Art Smart: 'Gadzooks,' Said the Prince

A new portrait of Prince Philip, husband and consort to Queen Elizabeth II, has reared its ugly head, according to cnn.com. Philip, who sat four times for the artist, Stuart Pearson, was said to have exclaimed, "Gadzooks! As long as I don't have to have it on my wall," when the canvas was unveiled. (He's the diplomat who once said of Asians, "If it has four legs and is not a chair, they will eat it.") The portrait, titled Homo sapiens, Lepidium sativum and Calliphora vomitoria, the scientific names for human, cress, and bluebottle, depicts him shirtless with a fly on his shoulder. A London art gallery is selling it for $45,000.

In the painting, Philip points up with his right index finger, which sprouts four strands of cress. Pearson Wright said they symbolize the prince's four children.

The H Might Stand for Hasbro

"It's like Mel Gibson's Passion without the hassle," says David Manning of the Ridgefield Press, so you know it comes highly recommended by a real critic. It's the Jesus Christ action figure available now on eBay.

Recently Dead

The very first person one saw at the door of the very first Playboy Club, in Chicago, on its very first night, in 1960, was Bonnie Jo Halpin, who was wearing the now-legendary, then-skimpy satin bunny costume with rabbit ears, cottontail, white cuffs and collar, and black bowtie. She was the club's "door bunny." "It's quite appropriate to refer to her as the very first bunny," said Playboy founder Hugh Hefner after hearing of her death, at age 65, last month. "She was a very special lady." Halpin died in her West Hollywood apartment after she was injured in a hit-and-run accident. The Los Angeles County Coroner's office said her death was caused by an accidental overdose of the painkiller Vicodin.

Victor Lownes, who was a partner with Hefner and restaurateur Arnie Morton in the Playboy Clubs, posted this message on the Ex Playboy Bunnies Message Board:

Sad news... I received this message from Hef.

"I thought you would want to know that Bonnie Jo Halpin has died. She was badly hurt in a cross-walk hit-and-run accident two or three months ago, but the actual cause of death was apparently an overdose of Vicadin."

Bonnie was one of the original Bunnies at the first Club in Chicago. She was also on the cover of an issue of the magazine in 1962. She kept her looks and was a keen jogger, running several miles every day. (That was probably how she was hit by the driver.)

I kept in touch with Bonnie over the years, and she visited my wife and me in Aspen several years ago. Bonnie Jo had a marvellously appealing ingenuousness that gave her childlike charm that stayed with her into her 60's.

What a Dick

Russia's very first museum devoted entirely to erotica was founded, aptly perhaps, by a physician at the Prostate Center of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, reports Pravda. Dr. Igor Knyazkin's museum in St. Petersburg sports more than 15,000 items and, to distinguish itself from other such museums in Asia, Europe, and the US, St. Pete will feature something rather mad.

Petersburg's museum plans to exhibit a rather unique item--Grigory Rasputin's penis. "Having such unique item on display, we can stop envying  America that treasures Napoleon Bonaparte's reproductive organ," states Igor Knyazkin. "In 1970s, Napoleon's genitals have been sold to an American urologist at an auction for $4,000 USD. Napoleon's private part however is just a mere pod in comparison to our 30-centimeter long organ."

However, at the odd Website anotheramerica.org, it's said that "We've lost track of Rasputin's privates."

Rasputin lost track of them when he was beaten, stabbed, shot, strangled and castrated, shortly before his death by drowning in the river Neva. His maid was said to have found it while cleaning up the apartment, after the murder.  In Paris of the 1920s a cult of Russian women were said to worship an object believed to be the  organ in question.  This object was later acquired by his only surviving child,  Marie Rasputin.  Upon acquiring it she was inspired to become a ventriloquist and later became a celebrated animal trainer.  She traveled to South America and joined a Circus in Buenos Ares. She  wrote a book with the assistance of Dr. Roberta Ripple attempting to mitigate the abuse history had bestowed upon her father's memory and member.  Marie died in California in 1977, somewhat short of her ambition.  A storage locker containing items belonging to the subsequently deceased Dr. Ripple was purchased by a Michael Augustine of Northern California. A black wizened object was found in a velvet pouch. Marie's manuscript and the wizened object were sold at Bonham's auction in 1994, in London for three hundred and fifty pounds, to a person or persons unknown. The missing member was last seen, held aloft, at a press conference at the auction house.  It was displayed by  Victoria Blakely-Porter who. of the two, is the only one who fielded questions.

Get Lost

This is foundmagazine.com, one of those wonderful sites that can waste a lot of your time, like the dot-com lands of disturbingauctions and theimaginaryworld.

Reef Madness

Dr. Reef Karim, who begins his hosting and sleuthing duties tonight on the premiere ep of House of Clues on Court TV, is, of course, both a clinical psychiatrist and a behavioral profiler and is himself profiled along with the show, sort of, in today's tvguide.com. But--quel oversight!--the guide makes no mention of the doctor's burgeoning movie career. He's the star of Flavors, a comedy from directors Krishna D.K. and Raj Nidimoru that Variety called "likable" with "credible actors, snappy dialogue and an upbeat tone." I guess that would be Jollywood. (Trailers)

The Passion of the Chris

Chris McKim on the 4th floor just sent this to the WOW Report, calling it Hot Priest Blog. Hmm. As tasty as a communion wafer. And just as dry.

My hobbies are reading, music, museums, spending time with friends, travel, and computers. I'm interested in seeing more theatre and opera now that I am back in America. My preference in art tends to the classical and the high Baroque, and the Baroque is also my favorite musical period. I enjoy long dinners with warm pasta, abundant red wine, good company, and interesting conversation.

They check in at manned guardhouses, waiting to be sealed inside their gated communities, where they obey countless rules written into their deeds. They grow only approved flowers and walk dogs no taller than 16 inches. They choose window treatments with trepidation, afraid a peeping neighbor might report a deviant swag to their homeowner's association -- which can and will foreclose on rebels. They endure these indignities for one reason: order.

Last May, he wore women's earrings at "The Matrix Reloaded" premiere. At the time, the estranged husband of an alleged Los Angeles dominatrix told newspapers that Wachowski was a client of his wife. The source said he had seen Larry "in her bondage room...lying there in a dress, no panties and a blond wig."

Addressed to Kill: Our Readers Write

I SMELL SOMETHING FUNKY

I found this post about the Tye's a little curious.  I first learned about the show on here where there were plenty of judgmental, nasty and hysterical quotes from viewers posted by y'all along with an invite to jump in and offer our own, um, thoughts on the posting boards.   I actually watched the second show and didn't find the posted comments too far off the mark. 

What's more, if Mom & Emily come across as anything less than they really are I'd put that on the producers before anyone else.  The "reality" scam has been going on way too long for us not to know producers shape these people, through the magic of editing, into ideas and stereotypes that make good TV regardless how real or sincere they are outside the program. 

If anyone has a judgmental thought about mom or daughter its in direct response to how they were portrayed/edited.  I love the WOW site and check it often, just-- I think this particular post stanks some. 

Why not show the lovely dinner y'all had?  I'll tell you why, shitty TV.  Y'all created the monster, pointed me and others in the direction of where to sling the mud and now you're crying victim on their behalf?  C'mon.

Michael Walsh

Poetry

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
But Jill actually fell into the well and emerged 17 years later a pornolicious babe in the pages of Stuff magazine

You were so young. It must have been scary to be stuck in a well. It totally was.

The Silence of the Porn

Another, unnamed, femaie adult film industry worker has tested positive for HIV, reports avn.com. The industry's medical watchdog, AIM, did not release the identity of the woman who is among the first-generation because everyone she had worked with had already been quarantined. The current outbreak began with Darren James, who most likely caught the virus while working in Brazil, and the 12 women who worked with him during the time he was positive were placed on the first-generation list, and their partners on the second-generation list. Most of the adult-film studios have stopped production for 60 days in the hope of containing the virus. There's been some controversy over AIM's policy of publishing names of the HIV-positive.

"This is a testimony to the containment system because for the first time in AIM's history we do not and will not [disclose the identity of the HIV-positive performer]," AIM's executive director Sharon Mitchell, PhD, told AVN.com. "We don't expect there to be a second-generation in her case, because everyone has been placed in quarantine for 60 days. So far all of the males have come in for testing. We are in contact with all first-generation parties for this female and are retesting each individual as fast as we can."

Paris Hilton's Name Here

Albert Crudo, The Birth of Paris, 2003, oil on canvas, 32"X48"

What's all this about that faddish Poconos noodle sack that's suddenly everywhere now that it was spotted on Paris Hilton's shoulder. It looks too heavy to be comfortable, with its electronics "bay window" and sterling silver closings--and Tinkerbelle's little head sticking out. But when it comes to trend, heft (and cost) never has a say.

Ear Whacks

Ahh, the sounds of World of Wonder. Ever "wonder" what those sounds could be? They're a thing of beauty and, knowing how discerning you are, your worst nightmare. And those of you with iTunes 4.0 can enjoy them until your ears bleed, and they will. We put out a general call for personal playlists among the staff here, merged the entries, then purged those not available on iTunes. The result is this WOW Top 40 List, ready for your iPod. Those of you deep into nitpicking will note there are actually 43 to sample.

Scartoons

Bruce takes the elevator to the 9999th floor. Terrorists have taken over the building. His wife is in trouble. What should he do? This hilarious two-minute Die Hard takes more time to describe than to watch.

Tye Food

The Tyes are in from Clearwater, Florida, spending a week in Los Angeles, doing things that outta-state people with kids do here (glam hotel, Universal Studios, Legoland). Last night, World of Wonder treated Debbie and David, Brendan and Emily, and Grandma Susan to dinner at Vert, the Wolfgang Puck brasserie inside the Hollywood & Highland shopping and entertainment complex. The producers and crew and sundry others involved in Bravo's hit six-part reality series, Showbiz Moms & Dads (of which Debbie and Emily are undisputed stars), joined them in a sprawling, almost-family reunion.

Since the series' premiere on April 13, Debbie and five-year-old Emily have been the victims of misguided criticism on Internet message boards and in chat rooms, with posters likening Emily to JonBenet Ramsey and Debbie to a cruel Svengalina who works her child to the bone on the kiddie pageant circuit. And that's just unfair. It comes, I think, from a preconceived notion of what stage mothers are like and the damaging effect they can have on their children, and they read it into every little infraction of parenting they think they see in Debbie. People like to see villains on TV. At dinner, it was obvious that Emily and her mom have a great bond. Debbie is much softer and thinner in person. And looks younger. Well, the camera adds 10 pounds, 10 years, and apparently 10 cents' worth of other people's opinions. Emily was not in bouffant with tiara and eyeshadow, nor did she jump onto the table, swivel her tiny hips, and sing into a Mr. Microphone; that's for the runway. She was polite and quiet, almost boringly normal. Between bites of food, she drew with markers and crayons on the backs of menus, and at the end of the long evening, she cried when she realized it was over. "This is what you call past her bedtime," said Grandma, laughing. "It's two o'clock in the morning at home."

I asked to take a couple of the drawings Emily had made during dinner so I could post them here, and I noticed that on one she'd written her name, um, creatively. "When she's tired," Debbie said, "she'll write her name backwards." And who doesn't?

Dog-Walking Sparks Fear--and Sparks--in NYC

People have long been murdered, maimed, and mugged in New York City. Of course, being beaten, burglarized, and bullied is part of the city's charm--like the garbage strikes and filthy snow--and its citizens put up with it. Now, go figure, they're drawing the line at random electrocution, reports Reuters. Lately, walking a dog over a grate, manhole cover, or service box (what's a service box?) can kill both pet and owner. Jodie Lane, a 30-year-old doctoral student, was fried when she walked her two dogs over a metal plate in the East Village. The plate was electrified by a faulty underground cable. Luckily, the two dogs survived, but now New Yorkers are taking alternate routes on their poopy puppy walks. Shocking.

"I feel like I am being obsessive compulsive, but I don't walk on grates any more, I don't walk on the electrical covers, I totally avoid them," said dog owner Joanna Murphy, who has walked her German Shepherd "Emmy" in the East Village for the past decade. Murphy was "horrified," said she, when she heard the news [about Lane].

Der Maus

Adolf Hitler, the Hidden Fuhrer, may have had a secret that plagued him, but what darkness lurks inside Mickey Mouse that would have children and adults worldwide searching for the Hidden Mickey?

Yesterdayland

When the Imagineers at Disneyland meet the theimaginaryworld.com and are posted on World of Wonder's WOW Report, well, it's time to pack up the station wagon and take a trip back in time to when the happiest place on earth really was.

Listomania

In its latest issue, Blender magazine compiles a list of the 50 Worst Songs Ever. You'll find only the bottom 10 here if you don't subscribe. We don't. But many of your favorite tunes lie within. No. 48 is the Beatles' 1968 "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da." "You can practically hear them gritting their teeth," says a reviewer at the mag.

The Beatles proved conclusively that there were two things they could not do: play reggae and feign enjoyment. “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” was a ska track recorded at a point during the White Album sessions when the Beatles would happily have beaten one another to death if only they had had some clubs on hand. As a result, this sounds less like reggae than the desperately chirpy songs Cockneys used to sing to keep their spirits up while the Luftwaffe rained death on them during the Blitz. Worst Moment: The woefully unconvincing laughter in the final line: “If you want some fun —heh-heh-heh-heh! — take ob-la-di-bla-da!”

Recapitulations

There's this guy, Chris Eades I believe he's called, who watches TV shows "so you don't have to," then lays into them on his Website, recaps, in such painstaking detail that during the analness of it all you can actually feel your own hemorrhoids forming as you read. Unlike the Cliffs Notes series that condenses plots, recaps seems to expand them. Recently, he took a look at WOW's Bravo series, Showbiz Moms & Dads. When read aloud, it sounds just like narration for the gay blind.

When we return from commercials, it's time to join Debbie2 as she phones her son's old agent. In an interview, she explains that as a child, Shane did a lot of commercials and modeling (we see some photos) but then a car accident put the kibosh on his career. They make an appointment for Tuesday, and we cut to them entering the garage office of Evelyn Stewart's Modeling & Talent Agency. I love all these people who work out of their garages! It's so suburban! Evelyn is impressed by how much Shane has grown, and they sit down on the couch to discuss his career. Amusingly while she's decorated the office with lovely furniture, behind the couch is the garage door, which just looks so wonderfully tacky. Fantastic!

Wrap Wars

Tom the techie notes that World of Wonder's wrap party for nothing really at all was so more best than VH1's wrap party for Best Week Ever, both apparently held on the same night. "Ours was much better," says Tom. "Plus, we're definitely a better looking group." Gotta agree there, though I don't mean to start a feud. We love stereogum.com and Uncle Grambo, and invite it and him to our next party.

House of Corrections

If the blog seems lame today--all day--it's because it is and because the air conditioning on this floor is broken and it's the hottest day any of us can remember, although we're having trouble with normal body functions, like remembering things. Tom the techie, who is at the moment lying on the floor seeing if he can wring sweat out of his T-shirt, clocked the temperature on this floor at 98. He, like some of the programs he installs, is shutting down. And so am I.

Art Smart: Crudo Oil

I've known Albert Crudo since the early '80s in New York City. He dressed the almost undressable Michael Musto, who was not quite the iconic bon vivant he is now--although it was imminent. Some of Crudo's outfits helped. It was Crudo who accompanied Musto to one of the last nights of the legendary Area nightclub, both dressed fabulously in diapers. Crudo was so outré that I once dubbed him the Gayest Man in New York. I'm happy to say he hasn't lost any of his appeal. On his Website, which presents his Art for Intense People, he speaks very highly of himself, as expected.

A steady diet of Strawberry Quik and Chef Boyardee Beef-a-roni compounded the mental deviation that would make him one of the most visionary artists of our times. Crudo's work is expressed in a variety of mediums, including 3-dimensional sculpture, still & live installations, as well as traditional photographyand oil painting. Always pushing the limits of what is rational, Crudo's imagery will leave scars. You are not forgetting these images. Crudo considers his work HYPERMODERN.

Def-intions: The New Vocabulary

cankle n. the area of the body where calf meets ankle without a defined separation

And Mr. Bailey would like me to remind you that, as one of the plastic surgeons on The Swan said one night, "It's a scalpel, not a magic wand."

Rock Paper Scissors

Two ways to keep your lovelife exciting:
Navel odor
Fun with paper

One exciting lovelife:
Don't you think?

Part and Party To

Bossman Randy Barbato threw an all-purpose wrap party for World of Wonder staff at his woodland house in Hollywood. Projects had been finished or were finishing and new shows were starting or being edited. The party would afford an opportunity for everyone to let loose, get drunk, socialize, and end up fully dressed in the pool. Or elsewhere. Randy had burned a CD for the occasion, the poolside bar was stocked and the tenders of the alcohol were told to be generous, hors d'oeuvres were passed frequently among the guests packed onto the courtyard up to pool's edge. Guests also took expeditions through the house, peered down at the goings-on from an upstairs bedroom terrace. There were jolly exchanges of conversation, there were emotional outbursts, there was saliva exchange, incidences of possible sexual harrassment, and the inevitable "unexpected" fall into the pool. Later, at the police station, the kind policewoman, leafing through reams of paperwork, would come to the question asking when I had last eaten. "At the party," I said. "What did you eat?" "Hors d'oeuvres," I said. She looked down at the form in her lap. "Hors d'oeuvres? Oh dear." She wrote "appetizers" in the space.

Art Smart: No Snooze

The National Portrait Gallery in London has just installed a 67-minute film of England soccer captain, Real Madrid midfielder, and Posh Spice's cheating husband, David Beckham, asleep in bed, purportedly nude. The film, shown on a continuous loop, was shot in a Madrid hotel room by British art darling, Sam Taylor-Wood, and is called, aptly, "David," an intentional reference to Michelangleo's classic sculpture against which all male physiques are judged. Next up: Robbie Williams encased in Perspex?

The film, made in January before Beckham was hit by claims he cheated on pop star wife Victoria with his former assistant Rebecca Loos, appears to show him naked, with only his head and torso visible. The viewer takes the vantage point of someone lying by his side. "I believe he's having a siesta after one of his morning training sessions," said the gallery's Hazel Sutherland, who denied Beckham might have been pretending. "His mum came in yesterday and confirmed he's definitely sleeping. Who would know better than her?" (reuters.com)

Stevie Guide: Network Rivals on Same 'Team'

Hmm. Fox's Adam Brody is in a band. So that would be The OC's Seth Cohen on drums in the band Stevens Team. Why Stevens Team? Don't know. Nor do I know where the apostrophe went. But I do know that the WB's Bret Harrison plays guitar in it. That would be Grounded for Life's Bradley O'Keefe. Both shows are on my weekly watch. Sorry, no mp3s to download yet.

Recently Dead

Estee Lauder, the innovative cosmetics queen who became as respected as Mother Teresa and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, died Saturday of cardiopulmonary arrest in her Manhattan home. She was probably 97. From humble beginnings in Queens, New York, she turned the business she cooked up as a teenager in her kitchen into an empire worth billions worldwide and, in 1998, was the only woman on Time magazine's list of the 20 most influential geniuses of business of the 20th century. The Los Angeles Times notes that the dynamo doyenne was the first to offer a gift with purchase, now commonplace.

Lauder, who was very protective of her birth date and other personal information, began life as Josephine Esther Mentzer — one of six children of Jewish immigrants from Hungary who lived above the family's hardware store in the working-class neighborhood of Corona, Queens. She entered the beauty business armed only with a flawless complexion, an uncle's face cream formula and unlimited ambition to succeed. . . . Her company's labels — Estee Lauder, Clinique, Origins, Prescriptives and Aramis — became bestsellers around the globe. In 2003, net sales of all products sold in 130 countries by the Estee Lauder companies (which went public in 1995) reached $5.12 billion.

The Times also reports that a New York businessman whose wives and girlfriends believed was involved in espionage throughout his life and whom a friend called "the original James Bond" died of heart disease on April 15 in Manhattan, at 83. Or is that what he wants us to believe? Thomas Corbally had little documented service as a spy--he was with the Office of Strategic Services during World War II--but his life as a socialite was "cloaked in mystery" and intrigue. He worked for a security consulting company and counted among his friends movie stars, King Hussein of Jordan, and secret party girl Mother Teresa. Corbally was a key informant in Britain's scandalous 1963 Profumo Affair (Soviet embassy, call girl, secrets), which involved Buckingham Palace and led to the resignation of British war minister John Profumo (and the excellent 1989 movie Scandal). Sophisticated mischief.

Corbally, an immaculate dresser who looked like Jason Robards and sounded like Johnny Cash, has also been described by Hollywood's Robert Evans, a lifelong friend, as "the quintessential playboy of the '40s and '50s." The lifestyle as international playboy, coupled with Corbally's vague positions with businesses he seemed to know nothing about, certainly provided appropriate cover for any spying he might have done.

Doubled Features

Drive, He said, She Said Swish! Julia Roberts and Rupert Everett team as rival basketball coaches who tell two very different stories about the big game. Hollywood wags are already calling the Jack Nicholson-directed romantic comedy The Two Jokes.

Peyton Places in the Heart Depression-era weepie with Sally Field as a Texas widow operating a cotton farm in a small New England town. Between warring with her lesbian daughter (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and romancing a two-timing octogenarian (Robert DeNiro), Field finds plenty of time to meddle in the sex lives of her not-so-straightlaced neighbors. Screenplay by Harmony Korine from an idea by Freddie Prinze, Jr. Directed by Abel Ferrara.

They Call Me MISTER Chips! Ebonic plague. Sinbad joins the faculty of an English boarding school--with hilarious results. Directed by Abel Ferrara.

8 1/2 Dalmations La Carne Vita. Anticipated as the most intensely personal artistic statement ever attempted by Disney, this gorgeous black-and-white animated feature follows a canine movie director (voiced by Anthony Hopkins) as he wrestles with doubts and insecurities during the making of his autobiographical film-within-a-film. With its surreal dreams and flashbacks, circus imagery, religous symbolism, and litter of over-the-top critters, critics are already coining the word "Disneyesque" to describe it. With Anouk Aimee as the voice of Cruella DeVil and Parker Posey as the director's bitch. In doggerel with Italian subtitles.

GLAAD in 30 Seconds

The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) is sponsoring a national "I Do" competition to create a 30-second TV commercial to promote the rights of same-sex couples to marry. It's similar in concept to MoveOn's Bush in 30 Seconds contest. GLAAD is inviting amateur and professional filmmakers to submit commercial spots for consideration.

The 30-second spots should speak to a mainstream audience and can be in any form of moving image from live-action to animation, as long as the finished version is of broadcast quality. The spots will be evaluated according to overall impact, originality, memorable content and delivery and a clear message. GLAAD will air the winning spot in key markets over the summer and through the year. The deadline for submissions is June 1, 2004. The winner will be announced on July 12, 2004. Official contest rules, technical requirements and application form are available online at www.glaad.org/ido.

A panel of celebrity judges will choose the winning spot from a group of finalists selected by GLAAD. The judges include producer Craig Zadan (“Chicago”), comedian Margaret Cho (“Notorious C.H.O.”), director Jane Anderson ("Normal"), writer/director Kevin Williamson (“Scream”), actor Judith Light (“The Stones”), director Paris Barclay (“The West Wing”), producer Bruce Cohen (“American Beauty”) and writer/actor Heather Juergensen (“Kissing Jessica Stein”). Additional celebrity judges will be announced in the coming weeks.

The Courtship of Eddie Seda

Michael Alig, never one to miss an opportunity for more press exposure, as if a documentary, a feature movie, and countless print stories are not enough, roped New York magazine writer Esther Haynes into helping him with his autobiography (what more is there?) and, while he had her in Attica, turned her on to the hot romance of Zodiac Killer Eddie Seda and his tranny girlfriend Synthia China-Blast in a cell block down the hall. Captivating.

The Attica visiting room has the feel of a high-school cafeteria, except the lunch monitors carry pepper spray and handcuffs. Vending machines line one wall, Disney characters and ocean murals decorate the others, and couples sit at the numbered square tables, trying to steal kisses or a touch. The prisoners in protective custody must sit in the front row, closest to the officers. When Eddie Seda walks over to my assigned spot, I’m surprised at how handsome he is, with short black hair, innocent-looking eyes, and a shy smile that never leaves his face. He was voted “most fuckable perp” by a group of female journalists who covered his arrest in 1996. Sentenced to life in prison and not eligible for parole until he turns 264, he tells me he’s slowly getting used to the fact that he’s never going to see freedom again.

Stevie Guide: Idol Worship

The brewing brouhaha over the shocking voter outcome on the last American Idol is now percolating into accusations of wrongdoing. E! Entertainment Television online reports that Internet message boards are buzzing with conspiracy theories (wacky hackers!) to explain the sudden dismissal of Fantasia, LaToya, and Jennifer, undoubtedly the best vocalist of the bunch. But not, like, absolutely everyone is up in arms over the final six.

The bloc of 13-and-under female viewers, the same group that powered Clay Aiken's run last year, has thrown its considerable weight behind John Stevens, who appears to be the least talented of the remaining performers. Writes a fan called Hatchery, "I have a feeling John Stevens will win! He is so special, and he improves every week. His version of 'Mandy' was spectacular...The momentum is building for you! We're going to vote over and over and over again--we'll make you the new American Idol!"

Def-initions: The New Vocabulary

boho n. a woman obsessed with receiving botox injections

botoxication n. the feeling of euphoria that comes with looking younger as a result of botox injections

Eurostash n. a hidden Swiss bank account

fauxletariat n. one who slums for effect; a person of means who pretends to be one with the working class

newzak n. puffy, forgettable entertainment-news stories seen on television and in magazines

Parisite n. a fashionable young woman who dresses like Paris Hilton, often pl.

persistify v. to insistently persist

Giving Off That Certain Air

Take Back Your Life Again! - No Need to Remain Trapped in Your Home!
Now you can go out in public without fear of embarrassment due to the odor of excessive intestinal gas - FLATULENCE - caused by any reason or condition! Say Good-bye to malodorous gas -PERMANENTLY! Live Life Again!

Insane Krump Posse

Lavish video director and fashion photographer David LaChapelle made his filmmaking debut with Krumped, a 24-minute documentary on a group of crazy underground dancers in Los Angeles, which screened at this year's Sundance festival. Variety's Sharon Swart talked to the photographer in January.

"What Nirvana was to rock-and-roll in early '90s is what these kids are to hip hop. It's the alternative to the bling-bling, tie-in-with-a-designer corporate hip-hop thing," says LaChapelle, who spent eight months filming in Compton, Long Beach and Watts. "There are fifty of these clown groups and they battle each other. It sometimes looks like they are fighting; it's very athletic and aggressive. The velocity of it is mind-boggling." LaChapelle, who stumbled on the phenom when shooting the video for Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty," has about 40 hours of unedited footage for a potential full-length feature. "I never had interest in doing a doc but this had to be documented."

Not Safe for Work

The clickable photo at left and this animated link are not related. Except that they both feature delicate creatures who rarely come out of their shells.

I'm figuring this, unfortunately, is a hoax. Please, correct me if I'm wrong.

By the way, it's Bring Your Child to Work Day; should you really be on this page right now?

Here's an after-lunch update to this post. Might as well keep all the erotica--if that's what you call it--in one (wet) spot. So, this sort of thing can be found here.

What's Newer? (The Update Post)

Sad to say, but the tiger store across the street that caught our fancy has gone out of business, cleared out, gathered up its plushies and left, without so much as a going-out-of-business sale. Perhaps because it was never in business. Speculation is rampant here in the halls of WOW. Was it a front? Were the white tigers stuffed with smack? Did a mention in the WOW Report scare them away? We'll never know.

Apparently, the National Enquirer is now in the business of reporting facts. That item I elaborated on two days ago, about Kiefer Sutherland knocking back J&B at the sleazy after-hours bar Spotlight at 9 in the morning, has been semi-corroborated by a WOW staffer. The employee, who agreed to speak only on the condition of anonymity, says he found it curious a few weeks ago that a solitary Sutherland would park his late-model Range Rover in front of the World of Wonder building on Hollywood Boulevard at 9 AM and then walk in the direction of Cahuenga. Now the WOW spy figures the 24 star was probably hoofing it to Spotlight.

And back in the 1970s, when Fenton Bailey was a teen in England, he nearly made it into the Guinness Book of World Records (the co-founder of which recently died). Seems Bailey crawled on his hands and knees for 15 miles in a charity event to benefit the Waylands Mental Asylum. The journey took nine hours and would have been a record for in the rarefied world of crawling had the Guinness people shown up.

The Other Janet

The other day, in the Washington Post's style section (oxymoronic?), Robin Givhan commented on the sartorial splendor of witnesses testifying before the commission investigating the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. "Human nature typically causes folks to take a few extra moments in front of a mirror when they know they are going to spend a large part of their day being interrogated under oath in front of an audience," she said.

[E]ach has, to one degree or another, displayed the conscientious grooming of a television anchor, a job applicant or a prep schooler trying desperately to avoid detention. The men all wear freshly starched shirts with not a wrinkle or curled collar point visible. Each hair is in place. Indeed, Condoleezza Rice's flip seemed hewn from granite and Louis Freeh's "Untouchables" crew cut looked freshly buzzed. Everyone's jacket was pristine, as though a valet had given it the once-over with a lint brush and steamer. American flag pins were in position on their lapels.

Her suit was the color of mud -- the sort of soft muck formed by rainwater and ashy city soil that has been leached of all its nutrients. It is a shade of non-black that on television and in photographs flatters no one except perhaps the rare green-eyed redhead with alabaster skin. Reno didn't choose navy or even taupe. Those colors might have suggested strength or tranquillity or some other mood that might be advantageous to project to her inquisitors. Reno chose mud.

The Color Brown

In his Village Voice column, Michael Musto relates how he spent some time in New York with Kathy Griffin, the insult comic dog, and what she said about Las Vegas and Elton John's David LaChapelle-directed show, The Red Piano.

"You've got to go there!" she gushed. "It's a shit storm. DAVID LACHAPELLE's staging for the ELTON JOHN show is like a gay Abercrombie & Fitch ad for two hours. It even broke my gay ceiling. It turns out 'Daniel' is about a 16-year-old model who's lying down heaving and looking super-hot, like he might start to jerk off in a minute. Then he goes to Vietnam and it's a statement about 'Why must there be war? Why must so many hot guys die?' " Not to mention so many audience members. "People were walking out," said Griffin. "It's a little avant-garde for Vegas."

Mistress of the. . .World

Apparently, it's been Assistants Day all day. Who knew. Randy and Fenton knew, I suppose because they're the only ones here to have an assistant. Or should I say share an assistant. Moye Ishimoto does the work of two separate gorillas, because she's the executive assistant to both Randy and Fenton. That can't be pleasant. Following, their appreciations of her.

Sez Fenton: Poor Moye is the latest to have drawn the short straw signing up for a life of depredation and hardship. Assistants day always reminds me of that scene in Swimming With Sharks, in which Kevin Spacey terrorizes his assistant for bringing him the wrong sweetener; he wants the one in the blue packet not the pink (er, shouldn't that be the other way round). Fortunately, I'm not like that because I don't take sugar. On the other hand, Moye does get plenty of exercise powerwalking Hollywood Boulevard from the office to Starbucks and back. But it's cheaper than joining the gym.


Sez Randy: Moye Moye Moye, how do you like it, how do you like it? Today's WOW assistant is tomorrow's master of the universe. We have been fortunate to have the world's greatest assistantsthrough the years, and they have all gone on to do great things. Thairin Smothers went from assistant to uber producer! Jim Galasso went from assistant to head of development! And we are convinced that our current assistant is destined for equally great things! We will be working for her quite soon. For sure.

Captain's Blog

This site was sent over from fleshbot with the accompanying message: gayest. site. EVER. I suppose I could work this into a Fleshbot post somehow, but then again ... do I want to?

Well, The WOW Report has almost no shame. We'll post anything. In fact, we think the above site could be even gayer. But have we become the repository for items too gay or pathetic to blog elsewhere? Bring it on.

Recently Dead

Norris McWhirter, who 50 years ago co-founded the Guinness Book of Records, died Monday of a heart attack that struck while he was playing tennis at his home in Wiltshire, England. He was 78. The LA Times reports that McWhirter started the book series with his identical twin brother, Ross (who was shot dead by the Irish Republican Army in 1975), in 1954 and edited, compiled, researched, and authenticated it until his reluctant retirement in 1986. The book was originally established at the request of Guinness Brewery honcho Sir Hugh Beaver as a means to settle pub arguments (seems the fastest species of gamebird could not be determined with existing reference books). The books eventually came to sell 1 million copies a year.

During his long tenure, McWhirter was a hands-on compiler and editor, reading every page proof, reviewing evidence establishing the records and often visiting the claimants personally. He visited sites in 91 countries, including remote Japanese islands to meet the world's oldest man; see the driest place on earth (the Atacama desert in Chile, where it hasn't rained in 400 years); and meet the man with the biggest feet (size 22.5) and the woman who lost the most weight (749 pounds). He could reel off factoids — the first contact lens was invented in 1887 and 840,000 people died in an earthquake in Xian, China, in 1551.

A heart attack also claimed the life of Jim Cantalupo, chairman and CEO of McDonald's Corp. The 60-year-old was attending the McDonald's international franchisees convention in Orlando when the attack occurred. Cantalupo had been lauded for bringing the company out of its economic slump when he oversaw the proliferation of it restaurants worldwide in the 1980s and '90s. This early death from a heart attack can't look good for the company though.

Condomnation

Back in 1998, the straight adult film industry went into a panic when five of its performers tested positive for AIDS. In a kind of multibillion-dollar sexual summit, the major porn producers, including Vivid, Metro, VCA, and Video Team, met in Studio City, California, and formalized a condoms-only policy. Six years later, there are only two studios that have that policy.

"After the outbreak in 1998, there was a bunch of companies that were gonna be mandatory condom," Vivid president Steve Hirsch tells The WOW Report. "But they didn’t stick with it because they felt it was really hurting their sales. But we made the decision to forego some of the income to protect the people on the set. It definitely hurt our sales both internationally and domestically. People don’t like to watch movies with condoms because they feel that it takes the fantasy away. And in addition to that, there are fewer men who can work with condoms—they can’t—so they have raised their prices to shoot. And it takes longer to shoot a scene with a condom. Put all that together and it absolutely costs us more money and affects our sales. But when you get right down to it, it’s not always about sales, it’s about protecting the people who work for you."

After last week's AIDS outbreak, with two adult stars testing poz and about 50 performers in quarantine, Vivid, Porno Valley's largest adult-film producer, decided to halt production "until we see the final list of all the people who are quarantined," says Hirsch. "Obviously, we don't want to be using those people as they go through their continuous testing." The continuous testing is provided by Adult Industry Medical (AIM), which keeps a frequently updated list of condom-only or condom-optional companies and performers. Most major porn producers honor the health group's quarantine list. Performers who have worked with HIV-positive actors must test HIV "not detected" before their names are removed from the temporary quarantine list.

"AIM was the first group to find out that Darren James was positive," Hirsch says, "and from there they did their genealogy to figure out who was and who wasn’t affected by it, who was affected first line and then second line. But after we see that list, we will probably go right back into production, not using those people, using newer people, and we’ll go back to our mandatory condoms and mandatory testing. All of our performers, both female and male, must produce current negative HIV tests and STD panels taken within 30 days of the start of production.

"This may be the opportunity for men to start wearing condoms and for women to start demanding condoms," he says. "And if that happens, I think that’ll be a good thing. I think it’ll set a good example. And it would somewhat level the playing field; everybody will be under the same rules and guidelines. Because, quite honestly, it’s difficult to compete with a non-condom movie. When we first made the decision to be a mandatory-condom company, people would put out ads saying, If you wanna see that condom shit, go watch a Vivid movie, but if you wanna see the real thing, watch our movie. It really did hurt us. If people are forced, by the talent, into being a mandatory-condom company, it’ll level the playing field. And I’m OK with that."

In and Under the Spotlight

Here's a true story more heart-poundingly disturbing than the fictional drama its subject acts in weekly. The National Enquirer, via iwon.com, reports that Kiefer Sutherland, star of Fox's 24, "was caught knocking back Scotch at a Hollywood gay bar at 9 o'clock in the morning!" The bar, Spotlight, a ragtag hustler hang at the corner of Cahuenga and Selma, is not a venue where the pretty young stars go to party. It's a rather dank hole, frequented by abusers of all kinds--and, of course, James St. James. It's only charm is that it's open when all else has been closed to you.

So there, apparently, he was. Kiefer. Who has that hit show. Appointment television. A critical success. At Spotlight. "Kiefer's been a big drinker but now he's pounding down the alcohol morning, noon and night," an insider declared to the tab. There's more. "Kiefer is well-known at dives in the scary Hollywood area where he lives," said someone else. "It's not unusual to see him downing glass after glass of J&B Scotch at one of these places any night of the week. And when they close at 2 a.m., then it's on to the after-hours clubs."

A staffer at the Spotlight who was on duty that morning told The Enquirer: "Kiefer started drinking at 9 o'clock in the morning with some buddies and didn't stop till after 1:30 p.m. At one point, he was so hammered that he fell off his barstool and landed on the floor. But he just laughed it off. He was drinking Scotch and his associates actually had to prop him up!

Rondonia Jones

This is a movie waiting to happen. It's like the old West, with cowboys and Indians and prospectors shooting it up over goldmines and land. But it's in the Amazon jungle and the Indians are the Cinta Larga and the mines are filled with diamonds. The LA Times had a tiny story recently about illegal diamond prospectors killed by Indians in a battle on the Roosevelt reserve in Rondonia State, South America's richest diamond region. Although the Union of Rondonia State Prospectors put the death toll at 79, a spokesman for Brazil's National Indian Foundation said the federal police have confirmed 23 bodies. "And on Monday," he said, "a federal police task force of 280 men is going to the area to remove all the prospectors, disarm everybody." And by disarm, he probably didn't mean for the miners to find the task force enchanting.

This is the fourth time in 10 years that federal authorities launch an operation to remove invaders from the land of the Cinta Larga, a people of Mondé linguistic origin whose population was reduced from 650 people in 1993 to less than 400 today. The area, located in the south tip of the state of Rondônia and northwest of the state of Mato Grosso, has large reserves of diamonds. The Federal Police estimates that gems amounting to 50 million dollars were smuggled from the region to Belgium last year. (brazzil.com)

A List Not So Listless

The most recent issue of Premiere presents its list of the 100 Greatest Movie Characters of All Time. Of all time, all time, time. . . . We love a list, even one as wordy as this one. If you haven't seen it already, I don't care, I'll spoil it for you right now by revealing the top 10: 1. Vito Corleone, 2. Fred C. Dobbs, 3. Scarlett O'Hara, 4. Norman Bates, 5. James Bond, 6. Annie Hall, 7. Indiana Jones, 8. Ellen Ripley, 9. Jeff Spicoli, and 10. Gollum. What's interesting about these 1