will have his usual fare, no unwanted festive calories.

"It is a Saturday, a working day. It will be like no other. Christmas is for children, and I don't like children," he says.

"Other people's are fine. But not for me. I have never felt the need to be part of a family unit. Also, imagine if I had a child and he was mediocre. I would hate that. Then again, if he was better than me I might hate that too."

– James St. James

Like a Sock for the Head

Jonno, our blogmate over at Fleshbot, said he wanted to knit some gimp masks like this one for the "gang" for Christmas, but he couldn't get around to finishing them in time. Dammit, I especially wanted one, but it's time consuming, this blogging for a living. Anyway, you can take a long look at others of these festive woolen restraints at Swapatorium.

Recently Dead

Pop artist Tom Wesselmann, an art god to the WOW Report editor, died Friday at New York University Medical Center after complications from heart surgery. He was 73. Big female nudes, groceries, electronics, lips, nipples, nail polish, cigarettes. His paintings and sculpture were colorful, shiny, glorious. The Cincinnati-born Wesselmann moved to New York after a stint in the Korean War. He was inspired to drop cartooning and take up fine art after seeing some of Willem De Kooning's Abstract Expressionist nudes. Later, he became a founding member of the Pop art school, along with Warhol, Oldenburg, and Lichtenstein. (Cincinnati Post)

Freddie Perren was 61 when he died on Thusday after not properly recovering from a stroke 11 years ago. Composer-arranger-producer Perren cowrote and produced "I Will Survive," the huge Gloria Gaynor dance hit which won a Grammy for best disco recording in 1979. He also produced hit records for the Jackson Five, the Miracles, and Peaches and Herb, among others, and produced two songs on 1978's album of the year, the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. (Mercury News)

It's the Thought That Counts, of Course

We received this lovely Christmas card from the Maritime Hotel's Sean McPherson and Eric Goode – a perfectly fantastical holiday tableau out of the 1950s, replete with Checker cab, tower of packages, and dancing show poodle. Actually we received it twice. Comparing the two sets of signatures inside the cards, we began to wonder exactly how many Seans and Erics there are.

The Party Pack

We tried to warn them. Because these are exactly the sorts of things that occur when you get mixed up with Michael Alig and that whole Party Monster cult. Macaulay Culkin travels cross-country carrying a stash. Chloe Sevigny gives an onscreen blowjob to Vincent Gallo in real time. Seth Green sports a Mohawk in public as 2005 approaches. And now Natasha Lyonne – sweet sweet Natasha, who played the multi-pierced horror Brooke in the Party Monster movie – was arrested last Friday when she stormed screaming into a neighbor's apartment, grabbed and threatened the dog, and tore a mirror off the wall. All for no apparent reason, though we're sure she had one. Zap2it via bignewsnetwork reminds us that four years ago the actress was arrested for DUI in Miami Beach and performed 50 hours of community service. But then, who among us hasn't been arrested for DUI at one time or another? (Although we always forget to say, "I'm a movie star. Can I talk to my entertainment lawyer?") Meanwhile, Lyonne's real punishment will come when she appears in Rob Zombie's upcoming film, The Devil's Rejects.

Christmas Warning

A final word to dampen spirits before Christmas, from our old friends at The Sun. They are fulfilling their Christmas duties by warning us of the perils of the festive season. And you all thought it was a time to relax! So here are some of the "hidden dangers" awaiting you, according to the paper:

• Don't overindulge with the Christmas dinner. There are three days worth of calories in the typical Christmas meal.

• Prevent potentially lethal hypothermia. Don't be fooled by that warm feeling inside after a few too many down the pub. Make sure you wrap up warm for the cold walk home.

• Go easy on the sherry trifle, liqueurs and brandy butter. Eating alcoholic food on top of a Christmas tipple can put you over the legal driving limit.

• Make sure all children's gifts from relatives and friends are vetted by parents in advance to prevent accidents.

• If you are away over the festive period, keep any tell-tale signs to a minimum – your Christmas shopping isn't intended for someone you've never met; i.e. a burglar.

• Avoid washing that turkey before cooking it as this just spreads bacteria around the kitchen. More than 10 million turkeys are sold in the UK each Christmas and surveys show that nine million of these are washed before being bunged in the oven.

Seasons greetings all!

– Barry Shaverin

Sitings

• Let us spray. Breath sprays, gums, etc, for all occasions.
• Meet the Lucky Ones. (t/y Justin)
• See if your drug of choice is featured in this Soulwax preview.
• Meet the Beastles. The Beastie Boys mix with the Beatles in musical collusion. Like the Grey Album only similar. (stereogum)

Smarmy and Daddy

Adoptive parents, adoption agencies, and probably PETA have condemned the idea for the new Fox reality show Who's Your Daddy? – in which a woman given up for adoption as a child tries to pick her birth father from a clutch of contestants so she can take home $100,000 – as offensive, voyeuristic, and exploitative. They want the show off the air before it debuts. And we're wondering, Have they ever even seen a Fox reality show before? Offensive, voyeuristic, and exploitative are basic components. As far as we know, the woman isn't required to date the men and there's been no mention of their giving her a bath and tucking her into bed. Which is a pity. (Reuters)

Flea's Circus

Last Saturday night at the Barnsdall Art Park in Los Feliz, I went to see a friend perform in the Christmas recital that the Silverlake Conservatory of Music put on. It's a music school that Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers co-founded. The recital was an interesting mix of cool musical kids and rockin' adults performing holiday classics and not-so-holiday classics. At first, "Under the Bridge," a song about shooting heroin under a bridge in downtown Los Angeles, seemed an odd choice for a holiday recital but upon further introspection is probably the most appropriate holiday song of all; I mean, only in L.A. should you expect to go to a children's Christmas recital and see Flea dressed like Santa performing a song about heroin with three teenagers. I can certainly relate much more to "Under the Bridge" than the nauseating Christian-values hymnal, "Joy To The World," even though I do like the "let heaven and nature sing" refrain. (Watch the clip)

– Terrance Austin

Not the Conservative Party

Not to be outdone by our Los Angelean associates, we at World of Wonder’s London office threw our own Christmas party. It was a fine affair. Champagne flowed almost as copiously as the gossip – I learned a thing or two about colleagues I once assumed were shy and retiring, I can tell you! Rumour has it that the party carried on until the not-so-early hours in Soho’s G-A-Y Bar, and more than a few people were late into the office the next day.

Enjoy the photos we were allowed to show. The camera was confiscated once things got out of hand.

– Brit-brit

1) Will Alderwick, Johnni Javier's ear, Scott McDonald; 2) Alex Woolfson, Helen Luke, James Brooker; 3) Moira Noble, Lindy Taylor, Katie Wade, Barry Shaverin; 4) Dee Todd, Lindy Taylor; 5) Lindy "Sheila" Taylor, Terri Corbett; 6) Richard Bradly, Debbie Elliott; 7) Christian Murray-Smith, Cheryl Rock, Lesley Brandon; 8) Johnni Javier, Barry Shaverin; 9) Lucy davies, Michael Pierce, Joseph Humphrey, Richard Bradley, Natalie Allin, Christian Murray-Smith; 10) Joseph Humphrey, Michael Pierce; 11) Katie Wade, Moira Noble; 12) Adam "Da Big Boss" Perry

Gerard Damiano

1. Describe yourself as if you were writing a personals ad.
I'm nice enough to take home to Mother. But only if Father is not at home.

2. What's the title of your autobiography?
The Devil Made Me Do It.

3. Who plays you in the movie?
It's a toss-up between Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt.

4. Who do you go to for advice?
I never make a move without my Ouija board.

5. What makes you cry?
When I drop something heavy on my foot. Also, "president" George Bush.

Can I Get a Witness?

Now, because of the Kobe Bryant case, says Popbitch, a brand new assistant job has opened up in the celebrity community: sex witness. It's the new witness protection program. The sex witness stays in the room while the famed, blinged one has sex with, say, a groupie. The third wheel is paid to witness the act and verify the consensualness of the proceedings, thereby protecting the star from legal action. And while on the subject, What do you get when you cross a pedophile with a pirate? Arrrrrr Kelly.

Hot Christmas Contest Winners

Thank you, everyone who entered WOW's Hot Christmas story contest. The Report's editor was not only amused by the stories but slightly aroused at times. As promised, we have a grand-prize winner. James Denise will receive an iPod Mini for recounting an embarrassing Christmas episode that would have (should have) fit well in Meet the Fockers. His story and those of the four other winners follow below. Everyone who entered receives a limited-edition CD of the Fabulous Pop Tarts-meet-Andrea True holiday rocker, "Hot Christmas." Congratulations.

JAMES DENISE
Los Angeles, California

My hottest Christmas was when I visited my first long-term girlfriend at her parents' house. We had been going steady for eight months, the first week of our holiday being the longest time we had been apart. And as such, I was HORNY. The Christmas lunch was excruciating, one long game of footsie under the table as the cranberry jelly was passed down to Aunt Beadie and the potatoes up to little Sally Anne. I only had eyes for my girl. And from my girl's mutually enthusiastic efforts under the table, I figured that Aunt Beadie wasn't the only one wanting stuffing.

The day wore on slowly, and as more Christmas sherries were downed, my lust grew. But visitors kept a-calling, and constant introductions to Father Seamus and Uncle Robin kept getting between me and my wicked way. By mid-afternoon it was quite a party, my girlfriend was on the far side of the conservatory, and the only things getting pulled were Christmas crackers.

Suddenly, I noticed my girlfriend picking her way through the crowd, her eyes holding on mine a little too long and a little too meaningfully as she slipped out of the door. I waited excitedly for a minute so as not to arouse suspicion, then made an excuse to the circle of old ladies I was standing in and left. With my heart racing in my chest and my hand clutching the condom in my pocket, I ran upstairs and made a beeline for a door that had my girlfriend's name on it. As I poked my head around slowly, it became apparent that she wasn't in her childhood bedroom. Oh, so she was playing games! The next room I tried was the bathroom; empty. Next I looked in her parents' bedroom; again, nothing. But as I was closing the door, I saw something move from the corner of my eye: a naked leg poking out from the heap of guests‚ coats piled on the parental bed! I leapt on top of my girl without hesitation, and we made the naughtiest, fastest love we ever had, our naked limbs intertwining with tweed jacket sleeves. HOT!

Once over, my girlfriend bolted from the room to rejoin the party, leaving me with the dilemma of where to dispose of the condom. Mother's bedside trashcan was out of the question, and visions of blocked toilets prevented me from sneaking out to the bathroom. It left me with only one, rather unorthodox, option. Genius!

Or so I thought. As I re-entered the party room, a holy silence had befallen the assembly. Aunt Beadie turned aghast to face me, and my rosy festive glow deepened quite a few shades as I followed the guests‚ eyes upwards. For they were gathered under the conservatory's glass roof, looking upwards in horror at the slimy sheath I had thrown out of the window, and which had landed smack bang above their heads, a small dribble of Christmas cheer trickling out of it.

Sitings

• The heartwarming holiday classic It's a Wonderful Life performed by rabbits in 30 seconds. (t/y James)
• Michael Jackson sings about his favorite things. (t/y Clancy)
• The WOW Reporter spent a delightful 45 minutes last night listening to Jackie's Playhouse presentation of War of the Worlds on the radio at WPS1.org. The Duelling Bankheads, Debbie Harry, Basil Twist, and the rest of the gang at the Jackie Factory in New York put on a musical play. Included: "Frosty the Crack Whore." (t/y Robert)

The Basement Tapes

We like basements, in general. Sometimes we like to take a break from our own basement here to visit other people's basements, because you just never know. And the other day, visiting a friend, we came across this silent footage of Hollywood in the 1920s, shot by legendary director William Desmond Taylor, a Hollywood movie in himself. This footage shows the bizarre architecture that could only have been built in a town functioning on fantasy. Most of it is gone now – razed to make way for a parking lot, a strip mall, or a bland condo tower. It's sad to realize that if it were 80 years ago, you might have been able to order dinner inside those giant white elephants at Hollywood & Highland, and look out onto the Boulevard through the windows in their eyes. (Watch the clip)

Courtesy LMI

Rocket Man

"When I fly over the snow-covered Alps, all I think about [Ed. note: jones over] is the 'snow' that I once took," Elton John told a German magazine. "Snow" is a reference to cocaine, of course, a powder the 57-year-old singer was addicted to for many years. So when he says he was flying over the Alps, he was flying over the Alps. "Somebody once calculated that I spent 70 million dollars every 20 months in the '80s." Who was paid to figure that out? The money could have gone toward more primo "snow." (ananova)

Fingers

Where's Jennifer's wedding ring? (The Sun) And we're guessing luscious Lindsay isn't giving the victory sign as she tools up to a Wendy's window. (ezboard.com)

Recently Dead

Princess Kikuko, the 92-year-old sister-in-law of Japan's Emperor Hirohito, died Saturday of kidney problems, in Tokyo. She was married to the emperor's younger brother, Takamatsu, and was the grand-daughter of Japan's last shogun, Yoshinobu Tokugawa. She had been a champion of cancer research since the 1930s and, in 2000, when the Crown Prince and Princess gave birth to a daughter, she was the first royal to challenge the law that only men could assume the Chrysanthemum Throne. (findlaw.com)

This Is My Rifle, This Is My Gun

Last May, like a ritual out of the insect world, an American soldier had sex with an Iraqi soldier, then killed him, shooting him 11 times with his rifle. And like most incidents in Iraq, this one has only just come to light. Twenty-one-year-old National Guard private, Federico Daniel Merida, pleaded guilty to murder without premeditation, among other charges, during a court-martial held in Iraq in September, and was sentenced to 25 years in prison, reduced in rank, and will be dishonorably discharged. (Yahoo)

Merida and the Iraqi were on guard duty May 11 in a tower on the perimeter of an Army camp near Tikrit in northern Iraq. . . Merida first told investigators the teen demanded money at gunpoint. Later, he said he killed the boy because he forced him to have sex. In a third interview, Merida said he got angry after the two had consensual sex.

Spectacular

Wasn't it Jane Child who had those piercings all over her face with chains and whatnots hanging precariously from them? And they served no purpose. Here, though, we find a facial piercing that's actually a kind of godsend for the seeing impaired. Ne'er again will you lose your glasses if they're riveted to your nose, right? The studded folks at the body-modification site BME News talk to artist James Sooy about his permanent eyewear.

What’s it like actually wearing it? What does it feel like?
 
They feel exactly like a regular pair of glasses, actually. I put the nose pads on to keep them from swinging around, so all the pressure is placed there, just like any other pair of glasses. Since they have no frame on the side I can wear them while I sleep and still roll onto my side. . . I’ve only had them for about a week now, but I’ve been sleeping and showering in them. I hadn’t taken them off in four days when one of the brackets cut me while I was asleep; I’d forgotten to sand the edges and they were still razor sharp.

Thanks, Pam

Snap!

Kirsten Dunst takes a walk with her, er, um, little brother Christian

Coutesy livejournal

Did You See That Sign?

Photo: BJG

Celebrities at Large

I just had a MAJOR STAR SIGHTING. OK, maybe not MAJOR. And maybe STAR is too big a word. Maybe three people will find this interesting. But anyway. OK. Don't tell anyone. I snuck out of work to FedEx my father's Christmas present (socks and hot sauce, if you must know) and in front of me was KYLE BRANDT – yes, OMG – Philip from DAYS OF OUR LIVES! Well, I just WET MYSELF, I really did. He has this nose, you see, like Bob Hope – which in itself is not that attractive, but ON HIM!!!!!! OMG, I just wet myself again. You might remember him from the REAL WORLD CHICAGO, which was how he got the DAYS gig. His character on the show is a MARINE (shriek. puddle) and is completely pussy-whipped by Belle, who is really in love with Shawn who has amnesia and doesn't realize that Jan locked him a cage all summer. "Dude," I said to him, "you really got to kick her to the curb. Be a man." He looked a little startled, then groaned when he realized what I was talking about. "I KNOW," he said. "Everyday when I get the script, I just want to strangle my character. He needs to grow some balls." Then he noticed the growing stain of urine in my pants, and backed off slowly. "Merry Christmas," he said. "Thanks for watching." OH OH OH – and I forgot the best part – he was FedExing autographed pictures of himself as Christmas presents!!!!

– James St. James

The St. James Version

• SQUEEEEEEEEEEEAL! I saw Jesse Meltcalf, the humpy lawn-boy on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, at the Grove for a matinee showing of THE AVIATOR. He was with a husky biker type (I’m assuming his meth dealer) and his girlfriend (who looks SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE EVA LONGORIA). Now, the way I see it: he gets all lathered up during his love scenes with Eva, the director yells "cut!" and he races off to this chippy in his dressing room TO FINISH THE SCENE. Well, of course.

• Went to the California Institute of Abnormal Arts in North Hollywood for Lenore Claire’s APOCALIPSTICK party. Got some great new ideas for accessorizing my spring wardrobe. Met two really hot guys – TWINS! Male models, I think. All I remember about them is their smoldering, coal-black eyes, and their vacant good-looks. As you can see, my zipper is undone, so draw your own conclusions as to how I ended the evening.

• Of course, I’m still reeling from last month's L’OUMO VOGUE cover of Aaron Carter. HOW ON EARTH could they possibly top themselves? Well, they did. Check out Chloë Sevigny in boy drag, with a tiger on her head. HOT, RIGHT? She looks like Shaggy hiding under the bearskin rug on SCOOBY DOO.

• I had this ginormous, blackened, oozing boil on my face – I know, I know – disgusting – a bubonic bubble of infected pus – throbbing, bleeding, running down my neck – well it was just awful, you can’t imagine. I had to miss a really fantastic party at the Malibu home of a fashionable Italian actress/director/freak-fucker. Now, if I had just worn THIS, I would have been socially triumphant.

– James St. James

Snap!

Holly Woodlawn and Robert Coddington at the New Museum opening in New York. Holly was performing at Fez.

Coming and Going

Last Friday, while birthdays, clandestine Clauses, and year-end inquisitions were in progress, dear sweet WOW associate producer Lea Stenson was clearing her desk to make way for the basket of farewell gifts the staff here had assembled for her move to New York City, where she'll seek her fortune like so many young girls before her. It was a basket fit for a New York newbie: a subscription to Time Out New York, a month's worth of subway rides, a non-tourist guide to the Big Apple, tickets to the Angelika, warm scarves, a gift voucher for Bed, Bath & Beyond, the complete first season of The OC on DVD, and a framed photo of Lea getting her ear nibbled by Kato Kaelin, don't ask. No one thought to include Mace or a DVD of Bloodsucking Freaks (the sensitive story of young girls who move to New York to seek their fortunes and end up in avant-garde theater and are never heard from again). Lea seemed deeply touched. As well she should. And as were we.

Later, as dusk fell and energy flagged, Fenton Bailey returned from the US District Court, fresh from becoming an official US citizen. He was greeted by the staff in a group sing of the national anthem (until lyrics escaped us) and a giant gift basket of Yankee things. We're extremely fond of baskets here at WOW, don't ask. Fenton's American starter kit (though he's been here most of his adult life) included Spam, Twinkies, Cheetos, several cans of Budweiser, cheese in a can and bacon-flavored crackers to spray it on, Bazooka gum, a camouflage T-shirt, two personal-size American flags, and, yes, an apple pie. He said it (the naturalization, not the basket) was "the culmination of almost a lifetime's dream, and the surprise welcome back at the office just the perfect end to a momentous day. Thank you – and America – for having me!" Yes, he was deeply touched. As were we, eying those Buds.

Celebrities at Large

New blogger Lucas Brachish at Celebrity Cola sent us this email today:

"Hey...," he says, "I've written about a celebrity encounter here, at my blog... but since nobody actually knows where my blog is, it's still nice and fresh... thought you might be interested in it for the Wow Report (which is a great site, by the way)." We thank him and it's really true that flattery will get you somewhere. Here's what Brachish has to say on his blog:

Normally I wouldn’t devote this much space to picking on a movie that’s already getting a proper spanking from so many other critics as it is, but since I was lucky enough to attend the New York premier of “After the Sunset” at the Ziegfeld on Tuesday night, I thought, “Hey, what the hell, let’s kick this flick while it’s down.”

Despite being stuck between hyper-happy, super-friendly, ADD puppy-dog director Brett Ratner, hip-hop and clothing mogul Russell Simmons, and Russell's super-tall, super-hot model/designer wife while I road the escalator out of the theatre to the New Line Cinema SUV's that were waiting to take us to the big premiere party at the NYC Warner Brothers building, I couldn't bring myself to talk to Brett, because the only appropriate way to start a chat would have been congratulating him on his film, but I find his films to be so second-rate that I began choking when I thought about kissing ass.... and I also couldn't say anything snippy or sarcastic, 'cause I wanted to drink the man's top-shelf free booze.

So off to the after party I went, and drink I did – shoulder-to-shoulder with Alan Cumming and his boy toy. After getting good and hammered, I later wandered into the director's private after-after-party, where I spilled a drink on the coats of some celebrities (I’ll likely be barred from celebrity bashes in the future) and kept not seeing Salma Hayek every time she passed by -- I never even saw her once, although I’m told that she and Penelope Cruz walked right by me multiple times -- I must have been too boozed to notice the short-statured, well-endowed starlets (back to hard-drugs for me, then, ‘cause the John Barleycorn is making me near-sited). I also never spotted Don “Devil in a Blue Dress” Cheadle.

But I did see Reverend Run and various other celebs.

Just Desserts

Seeing as it’s Christmas, and we are (I’m told) supposed to be all cheerful and giving, I thought that I should share with you a small tale that was recounted to me this weekend.

I guarantee that it will make your day and I swear that every detail of this story is true.

My good friend Kevin was driving the week before last through London’s most upper class address, Mayfair’s Berkeley Square. Unfortunately, Kevin was feeling rather unwell – the result of an overly rich meal.

As one should under the circumstances, he pulled over. After he had stopped, he opened the door, leaned out and put a handkerchief to his mouth hoping that, given a few minutes, the feeling would pass.

At that point, a traffic warden appeared and told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was not permitted to stop there. Kevin politely explained that he had come over rather unwell and that, in a few minutes, he would move on.

Any reasonable man would have seen that he was genuinely sick, and said something along the lines of "no problem, take your time." But not this traffic warden. He approached the car, pen and ticket pad in hand, and began writing.

With that, the inevitable happened. I’ll leave the details to your imagination, but suffice it to say it was projectile, and went all over the warden, who actually ran away in shock.

So you see, at Christmas, the Heavens are watching, and miraculous blessings do happen.

There are lots of security cameras in that part of town, and WOW London is assisting Kevin in his search for CCTV footage of the event. If we find it, we’ll post it right here.

– Barry Shaverin

Friday, All Day

It's been quite the day here at the office. Firstly, and most importantly, it's the WOW Report editor's birthday today and when he showed up this morning, he found his workspace fully toilet-papered from stem to stern, fore and aft, his desk littered with a small tsunami of gifts, including a Barbie helium balloon and a tiny pornographic action figure. It felt almost as if he were – choke! – loved. (That squeaking sound you hear is him squeezing out a tear.) It was also the exciting denouement of the annual Secret Santa exchange program, executed directly after your editor blew out the candles on more chocolate cupcakes than he would have liked. Gifts were ripped open, Santas were exposed. And all the while, from as early as 7AM, WOW staff were being reviewed, spirited one-by-one into the conference room and interrogated on past and present performances, like the ghosts in that Dickens story. And lastly, but not leastly, Briton Fenton Bailey, co-master of World of Wonder, spent the afternoon downtown at the US District Court, getting sworn in as an American Citizen with the other tired, poor, huddled masses. And that, dear elves, may actually, ultimately, be more important than your editor's birthday.

1) Holiday excitement on the fourth floor 2) Terrance and Randy anticipate gifts 3) James gets a certificate for goods 4) Thairin plays Santa 5) Devon and the JG 6) Nicole, Michael, and Liz

Photos: Aric Laferriere

Ask a Black Girl

She'll Hook You Up

Dear Black Girl,
I'm a half Italian half Spanish guy and I'm in community college. I'm 16 and I get smiled at a lot by white girls, but the thing is I like to hang out with Latin and black brothers, so I'm really attracted to Latin girls and black girls. I just can't stand when I see a butt that they be packin. I'm not in a poor family anymore but we once were when we lived in Miami, but we moved on up. I dress like a thug, but I ain't just fakin because I got a lot of family in the mob. Well anyways there's this one black girl that likes me and I really like her, so how can I impress her and get her to be stuck to me like peanut butter and jelley?
– Miami bound

dear miami,
first of all boo how is you only 16 in community college? that sound bootleg. now that you done moved on up like george and weezy you don't need no advice from me. you got this. be yaself. step to her like look herr mami. i think you kinda fly. do ya thug thizzle. we want soldiers. we want a dude that's gone hold us down. feel me? go on out and watch a bronx tale. ole boy had that that that thang in that flick. i will tell you this. don't be puttin ya mob biz out in the skreets like dat. just do you and you will be skrait. 

Dear Black Girl,
I have a deep question. Why do black girls only focus on the size of mens pockets and not there heart? I have a girl I like but she does not like me because I only make $24,000 a year. I have a good heart. What can I do to prove to her that I am worthy?
– 24k

dear 24k,
is this a joke? i needed a good laugh today. lookahere small change, that good heart shit ain't going across the street. how old is you anyways making that much money trynna get that poor girl to like you? you oughtta be shot. our hair and gear alone cost 24 big ones a year. let me put it like this, there ain't nothing you can do to win her over. cause e'rrythang you can't do another dude can and she gone be wit it. but here is a twist. make her your homegirl. lay low and be therr for her no matter what. be smoov wit yours. in the end you will get the buddy and the booty!

Love My Tender

Lisa Marie Presley was the sole heir to Elvis Presley's estate. So, of course, she's selling it. Sure, she'll keep the house and its 13 acres of Memphis turf and some of Daddy's personal stuff. But she's selling virtually everything else, including rights to the King's name and image, in a deal worth approximately $100 million. Elvis Presley Enterprises Inc. announced the agreement Thursday. It will sell 85 percent of its assets to businessman Robert FX Sillerman, founder of music and sports promoter SFX Entertainment. In return, Lisa Marie will get $53 million in cash up front, have the $25 million debt owed by the estate absolved, and receive shares in SFX said to be worth more than $20 million. Daddy earned $45 million last year, despite being dead. Tours of Graceland, which will continue, draw 650,000 fans a year. (My Way)

Addressed to Kill

good question. but if the recent elections are any indication, jesus is a lock to win against santa -- he's got a rich daddy.

thanks for alerting the general public to the Voluptuous Horror of the Star Wars Holiday Special, by the way. i saw bea arthur's one-woman show a few years back on broadway and made t-shirts emblazoned with the image of bea hugging the giant rat in her musical number (the caption read, predictably, "may the force bea with you"). miz zbornak was less-than-amused.

i'm a huge fan of the wow report, btw. you're what i want to be when i grow up.

– buzz
(www.campblood.org)

Will Success Spoil William Hung?

What? Did he eat the profits from his debut album?

Mingle in the Jingle

Santa. Jesus. Santa. Jesus, Santa. Who to follow this time of year is not as clear cut as the recent presidential election. But the country is just as divided. So the WOW Report was wondering who would win in a Santa Claus vs Jesus Christ battle if they couldn't use their superpowers. OK, also if they could use them.

Santa's Face

We may have the wrong man...

Regular readers of British Intelligence (that’s you, Mother) will know that WOW London is not the biggest fan of Christmas. Presents and all are fine, but with Jingle Bells muzak running from October these days in every shop and coffee house, I get a bit fed up with it. I’ve also found that I’m allergic to Christmas trees, and can you guess whose desk is closest to the enormous one in the World of Wonder London office?! One thing about menorahs – they don’t make you sneeze.

But I have always liked Santa. It’s a nice idea – a kind soul who gives to children; an ideal we can all aspire to. And now the BBC is going to ruin this last bastion of good within Christmas. Bah Humbug indeed!

A new BBC documentary, The Real Face of Santa, is set to dig up the real Mr Claus.

In a sacred crypt in the southern Italian town of Bari, the remains of St Nicholas have scarcely been touched in over 1000 years. Now a forensic pathologist from Bari, Professor Francesco Introna, is piecing together historical and forensic clues to reveal new details about the life of Saint Nicholas. With a team of forensic reconstruction experts he uses Saint Nicholas' skull to build a facial reconstruction that reveals his true likeness.

By the way, WOW London, it seems, has earned a new nickname within the world of World of Wonder. Following our posting the other day, all about Britney’s "dog" Bit-bit, emails have been filtering through addressed to a Brit-brit. Felled, once again, by our own sword.

Sitings

• The 12 STDs of Christmas. (t/y Eduardo)
• Don't worry, smokers. Santa has presents for you.
• If these are dreams, fill up the hot water bottle, heat up the milk, we're coming to bed. (popbitch)
• Mario Bros. on ice, with Jason Bateman and Alyssa Milano. (t/y Pam)

Paintings by Anna Nicole Smith

Don't laugh. She's good.

Thanks, Moye