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Fast Times at Hilton High

One day after saying goodbye forever to Doug Reinhardt, Paris Hilton was observed insinuating herself into the lap and mouth of soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, who didn't protest. The X17 website reports that Paris and her sister Nicky beelined themselves to Ronaldo's table at MyHouse last night and the heiress proceeded to make herself fully available. "Cristiano and Paris were all over each other swapping spit the entire night! His table needed every waitress in the building to service the large quantities of alcohol, and he spent an excess of 20 thousand dollars on champagne and drinks." Nicely oiled, they all left for Nicky's house at 3AM and the X17 paps shot video of the athlete leaving the house at 5AM.



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The 10-Percent Solution

In a smart move, Britney Spears has decided (or her heart has) to date up instead of down, and is now involved with her agent, Jason Trawick. Apparently, the man is like a newborn, with no romantic history to speak of. According to some slapdash research on our part, the never-married Trawick, 37, has had only one celebrity relationship and it lasted less than a year. Spears, 27, on the other hand, has had 10 celeb boyfriends, each lasting various numbers of years or days, and was married twice. Developing.  



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Carradine, Cont'd

While the grieving family of the late David Carradine continue to be disturbed by the publication in a Thai newspaper of a photograph that purports to be the actor hanging in a hotel closet (the Carradines' lawyer Mark Geragos has threatened legal action against any further publication), new stories of the crime scene continue to emerge. TMZ has reported that a higher resolution of the blurry photo reveals that Carradine seems to be wearing fishnet stockings on his body and a dark wig on his head. And that red object on the bed looks to be women's lingerie.



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She Stalks to Conquer

Looks like Lindsay Lohan's persistence has paid off. After tracking her estranged lover Samantha Ronson for months, following her like a hired dick, she finally got her man in London, where she'd tracked Ronson deejaying at a club. Later, they were photographed together at Heathrow airport boarding a flight to Los Angeles. In LA, they headed straight for Ronson's house. Lohan let herself in while Ronson went shopping at a Porsche dealership. So it would seem Lo and Sam are back. It should be noted that Lohan is sporting a diamond ring on her left hand. Obviously, the story is developing. (Mail; photo: WENN) 



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Chris Brown's a Dick and She's Got the Pics to Prove It

Though he's denied he's the culprit, Rihanna is positive it was Chris Brown who put those nude photos of her into circulation on the Internet, because no one else had access to them. But hey, she has some shots of him naked too (which we're assuming are full-frontal, otherwise why bother?) that she'll be leaking onto the Internet in an act of delicious revenge. According to a friend of Rihanna's, the singer "has less-than-flattering nude pics of him that she plans on leaking. Rihanna says he’ll be really embarrassed.” They might have been taken right after the two stepped out of a very long bath together. (via Bossip)



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If They Treat It He'll Beat It

Over the weekend, The Sun reported that last month doctors at Cedars-Sinai hospital in Los Angeles found areas of skin cancer on Michael Jackson's upper body and pre-cancerous cells on his face. But the Gloved One was assured the cancers are treatable and he would be able to perform his 50 sold-out shows at London’s O2 Arena, beginning in July, gigs which will earn him hundreds of millions of dollars. (The FDA says that bleaching can be a cause of skin cancer.) 

However, Jackson's spokesman, Dr Tohme Tohme told the NY Daily News that the singer is in "the best of health" and "doesn't have any diseases whatsoever." 

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Luzing His Religion

According to Luiz Heitor Pinto da Luz, the father of Madonna's boyfriend Jesus, his son and Madge will be getting married soon in a Kabbalah ceremony in New York. Papa, who doesn't seem to mind that his Christian son will be converting to Judaism (and getting his foreskin lopped off?), told Brazil's Who magazine that he isn't sure the marriage ritual will be legally binding, but he heartily approves of his son's choice for a wife. "I've spoken by phone with Madonna – in French, because my English is not fluent – and she appears to me to be a normal and polite person," he said. "She is feminine. I don't feel she is a harsh person." So maybe she can act after all.  (via NYDN; photo: Wire Image) 

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Rihanna Is Seeing God

Now that battered girlfriend Rihanna has returned to her native Barbados, she's taken up with old boyfriend Negus Sealy, the 24-year-old Rasta the locals call the Love God. Rihanna dated him back before there was a Chris Brown in her life, so he's the perfect guy to lick her wounds now. "Negus was a shoulder to cry on," said a friend. "He's a really smart guy – clever, good-looking, very cool. All the girls adore him and call him the Love God!" The friend adds that the two discovered there was still a sexual attraction between them. A sexual attraction between Rihanna and a guy known as a love god? Who could have figured? As for Brown, Rihanna is saying he's "history." (News of the World; photo: Splash News)



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Really, NASA?

A panaoramic photo taken of Mars by NASA's Spirit camera turned up this image of a boulder that life-on-Mars enthusiasts are saying is the skull of a life form. "There appears to be a narrow pointed small mouth, so this creature most likely is a carnivore," says one speculator. A carnivorous alien with a head the size of a boulder. Should we be scared? (Telegraph; photo: NASA)



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Welsh She's Apparently Not Kidding

For some reason known only to her, beautiful Welsh actress Catherine Zeta-Jones (where's she been?) has got it in her head to play Britain's Got Talent's plain-jane Scottish phenom Susan Boyle in a biopic. (Don't laugh – James Cameron is said to be keen on helming such a feature.) Zeta-Jones is currently delving into requiring the rights to the singer's life. Er, make that life story.  A BGT source said Z-J's interest in Boyle is not unique. "All these people are coming out and want to be associated with her," said the source. "She is the biggest thing in the world. It is mental." Of course, the actress bears a striking unresemblance to the so-called "Hairy Angel," so the Daily Mail did some Shopping and came up with this hair-and-makeup test.



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Keira Knightley Is Fat

Inside, that is. We can't stop looking at this photo (courtesy dlisted). There's nothing there, just a giant head on a stick or, as comic Judy Tenuta once described Nancy Reagan, "a stop sign with a perm." Still, Knightley claims she loves to eat. "I'm a big foodie," she has said. "In my family life, all good things revolve around the dinner table. My mum’s cooking is great. We have big dinners, and big everything. There’s nothing like a really good chip, a really crunchy, good chip. And I love pasta. I make Bolognese with tons and tons of Parmesan cheese." And with that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defense rests its case. (via Cele|bitchy)



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The Lana Turner

This rarely seen Wachowski brother was spotted recently at LAX in a cunning ensemble of separates. One half of the movie-directing brothers responsible for the Matrix franchise, Larry has long been rumored to be transitioning into a woman – he prefers to be called Lana – but the duo's most recent movie, Speed Racer, credited the film to Larry and Andy Wachowski. So who knows what the checkers see or don't see when he goes through airport security. (Photo: National Photo Group via Us) 



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Silver and Gold

The grandmother of Miss USA runner-up Carrie Prejean has confirmed that her granddaughter is dating Olympic gold-medalist Michael Phelps. "Carrie and Michael have been out to baseball games and lunch," says Jeanette Coppolla. "He always calls her when he is in town and they go out." (Aceshowbiz)



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The New Man in Susan's Life

Scottish nightingale Susan Beale Boyle is seen leaving her house for church yesterday with her new burly-man bodyguard minding the house and keeping a watchful eye out for aggressive autograph seekers. Could it be that Boyle's no longer a virgin? (Photo via The Sun)



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Speidi Tried to Hidy

The Hills' protagonists Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag were seen at the Beverly Hills Courthouse on Wednesday and denied they were getting a marriage license. But the steadfast sleuths at TMZ discovered that the couple did in fact sign up to be wed. The marriage is said to happen tomorrow. Those two really are devoted to keeping their reality series real. 



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Mel's Russian Nesting Doll

Oxsana Pochepa, the 24-year-old Russian pop singer who may be the cause of what will become the most expensive divorce settlement in Hollywood history, has come forward to take credit for being the object of Mel Gibson's affection and to say she is in love with the 52-year-old recovering anti-semite. "This is serious," she said, "and I hope that our union will be real and strong and long-lasting." Gibson's wife of 28 years, Robyn, has filed for divorce and could end up getting half of Gibson's reported $1 billion fortune. (The Sun)



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