The great whooshing wall of bangs! The ten coats of mascara! The gently colored lips! The bronzer (that doesn't quite cover your Adam's apple)! I know you want to look purty for the cameras – and YOU ARE! YOU ARE! – but it's starting to look like you CARE TOO MUCH. And that's not an attractive quality for a supposedly heterosexual guy. Look: If you are gay, then go ahead, gurl, primp and gloss and pout and preen all you want. We don't care. We gays will love and accept you no matter WHAT. Forever and ever. But if you really want us to buy this whole "straight thing" that you insist upon throwing in our faces, then please commit to role and lay off the beauty queen theatrics. You're confusing me. It's not 2004 and "metrosexuals" are not still all the rage.