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Tuesday, March 31, 2009 01:40 PM

Um, where's Joaquin?

• School for scandal. For the second time in under two years, Oprah's proper boarding school for girls in South Aftica has been sullied by sexual impropriety. This time, students were caught snogging each other on campus.

• Chace Crawford would like to fill the dancing shoes left empty by doppelganger Zac Efron's exit from the Footloose remake. A perfect fit.

• Matt and Ben. Besties forever.

• Porn talks, nobody walks. The $115,000 Maserati that Lindsay Lohan crashed belonged to Butt Sluts and Origami So Horny producer Dennis DeSantis – and the porn king intends to re-lend the vehicle to accident-prone Lohan as soon as it's had $10,000-worth of repairs.

• "I just didn't think the acting was so good," says The City star Whitney Port about the first Twilight movie. And she would know.

• Pierre Cardin, 86, is ready to sell his fashion empire – for $1.3 billion. "If prospective buyers can't pony up the funds, then that's their problem, not mine," says he. "It's not like I'm strapped for cash."

• Witnesses observed Alex Rodriguez not washing his hands after peeing.

• Omarion and his bisexual stripper wife have made a sex tape with her girlfriend, soon to hit the net. Oh, and O's new single is "I Think My Girl Is Bi." No, really.

• Drew Barrymore and her ex, Justin Long, are set to costar in the movie Going the Distance, which they didn't.